I I don’t get it you thought this was going to be the flea circus from Coraline didn’t you I’m cursed with optimism Oh you’s got a good eye that there’s a little Miss Wedgewood set this is my handle this is my spout well all the parts seem to be in the
Right places I’ll take it holy crap a vintage Mr Potato Head from the good old days when potatoes were men and had penises Peter they never had penises well you could put a nose down there and it kind of worked the nostrils were balls and and so forth that’s the
Very potato I used in medical school to learn Anatomy I could let it go for 600 what are we thinking Lois yes no we don’t have that kind of money fine I’ll buy it with my magic beans those are Skittles there’s no room in this world for dreamers Anymore everything okay Dad just adult Stu buddy mom wouldn’t let me buy a toy I wanted do you own a home but can’t afford the things you need to make your life more comfortable yes wait is that hi I’m Tom suic ask your nurse to turn down your breathing machine for a minute
So I can tell you how reverse mortgage from hey all right reverse mortgages or harm can help you this seems like a trick I know this seems like a trick but it’s not a trick oh that’s nice to hear but is this his first rodeo look this
Isn’t my first rodeo and I wouldn’t be here if I thought reverse mortgages would hurt anyone well I certainly believe Magnum PI but it’s easy to say this stuff fully standing up I wonder if he can half lean on a fence post and say it do you really want your adult kids
Fighting over your money after you’re gone isn’t it better to spend it all now so they don’t have that option he’s making good points I’ll just run this by Lois Men Please Don’t Run things by your wives just go to www I’m kidding here’s a phone number as
Big as we can put it I’m getting my Mr Potato Head but that is a lot of numbers to dial if that’s too many numbers to dial just say Siri I’m old Siri I’m old dialing reverse Mor Company Stewie what is all this stuff it turns out Rupert only likes Peppa Pig branded tea sets which honestly I get so I sold my tea set at twice what I paid then I bought more stuff to sell really was it worth that much oh sweetie people
Have no clue what antiques are worth so you just act like you know I actually got a booth at the flea market next weekend I have to say I’m weirdly impressed yes who would have thought a strange little guy like like me could get super into tiny details of old
Furniture well if you need any help I’m in all right is that yes most antiques are just racist old packaging from Iconic companies well mostly syrup companies wow that’s very racist yep whole blurry shelf racist I’m Mr Kiki the swim teacher who doesn’t have a pool and drives very far
To other people’s pools for lessons after this lesson I sit at Panera Bread until traffic dies down Panera Bread where’re swim teachers from other towns wait out traffic oh my God is that the expense of Mr A Potato Head from the flea market I told you we couldn’t
Afford that don’t worry I got a ton of money I even bought a jet ski in Lake havu in case I ever get out there every year over 9,000 people buy jet skis and then leave leave them at Lake havu last year over 700 jet skis
Were rescued and sent to some of the trashier Wisconsin lakes where tiny teeth families gave them new lives for hundreds of others help came too late where did you get all this money it was easy I took out a reverse mortgage which is that thing where your house gives you
Free money Peter how could you be so stupid reverse mortgages are a total scam now you need to call the bank right away and take that Mr Potato Head back I can’t I wrote best spuds for life all over the box I almost love the box as
Much as the guy now Peter we could lose our house relax Lois Tom celic made a whole video about that for the wives wearing his signature short shorts hello wives I’m Z Now the bank is saying we could lose the house I can’t believe I got duped by
Tom selich Tom celic well there’s a name name I haven’t heard in years me a wild west you know Tom celic oh I used to many moons ago how many many wow if you fellas would allow me to JW you a minute I’ll spin you a yarn back when we grew
Younger men’s mustaches me and Tom carved ourselves out of niche as a hippie country duo called cold hard stash see a penny pick it up all the day you’ll have to look for it rightful owner that’s an honorable day looking for it rightful owner yeah we were the talk of one
Corner of town but as is often the case in these Tales drugs entered the picture and when that trouble arrived well let’s just say old Tom offered it a place to sit down you’re playing with fire kimosabi the next day he wrote a song called Walk This Way open parenthesis even if the
Crosswalk says stop close parenthesis and that’s when I knew the one day demon had got him in the end one day was merely a suggestion nearest I can reckon he was up to 9 or 10 a week anyhow heing he’s pedaling reverse mortgages now sounds about right do you know what a
Reverse mortgage is nearest I can figure it’s a loan that enables the borrower to access the unencumbered value of their property that sounds kind of slick well the rub is if you can’t pay it back they can snatch your Abode that strikes me as predatory why would Tom do this he
Should know better you see having a mustache is a sacred oath I have a mustache I’m proud of you he can’t do this to people I am going to track him down and get the money back Mr Mayor you’re coming with me oh I’m afraid
Those days are behind me but I wish you the best of luck that’s fine I’ll go It Alone just like Megan Markel and Prince Harry sir your Millions from Netflix for no one knows what put it with the rest of them babe time to do our daily $250,000 sponsored Instagram post for
Del Taco I shouldn’t have left the madeup nonsense well I’m off to New York City to find Tom celic and get our money back how do you even know he’s in New York cuz he’s on cbs’s loudest show Blue Bloods and they film there now Peter you’re not going anywhere even for you
This is an absurd plan ain’t nothing absurd about this ma’am sold Mr may you came that’s right the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a mustache is a good guy with a mustache so hop on up we’re taking a trip I can’t believe we’re going to New
York City I’ve always wanted to see the Twin Towers When look it’s Billy Joel oh no it’s just a drywall guy dressed up for CH so is that whole retail establishment just M&M’s yes and bad jackets like so bad that Sinbad wouldn’t even wear them not sure I quite understand New York City oh well this is just TV New York you can
Tell cuz all the cab drivers are impossibly white I call this place the big city so you know I’ve been here a while Mr Mayor allow me to show you my new York your New York is an ESPN Zone I I don’t know I I like all the screens Peter look at
This black hair dye we follow this Trail we find celic or possibly Papa John or Rudy Giuliani but that’s a risk we’re going to have to take Brian time to teach you my techniques watch and learn you have a good eye I just sold a piece by the same
Artist for 40 lie that’s a little out of my budget well I’d like 30 but I’d take 25 lowest I can let it go for is 20 would you take 11 well the frame alone is worth 30 highest I can do is 12 okay but you got to pay me before my wife
Gets back from the bathroom she’s going to kill me over this price that’s the dance give it a try hi there uh how much for this vase five what the hell what’s that that’s not the dance man you got to put your hands up higher move around a bit my
Dance is the Tango you got to find yours go ahead Stewie I’m not doing this find your dance a bolero man little dirty but nobody’s going to bleed you feel that that’s the bluff I thought it was the dance right but at some point the dance becomes the bluff are you just making
All this up as you go that’s the dance Bri all right Brian Follow My Lead van blunder time oh how so much for this you’re going to hate me so everything you see here is for sale except that I don’t even know how it got out here it’s
Supposed to be in the van well I really like it Brian what did you do oh boy that was a blunder on my part that’s that’s a that’s a pretty big blunder but look how much she loves it do you love it I do I can give you
$10 well I do want it to go to someone who loves it I’ll tell you what give me 11 and it’s a deal what a blood this is awkward but y’all’s horing in on my turf see grandma’s little loft is the king of knickknacks now you selling them
Ha that’s a laugh we’ never sell knickknacks we’re chki guys if you calling that vintage shadone dial face hanging Merchant scale a chachki y’all sicker than I thought says the guy who has his wets mixed in with his whozits that’s po he’s out of your league that’s what’s Happening Here you hearing
Footsteps Gramps how’s about a little content whoever sells the most by end of day tomorrow is the flea market champ the loser gets out of the game for good fine you’re on and by the way there was a dead Cricket in the teapot you sold me oh no I
Know the hair dye Trail Ends right here wait only one guy would accept delivery of so many Hawaiian shirts what is it boy man I love being paid for reverse mortgages in Hawaiian shirts so it looks like there’s a few more disgruntled customers down there well that’s a stash from the past
This can’t be good get in hey NYPD yeah it’s chief whatever my character’s name is from Blue Bloods uh there’s a couple of trespassers outside my house you guys are under arrest is this cuz I rubbed on a lady in a Subway no
Cuz I rubbed on a lady in a bus no do you do a lot of rubbing on people hey 8 million people we all got to fit Somewhere I’m sorry for dragging you into this Mr Mayor Lois was right this was a stupid plan don’t beat yourself up hos when your cause is just any action you take is Honorable besides Fate has a funny way of taking care of folks I’d be much obliged if you’d go
Ahead and open up for me how did you do that well this ain’t the first leg to which I’ve p woo oh Brian look it’s this antiques last day selling antiques you alls can eat my dust oh we got quite a showdown here today at flea market regionals Jim
Grandma’s little Loft has the experience but don’t count out the Brian the and the Wardrobe and the question we’ve been hearing the most today why does a flea market have announcers well sometimes major Network announcers have one won too many at a golf tournament
And hit a guy in their car and then have to work their way back hi do you have any vintage Southwestern lifestyle stuff bro it’s 7:30 a.m. that stuff is long gone by 5:15 I about to open a storage container fresh from Tempe come on bye
What how was that possible and in crunch time the game just slows down for a veteran Booth like Grandma’s little LT a large Native American looking teen has grumpily popped down on a camp chair with an iPad at Bruce’s booth this guy’s on another level there’s no way we can catch
Him this could be the nail in the coffin as other boobs have started shaking their misprescribing salute they call that the battle Rattle and it’s the ultimate flea market show of respect this one’s all but over welcome back to flea market regionals brought to you by warm Coke
Warm Coke sometimes they’re just warm grandma’s little loft is putting the finishing touches on on a dominant win hey we got lots of great one-of a-kind stuff here please and of course the old guy who last minute decides he wants to keep his stuff has never really been a
Factor for him it’s more about telling people where he got the stuff well we gave it a good shot but we’re not going to catch Bruce I guess we should go tell him he one hold the phone looks like we got a guy bringing his home trash to the flea market
Garbage can and this is where the lone garbage can being right by Grandma’s little Loft could come into play sure looks like a bag of mostly full diapers and half eaten burritos and that’s just a bee’s dream bag hey we just wanted to say you W and once that money belt is zipped it’s official the Brian the in the wardrobe win flea market regionals what a comeback boy you said it I told you ESPN I’d quit after a magic the Gathering tournament but this time I’m serious well use one fair and square y’all’s the best flea market
Weirdos I sure am all miss this place sorry about the bees part of the game hey before I go would y’all be willing to sell your whole inventory for $9 would you do 11 no you got yourself a deal I never want to come back here
Everyone you’re all within 500 ft of a school over 200 arrests were made that day it’s still known in flea market lore as Extinction Sunday I’m Chris Griffin and my brother and my dog left me in a very hot car hi Shannon the line producer said I could have another play lasagna that’s
Not Shannon’s call you were right becoming extras on his show was the only way to get close to Tom once the cameras start rolling we’ll make our move Blue Bloods episode of millions season blahy blah hollyw go these guys are Pros action Chief whatever your character’s name is from
Blue Bloods do you recognize this man I do he owns the bodega on 56 Blue Bloods cut who is this guy my name is Peter Griffin and I’m here cuz you screwed me over with your trick reverse mortgage it’s not a trick overruled what are you you’re an actor time to acknowledge the
Corn Tom Wild West I had you arrested when you got hooked on molti and started singing mean-spirited songs I figured you were young it was a phase but now you went and got mixed up with reverse mortgages and that partner violates the mustair code yeah and besides you’re
Magnum PI you’re like my TV boss regular guys like me trust you I didn’t make you do anything only one thing left to try see a penny pick it up all the day you’ll have to look for its rightful owner that’s an honorable day looking for its rightful
Owner I I’m not going to sing your honor I’ll allow it a penny saved is a penny earn but if it ain’t yours I’ve learned to find it rightful owner this court finds that the world could use more songs like that Peter I think you and I might just have to agree to
Disagree when it comes to the financial propriety of reverse mortgages that said I certainly never meant to cause you any distress and wild back in the day I turn my back on you and I turn my back on my mustache think you can forgive me H nothing a firm two-handed handshake with
Eye contact can’t solve and Peter I don’t want there to be any hard feelings so I’m going to write you a check for a little bit of the lot of money I’ve made selling legitimate reverse mortgages to people who to the best of my knowledge understand fully
What they’re entering into how are you 78 this ought to take care of it and hey just to make sure we’re good how’d you like a line on the show Blue Bloods it might not be just saying the show I understand Tom would it be possible for
Me to get another plate of lasagna that’s not my call Peter that’s Shannon’s call it’s not Shannon’s Call follow that car first time in a big city Blue Bloods that last line was improvised I love look out Ryan Styles huh oh you I’m just glad we don’t have to worry about losing our house anymore me too I guess I learned Something happy Halloween kids happy Halloween look it’s Matt Foley from Saturday Night Live I don’t know who that is I just came from a meeting at work oh good Peter you’re home you can help me pass out candy sorry Lois I have to go do a dangerous speedball and
Become the least surprising death in Hollywood history happy Halloween Meg wow Mayor West that’s some costume thank you kindly it a me Borat you know from that picture Borat you ever seen it yeah that movie came out like 15 years ago well I’d never heard of it but it was just about the
Funniest thing I’d ever seen anyway have a good evening my wife this is my costume come on put in some effort guys just cuz you showed up doesn’t mean you get an apple apple we’re here for candy kill yourself there’s a lot of sugar in an apple if
You saw the numbers you’d be shocked trick or treat wow that’s the first Frozen I’ve seen in 35 seconds oh my God I love your pilot costume thank you I’m actually John travolto walking into my backyard Airport in Florida to fly a passenger jet all by myself that’s right
I’m just a regular guy your daughter’s adorable oh she’s not my daughter she’s my niece my sister and her husband ran into someone having an adult Halloween party and didn’t have an excuse ready oh I’m so sorry yeah it was really tough for them but I said earlier I’m not
Going to cry so not going to cry and hi my name’s Carrie hi Carrie my name is Glenn it’s really nice talking to you Glenn you too Carrie hey candy hey Brian check it out this might be my biggest candy score ever probably thanks to my killer
Costume what are you dressed as I’m the oh my God reaction gift and people get that yeah everyone’s dressed as gifts ain’t that right [Applause] pop wow this place is great Glenn yeah they can really microwave eggs here you know I’m so glad you trick-or-treated at my house I finally found someone I could just say names from succession with I mean oh my God Kendall Kendall and shiv love shiv and what about Roman yes and
Logan Oh Logan oh look at that dog yeah who brings a dog to a coffee shop I love dogs without letting me pet it come here you dog a isn’t he so sweet ah good boy yay my hand smells like you now oh I’m so happy you’re a dog person I don’t think
I could be with someone who doesn’t love dogs as much as I do yeah it’s great we like the same things as soon as you say what you like so what kind of dog do you have uh uh what kind of dog um you know I I’ve never noticed I I’m I’m more
Attracted to his Spirit they’re so special and you know what’s right around the corner the strip club where they spit in your face no the dog park for our next date we should bring our dogs there next date absolutely oh and cousin Greg cousin Greg cousin Greg pH that tummy time was killer totally blasted my core but I think that earns me a little treat what the deuce this bag was full last night and now half of it’s gone oh my god I’ve been [Applause] robbed rert check the jewelry box see if anything’s missing an engagement ring oh
Haha very funny but not the time to have this conversation we’ve been burgled there looks like they only stole some of my Halloween candy but they’re not going to get away with this like the fat man when he plays clue okay the murderer was don’t care with a this game
Sucks in the I regret having children clue you got someone pregnant 9 years ago so now you have to play this thanks for coming with me Peter I need a dog for my date but I don’t know the first thing about him no problem Quagmire but just know I’m going to
Spend most of the time here finding the courage to hold an iguana here he is I’m not sure I’m ready uh excuse me how much is that one oh he’s a purebred beon F so he’s $1,500 for a dog um and and what’s your return policy is it like full money back within
10 days sir if you’re not interested I have to comb feces out of the guinea pig’s hair with a wet paper towel go ahead you can touch him it’s dry sorry we couldn’t get you a dog come on in we’ll have however many beers it takes to forget how depressing the
Shelter was I’ll go get those aforementioned beers thanks word a day calendar oh hey quagar I mean there he is Brian the dog what’s going on here why are you using my full name all right let’s cut to the chase I like chases okay look I’m seeing this woman and there’s something
Different about her I mean it’s not just that the sex is great which it is but I appreciate her as a person which sounds kind of weird coming out of my mouth anyway I told her I have a dog so would you pretend to be my dog well well well well well
Well well well well Brian come on I’m serious will you help me out Glenn Quagmire there are not enough tennis balls in the world for me to six I’ll do it thanks for doing this Brian and remember just act like a normal well- behaved non-talking dog non-talking yeah
Just bark and stuff bark jeez it’s been a while let me give it a try bra Brack what the hell is that I’m finding it damn it Brian I knew you were going to screw this up for me I thought you wanted to help help I’m not doing this
Because I want to help I’m only doing this so I can have a front row seat when you crash and burn okay first of all it’s incredibly insensitive to say crash and burn to a pilot and second how dare you how dare you Brian the dog you know
I’m right you’re going to get tired of the sex and then you’ll move on to the next one oh cuz you know everything right well you’re wrong Brian okay shut up here she comes hi Glen this is Dexter a and who’s this little guy uh uh this
Is Harvey named after Weinstein uh cuz you can see his balls when he answers the door I may be dating myself but in the ’90s the funniest thing you could do was show people your balls can can you start talking now please sorry I couldn’t hear you cuz my dog was licking
My ear oh thank God this is my dog Bob Weinstein he’s man’s best friend because he’s very good at keeping quiet do you mind if I take 5 minutes in the parking lot this is Spot all right Rupert when the thief comes back for the rest of my candy he’ll have to deal with my latest invention hey Stewie what are you help somebody help me I won’t survive on the inside hey I’ve caught you Chris Stewie get off I haven’t been stealing your
Candy dad has the fat man he did the same thing to me when I was younger the only way to keep him away from it is to hide it and that’s why I’m here I’m going to help you really you do that for me of course do we we’re family we look
Out for each other like the people on succession well don’t leave me hanging like that throw out a name Tom oh Tom can you believe leave Tom the Carry’s going to be here soon can you give me a hand getting this cat stuff out of here where is your cat
Anyway I don’t know no cat owner knows where their cat is okay but I I still don’t know why you’re going through all this trouble I mean you’re just going to bail and leave her in the dust hey how’s your son Brian whoa what happened to
Defcon 4 3 and two okay she’s here get off the couch who is it it’s the purge we’re here to beat you up coming up one pizza with alternative crust oh yummy yummy alternative crust pizza is really good Brian you can’t taste the difference what aren’t you lying to
Yourself about okay you want to know the truth Brian Brian the dog I love her you hear me love this is priceless haven’t had this much fun since I went to that graveyard yeah how do you like how this sounds huh try cleaning up this mess while you’re burning in Hell Peter you
Ready to go almost oh what do you mean you don’t like that just try it maybe you Will thanks again for having us over Lois everything was so delicious oh my pleasure Carrie yeah I’ve got to say Glenn I’ve never seen you this happy before well then you’ve never seen me at my best before and it’s all thanks to Carrie oh not at the dinner table table
I’m sorry Peter I just can’t help myself I’m crazy about this woman Huh will you marry me what’s this now oh my God Glenn yes yes of course I’ll marry you maslov maslov where did that come from from Mar Mrs mlto you you should know that [Applause] Lois engaged oh come on Quagmire you’re killing me man babe babe please babe please stop crying look every couple needs to take things at their own speed it doesn’t mean I love you any less okay look how about we look at Rings this weekend I I don’t know ziles probably
Well that’s what we can afford since only one of us has a job I’m I’m sorry I’m sorry I uh uh I’m sorry I didn’t mean that why don’t you join me for dinner he said ruining his Life there he is the bridegroom to be that’s right the very happy bridegroom to be singing to himself oh come on give it up you’re out of moves Checkmate hi honey we’re home will you help me move in is dog food like we’re preparing for a flood Dexter eats all this not just
Dexter but Dexter and all is rescue brothers and sisters oh my God how many are there H enough to do a slow pan with music from Airplane is is that one just a back half oh back SE yeah she’s a fighter maybe she should stop fighting okay I’m going to go bring in all their meds and then I’ll set the 19 different feeding alarms on your phone shut up I didn’t say a word I’m
Just I’m just thrilled you’re getting all the happiness you deserve I am happy Parade Magazine says owning a dog is the secret to having a happy life you read Parade Magazine if you know a better magazine for ordering plates with people’s faces on them I would like to
Hear about it hey babe was the Princess Diana plate important Brian can you hand me that Parade Magazine that envelope that stamp and that checkbook thank you who are we waiting for Chris I called in some professionals they’re going to take us somewhere dad will never find your candy and where’s that I
Can’t say there are ears everywhere good morning Mr Feldman morning Chris couldn’t help but over here you’re off on a little trip never mind about that Mr Feldman see I could hear that get in you know I should really be in a backwards facing car seat they’re now saying kids through
Eight should at least be in a booster seat you have any kids don’t make small talk with these guys no no he’s all right it’s nice to have someone ask for a change yes I have four children all dead ah well here we are quick hide your candy in the
Tree is this our backyard yes but we couldn’t take a chance of being Followed son of a I’m pinching and Lifting hey if you’re making coffee I’ll have uh oh kind of a mess in here it’s fine everything is fine I’m happy and in love damn it Brian did you leave the doggy gate open no no no stop it pppe you’re allergic to Frankie’s food Malcolm stop pping your brother backi outside babe
Can you give me a hand moving my furniture all around the room until I find a place I like for it kind of in the middle of something babe ah the 7h Hour Itch shut up Brian why don’t you go for a walk no no no no no no walk no
Walk no no we’re not going for a walk you stop saying walk I said walk again and there again honey I want to make a stir fry tonight have we unpacked the walk no no W okay W she said walk she said walk she said Walk my candy it’s all gone even my West Hollywood Candy my twink bar my very Milky Way my rees’s penis who’s done this to me who’s taken candy from a Baby well we did it cheers we sure did Chris cool iguana is dry I named him arid thank you word a day calendar travel Edition just met some of car’s friends they are very excited for her they should be well they should be and they are anyway expectations are
High thank you everyone for coming to our engagement party and and an extra thanks to my Airline buddies for organizing it uh folks our party time tonight is 2 hours and 48 minutes we know you have lots of choices for terrible weekend activities and we hope to see you soon on an inconvenient
Weekend for their destination wedding which I hear is on a Thursday in Lisbon Portugal far y y it’s been wonderful meeting all of car’s family and friends I only wish you were all wearing name tags isn’t he adorable my expectations are high you know I first met Carrie and
Her niece a couple of weeks ago on Halloween thank God they decided to take that walk and now we’re headed down the aisle a very different kind of walk and Carrie if I may borrow a line from our favorite song I Would Walk 500 Miles stamped
Isn’t he adorable oh he loves those dogs I’m here a lot of good things about that guy that’s it Glen are you okay no I’m not okay I thought I could do this but I can’t I’ve been lying to you and I’ve been lying to myself there’s something
You need to know I hate dogs ah this party has begun its initial descent that’s not even my dog that’s Brian my neighbor’s dog he can talk Brian say something bra bite me Glenn I can’t believe this so you don’t like dogs that’s fine but you didn’t have to
Lie and put me through all of this goodbye Glenn uh folks please use caution as you exit the party as some of your feelings may have shifted well well well save it Brian I’ll conceed that you were right but you know what so was I dogs are the worst and I’m coming for you Brian the
Dog Maybe not today maybe not tomorrow but one day maybe tomorrow and when that day comes you’re going to say oh Glenn got me good now if he’ll excuse me I need to take a walk braack oh no stay you’re coming back though right hey Brian I was just over talking to
Quagmire and he thought you might want to take a look at my new screenplay oh I I don’t really uh it’s called oceans 1 between you and me I can’t believe nobody’s done it before to say nothing of oceans 2 through 7 yeah I could uh
Take a look sh it’s a little long right now it’s about 430 pages I have my All Is Lost moment on page 389 thereabouts Quire now if you need don’t know most Hollywood screenplays wrap up in around 110 pages and if and it’s a comedy well you wanted in the ’90s
Anyway they said I could have these last few seconds to mention something near and dear to me so men don’t be afraid to have the doctor put a camera up your old saddle Masher they knock you out now and it’s a good way to make sure there’s no
Bad beans in your mess wagon we hope you’ve enjoyed the family Guy we now return to 11 angry men and one developmentally disabled man okay the vote is 11 for guilty and one for Kitty all right let’s keep talking it out has the jury reached its verdict we have your honor we find the defendant Kitty
Boy am I beat Peter what’s with a tie oh I bought a tie so I can ucin it when I’m beat oh my god dad pain of your breath it’s horrible is whoopy Goldberg working out down there Peter I think what everyone’s saying is that you’ve got dad breath
What the hell’s dad breath you know Dad breath guys get older they stop paying attention to hygiene their bodies are changing it’s just a fact that at a certain age Men start to R from the inside out I don’t smell it huh maybe that explains what happened with that new guy
At work today all right so this is p Patriots National Distribution as you can see we are predominantly an East Coast beer hey there’s going to be a quiz on all this later I’m just kidding someone said that to me once now I say It hey Lois what do you say we do what Anderson coopa tried once before he decided he hated it ah now Peter hi there ow let’s do some role playing you’re you and I’m Peter only with much worse knees ow my knees actually Peter I
Think I finally want to make love to a 1950s Spaceman really you mean it all right let’s go Good dad it smells like Rotting Flesh in here here take the window lock off can’t do that Meg I don’t trust myself not to jump out the window this is Music oh my God Maggie you okay do you need mouth to nose Resuscitation politics coach is a bum bloody hell Beetle Bailey that’s it all right fat man two can play at that game friendly fire all right that’s it Peter we’ve got do something about that awful breath I’m making an appointment and you are going to the dentist jeez
You are not going to let this go are you you’re as stubborn as a 4-Hour erection well she’s long gone so uh you can go too oh no you got me for another three and a half hours pal go ahead seek medical attention I’m not going anywhere you can’t stay I’m chaperoning my
Daughter’s Girl Scout dinner in 45 minutes well tuck me into your waistband and try not to pee up your Shirt oh boy all right I think I found the culprit this shrimp was lodged under one of your gums wow that must have been in there a while it’s been weeks since I ordered from hurry up shrimp where the hell is this guy I ordered that shrimp 2
Hours ago uh-oh looks like you should have ordered from hurry up shrimp hurry up shrimp well that just sounds fast on average Americans spent upwards of 50,000 hours waiting for shrimp over the course of their lives when I heard that I thought to myself why on Earth don’t
These guys just hurry up so that’s just what we did come on come on no way this is the shrimp wow it is hurry up shrimp hurry up shrimp hurry up hurry up hurry up shrimp not responsible for undercook shrimp well I’m very proud of you Peter
And since you are so well behaved at a dentist you can order anything you want oh Dad when do I get to go to the dentist when you’re older Chris good evening countrymen and women welcome to the Founding Father hey little guy you know that’s a real treasure map you’ve got there okay
Well I guess treasure hunting isn’t for everyone treasure you say ah yes you see Legend has it that Cog founder miles Chatterbox musket hid his fortune in fear of it being taken by British soldiers during the Revolutionary War he died before he could retrieve it and left behind only this map many believe
His treasure is still buried right here in Rhode Island okay I’m going to go do diarrhea and then I’ll be right back to take your order Lois I know where this is Peter please that’s just a place Matt to distract your children while you’re eating there’s no treasure well what if
There is ah see surprised you with that one you see you see that rock next to the X I know that rock Lois it’s right near route two I’m finding that treasure Peter the map is a joke you’re being played for a fool like George McFly hey
Lorraine what ever happened to that guy Marty from high school don’t know never saw him after the prom really sure you didn’t run into a mo say about 16 years ago George what are you talking about I’m talking about the fact that our son who you insisted we name after that guy
Marty looks exactly like him you think I’m an idiot that I wouldn’t notice that our son is a dead ringer for the guy who f fix us up Mom Dad I accidentally Set Fire to the living room rug I am not going easy on Him hey guys who wants to dig for buried treasure with me what what are you talking about well this child’s place mat is telling me to dig for Buried Treasure by the side of the highway who’s in oh forget it Peter that’s crazy talk yeah we’re not going along with
Another one of your stupid ideas I don’t have stupid ideas haven’t you seen my documentary film each year the environment covers more than 40% of the Earth every animal on earth lays eggs this is a birch tree today it will begin its 10,000 M Journey the Earth neither hates nor
Loves but sits waiting patiently for people to do famous Stuff Peter it’s time to come home you’ve been out here digging all day I told you this whole thing was ridiculous what the hell was I thinking anyway I must be some kind of idiot what was That holy crap Lois it’s the treasure oh my God Peter you are right oh no it’s the one kid who also followed the treasure map I don’t believe it there really was something buried out there well it’s not the treasure but it looks like it’s a clue to where the treasure is face the circle in the Square you’ll see me I’ll show you where interesting interesting interesting okay well if there is a
Treasure out there we don’t want anybody else to know about it none of this leaves this room okay obviously we’re not idiots Brian hey look Dad’s on TV hello I’m Tom Tucker here with local Fortune Seeker Peter Griffin who appears to have found a clue to a hidden
Treasure that’s right Tom and I sincerely hope that the caption beneath me doesn’t say local fatty let’s do something about that caption all right well you can check out the clue at our website the real Cog 5 news 6ro is.net we were a little late getting a website quick Neil sign into the
Neighbor’s Wi-Fi so we can get that that clue nurse write down that clue and then go out in the waiting room and maybe start lowering expectations treasure yeah baby bring me a grape wine Peter what the hell now everyone has the clue why would you do that because I’m tired
Of people saying I don’t know nothing everyone doubted me so I wanted to rub it in their faces that I was right all right where is it give me that is this all there was yeah is there anything else we should know before we start looking whoa whoa whoa this is our thing
We’re not sharing this with anyone Peter come on are you serious if Joe or I found this we’d want you right alongside us oh yeah we’re like peas in a pod wait wait don’t go in there he’s doing his podcast oh that’s cute now that I like
What do you think about this you old bag oh no look you guys doubted me mocked me constantly handled my ego despite my clear instructions and now you want a piece of my treasure I don’t think so well fine we don’t need you anyway Peter I don’t like this it seems
Like this treasure is already turning people against each other hang on you guys I think I might have figured something out the circle in the Square that could be the clock in the Town Square wow that you’re right Brian that could be it well let’s get down there before anyone else Does son of a everyone’s already here let’s see face the circle in the Square Face the circle face okay the gesturing needs to stop no one else is doing that look when you face this way you’re looking at the Statue of Miles musket crap you guys there’s already
Other people here they must have figured it out too you’re right okay gather around kids family suicide look there’s a plaque this Square shall forever honor the memory of my son Timmy musket always a chip off the old block may he rest in piece miles Chatterbox musket wait when
I played Jane musket in the school played the last three weekends thanks for coming I couldn’t I had a thing I a lot of dog stuff that day the weekends I like to spend with my kids I learned that Timmy musket is buried in a cemetery on Black Island I remember it
Because my big speech was Timmy Meg please that must be what chip off the old block means that’s it Meg take the car home your mother and I are taking a ferry to Block Island Chris we need to find that treasure for ourselves what do you mean even if Dad finds the treasure
He’s not going to share he’ll just blow through it all maybe you’re right I mean last time we came into some money he just wasted it on all those diamond pinky rings for everybody what yeah uh uh yeah we should probably go what the hell where are they going oh
Forget them they’re dead weight if this treasure is going to be found it’s up to you and me Brian what do you mean come on you think the fat man’s going to figure out those Clues he’s an idiot yeah I guess you’re right yes I mean
He’s the guy who put all those little bald men in incubators because he thought thought they were babies look at you you came early but you’re going to make it I’m a senior vice president at an investment firm oh someone’s a fussy Brites saing Takes Me Away One half a Mounds bar what who eats a Mounds bar I do like my whole life I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single person eat a Mounds bar well you’re about to see one now so you walk into a store you see the hundreds of options
For candy and you choose a Mounds bar yep so what is it you like the coconut the chocolate yeah both those things how long you been been eating them but I’ve probably been having a mountains bar two or three times a day for the last 25
Years jeez no wonder you can’t walk you have Total Renal shutdown your kidneys are drowning in a stew of chocolate and coconut give me that what are you doing why are your nibbles poking into me sorry that happens when I’m cold but why are there three of them there aren’t
Two of them are moles those numbers still don’t add up why the hell are we taking a hot air balloon I don’t think we’re anywhere near Block Island oh I know we passed that miles ago what well then what about the treasure two friends sailing in the
Sky in a wicker basket with a strange man holding a cheese plate this is the treasure bride you want a vik in isn’t it dangerous to do drugs 10,000 ft in the air yeah exactly what the hell never going to die your friend is like the coolest guy I’ve ever had up
Here a damn it Lois they’re already here this is all your fault what how is this my fault because you just had to stop for ice cream then you get in there and you order like you never heard of food before Oh coffee fudge swirl with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups oh I wonder
What’s in that you just listed off all the ingredients everything you just said is what’s in that well I ha to say it but I guess we’re supposed to dig this kid up any volunteers I dig kids ol hold it right there if anyone’s digging into this
Little kid’s grave it’s me you’re too late we got to here first no it’s my treasure hunt I found the first clue you guys are just horning in you guys calm down see this is what I was talking about you can’t desecrate a child’s grave don’t worry Lois we’re going to do
It with reverence hey how about a little digging song little Peter Griffin digging up a caset shovel full of dirt Andy on head I didn’t care for the end of that song oh my God the treasure is in the casket come on me let’s get it my
Treasure oh my God you hit your own son that’s it Peter I am not going to stand here and be a part of this madness you’re on your own because I quit Chris Meg we’re going home well good you were just slowing me down anyway you Asian
Lady you’re the new Lois I will have one scoop of mint chocolate chip in a waffle cone you’re a practical straight forward people what do you guys think is in here sounds like books oh my God feels so weird to be looking at a dead kid and not have angry
Parents nearby hey look there’s something written inside the lid you’ve crossed the miles you’ve paed through Clues find where he hits misses cheers and Bo hey by the way for those who came on my boat I have those sandwiches hits misses cheers and booze could be baseball and
Pod through Clues could it be pcket the puet Red Sox play at McCoy Stadium Quagmire let’s get to that Stadium Lois took the bike hey wait a minute this is a great time for me to do my Suzuki Samurai promo are you a Hawaii scumbag do you chug
Energy drinks in Arizona Suzuki Samurai Ninja Name garbage C you sons of this is my oh my God look at him Lois was right this treasure hunt has turned them all into animals there’s more where that came from mister he was right there was More oh look who’s back the grave robber hey Lois so what happened you find your treasure no I realized something after you left it’s not the treasure that matters all that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure I guess I had to learn that the
Hard way Peter you were a real jerk out there I know you were right I took this thing way too far and I’m really sorry about how I treated you and the kids but you know me if I read anything on a place mat I just kind of go nuts can you
Forgive me chish forgave me I can’t wait for you to fall asleep tonight of course I forgive you Peter so I guess everyone else came to their censes too huh n they all ran off to McCoy Stadium what why what’s at McCoy Stadium and it was a
Clue at the graveyard here I took a picture with my phone oh it’s the next picture just swipe it B to the next one she saw me you’ve crossed the miles you’ve ped through Clues find where he hits Mrs cheers and Boze Peter this can’t be leading them to a baseball stadium
Baseball wasn’t invented until the 1800s wow you’re really smart Lois you know Peter in the first8 minutes of Meg’s play before I walked out they said miles musket was a horrible drunk and a wife beater so when it says it’s misses it might be talking about hitting Ms musket
And he probably misspelled Ms because he was drunk when he wrote it or maybe he misspelled it because cursive is hard and everyone should get off his back and cheers and booze might be referring to a bar where he would cheers and drink his booze hits Mrs cheers and booze wait a
Minute it’s got to be an old bar right the clam’s the oldest bar in town that must be where the treasure is all right let’s you put some makeup on and get right down to the clam oh no they’re closed hang on I got an idea but you have to believe what you
Have to believe say you believe okay I believe this is worse than the time we were in the clam right now yes Peter look that’s mil’s musket it is yes how have you never seen this painting before Lois I’m completely hammered every time I’m in here We did it we found the treasure you know what Peter why don’t you open it oh yeah yeah yeah yeah no okay I’ll I’ll I’ll open it here hold this congratulations you have won the Founding Father Restaurant Treasure Hunt challenge please enjoy one free meal at select Founding Father locations expires
May 16th 2006 wait a second what year is it it’s 2013 Peter so that’s it’s before the coupon no good oh man um this sucks worse than when I went to that strip club without Lois y yay well Peter I hope you’re not disappointed we didn’t find any treasure
No it’s fine you know the important thing is we figured out those Clues together I mean so what we won’t be able to pay to fix them veins in your legs you’re are my treasure Lois and I want you on my team for everything except for
Sports me too Peter I love you I love you too Lois no Chris I can’t believe you’re helping the principal with morning announcements today I can’t believe I forgot to wear pants mag give him your pants mom Meg it’s a big day for your brother fine it’s so cool you’re going to be like one of those DJs on SiriusXM where
It’s all national so nothing’s local anymore you’re listening to SiriusXM Channel 100 and something hey it’s hot out there but it’s also cold in some places XM something you’re probably in a rental car these pants are way too big okay Chris while you make these announcements I’m going to be massaging
Your shoulders just so I can say in court that I do it to everyone and if you want to liven things up you can start out by saying Good morning Vietnam what you know from the movie starring Robin Williams who it was set in the Vietnam War where he was
Nominated for an Oscar why but sadly he recently died how he choked himself off that’s the first thing I understood go ahead okay God good good movement morning morning angle bir everyone everyone the stagnant cancer muting the student council meeting you know what you’re done good job great job
Chris Good morning Vietnam right okay well the student council meeting will be held today at 3:00 in the gymnasium I never would have gotten that word Alexa off and that’s how you do an announcement not like that Griffin I feel like I gained 20 PBS just
Standing next to him I have to open the window to get that fat kid smell out hey lawnmower guy how do you say fat in Spanish Gordo that kid was mucho Gordo I think you mean mu Gordo that’s enough lawn more [Laughter] [Laughter] okay Alexa stop playing sad music I don’t think this thing is working at All hey Stewie where’s the sh I’m at the Opera Brian this part always speaks to me I can’t stand to hear Italians talk but man get them singing how can you afford an entire Opera in your room oh boy Brian’s upset because someone has something he doesn’t you know what I’m getting you for your birthday the ability to be
Happy for other people you’re not answering my question Brian I’d love to stay and talk but Bugs Bunny is about to make this tenor hold a note for far longer than anyone should 8 a stinker we now return to Suits as a courtesy to the hardworking cast and
Crew we ask you to please refrain from looking at your iPad while the show is on okay fair enough morning everyone how’s the case coming we’re having trouble supporting the defendant’s claim is this show a drama or a comedy I don’t know let’s look it up Seasons filmed in Toronto there a
Japanese version other shows filmed in Toronto handmaid’s tail Shadow Hunters what’s Shadow Hunters I don’t know let’s look it up guys please people worked really hard on this Keith Keith what’s the matter it’s Chris you idiot Mary what happened principal Shepherd fat shamed Chris in front of the whole school Oh no just
Stay the course Lois that fat is going to win him biggest boy at the State Fair Peta this is very serious so his biggest boy school should be a safe place where they get shot sometimes they should not not be insulted Peter are you even listening to
Me give us a strut down stage well he’s a big big boy a biggest boy he a big big boy the biggest boy a big big boy biggest boy big big boy biggest boy so we’re all decided our last High School play was about as gay as we want
To go let’s try to top out at that level of gay if there’s nothing else there’s still the agenda item of you fat shaming Chris Griffin I think we can table that as long as it’s a pretty strong table excuse me I’m sorry but fat Shaman is
Not okay this is the year 2020 and nothing is okay this is the year of instant outrage what this is my son we’re talking about sure more than once I’ve caught him eating Crisco with a spoon but I can’t watch everything he eats that’s all I’d be doing and deep
Down he’s just like everyone else all together in one big pair of pants his his sister Meg’s pants wow Lois did you try to stum out of town it’s killing yeah I’m funny in any case principal Shepherd needs to be held accountable for fat shame in my son
No matter how fat or shameful he may be if your son had been shot all I could offer is thoughts and prayers but this calls for a far stronger response shepher you’re fired oh yeah well now that I’m fired I can finally tell you all how I really feel about you
You’re like family to me Alexa play the sad song from Stripes hey we’re still in Here uh excuse me I saw a commercial in which a dog had a very shiny coat the dog was uh jumping over a fence maybe on on a farm or something again his coat was very shiny yeah I um hate this job so I don’t
Know oh my gosh wow this is so exciting excuse me it’s really you we recognize you from your book ah you’ve read faster than the speed of Love be careful with that thing it might accidentally change your life I don’t know that book I’m talking about this one
Flunky the dumb white dog by Griffin Stewart my catchphrase is herf derf hey do you know where I could find any books about um the panre thanks for taking me to the movies Peter ah sure Lois you know when you said Miles Teller I was like eh but then then once you get here you realize you
Can sit anywhere hello Griffins principal shepher that’s right and it’s just first name Shepherd now that you’ve had me fired and I have no income and now I’m living in my car just pan handling outside Miles Teller movies which is pretty slim Pickins obviously Lois can I talk to you one
Step over this way yet magically out of earshot from him we can’t let this stand we have to do something for him what are we supposed to do he brought this on himself all right Peter he can live with us until he gets back on his feet you made
A full and convincing case yay hey you can live with us well that’s great news uh what’s your um fet policy huh W Lois if he’s asking about it too I guess we should finally get one Peter we’re not getting a fet also would it make any sense to put all
The beds in one room and make one room a trampoline room oh well now that’s Interesting well here we are Mr and Mrs Griffin I don’t know how to thank you yeah don’t worry about it make yourself at home the Wi-Fi is Joe Swanson guest Chris there’s someone here who’s got something to say to you I’ve never seen this man before in my
Life principal Shepherd what are you doing here Chris I fat shamed you and I believe I owe you a weasly political apology so if you took offense to anything I said I certainly regret that you did that at this point I consider the matter closed thank you so much
Principal shephard I know that was very difficult for you well I accept your apology Chris onward and upward now I believe you have some master bating to do young man I already did it Chris I mean I was about to a boy oh oh he’s a good boy he
Is this is real cuz I’m making the motor noise hey there Stewie finally cutting that grass I see well if someone had returned my mower when they said they were going to I would have done it weeks ago who I see the mower isn’t the only
Thing running hot but speaking of I uh need to borrow a shovel I’m digging a hole a hole where are you going China that’s the hope all right well I’ll be checking your Instagram W careful that’s how God makes Angels well I guess I know where you got
All that money you wrote a whole children’s book series about me and you made me look like a total idiot look you got to call the public and have these books recalled not a chance Brian all I’m doing is presenting you honestly to the public just like I did to the
Witches in Salem who but a witch would not give up her virtue to a man who brought her a luncheon of salt pork and boiled sweets but your honor I tried to give up my virtue I begged him to take me then and there yeah okay okay no no
Nobody believes that tall tale and he would have none of it I offered him posterior intimacy okay let’s just everyone calm down the court reporter will still his quill on hands and knees I beged him he said he had an early appointment witch witch press her between Stones attention Griffins could Peter Griffin please report to the backyard shut up Peter I’m looking at your aptitude assessment uh we think you would be more comfortable eating in the special breakfast unit sounds like chaos in here don’t worry Miss Judy will take care of you she
Doesn’t have her teaching degree but she is abnormally strong why can’t I just eat with my family we’re trying to get you ready to eat with your family hey you must be Miss Judy ow that’s my wrist that’s my wrist Miss Judy Ow attention Griffins someone drew a penis on my car Peter I’m looking at you couldn’t have been me I don’t even know what penises look like cuz I’m not gay never even seen one you don’t have a penis I do I just don’t look at it cuz
I’m not gay now if it was a vagina I’d say you have your man seen a ton of those seen three of those whoa whoo wo three de’s Dad okay your mom nice your sister when she was born getting colder and my aunt she fell out of the casket
At a funeral and a dress came up did you know they pack cotton in corps’s nose rectums and vaginas to prevent embomb fluid from leaking anyway I gave the eulogy at the church and I talked about it it was all ad lied now that preacher won’t even make eye contact with me at
The grocery store I don’t know why that bothers me but it does what were we talking about oh yeah your car got donged yeah I did it it was Me okay who do I make this out to actually could you use a Sharpie no my my mom says I can’t use Sharpies they’re permanent Stuart Griffin I represent Brian Griffin who is suing you for defamation that’s right I lawyered up you little sorry I’m late I was just on FR M
Griffin God J was watching J Love Lucy then J was wondering why Lucy wasn’t talking so much much and then realized it was just a orange cat in an astray all right never mind that just join me one step over here yet out of earshot so I can wrap your knuckles with a
Ruler that’s it I want you out of our house right now we are sick of you what you’re kicking me out does everyone feel this way we abso well at least someone’s been paying attention but very well I’ll get out of your hair if you’ll all just help me get
My things out of the basement wait a minute he doesn’t have his stuff down here that’s right until you all have better attitudes you’re in detention detention he he put us in detention in our own house oh my God oh my godar wait uh okay we’re going to deal
With that thing and then we’re going to deal with detention how long is principal shepher going to keep us in detention down here oh you got a big date is that it got to get out of here for a big date is that what you’re saying hey bite my butt mom
At least I’m not a withered old Like You are oh just kiss and get it over with guys guys guys it’s natural that we’d be at each other’s throats all right we’ve been down here for 3 minutes the question is how are we going to get
Out all right we’re playing no no no no no no no me me me all right who’s Next Mr Griffin you may proceed thank you your honor in my case to prove that Brian Griffin is in fact an idiot and therefore cannot be defamed I call Brian Griffin to the stand now Mr Griffin you claim that you you are not dumb if that is true please tell me the difference
Between Michael Sarah and Jesse Eisenberg objection no one could possibly know that objection sustained you’re on thin ice counselor very well now Mr Griffin I’m going to recite a biography and I’d like you to maintain your composure on December 1st 1951 Treat Williams was born where where
Where’s the treat thank you I will now read the entry for Christopher Walkin walk go for a walk this dog is dumb no further questions your honor at this point I will turn things over to Brian’s lawyer the gentleman from table knee bump and Associates thank you you’re ah
Son of a dick ah ah crap right on the bone ah do you wish to proceed huh No sucks being in detention I feel like we’re in The Breakfast Club or something I don’t know maybe we can take this time to learn more about each other sorry Lois we can’t we got a breakfast club dance for the fox promo this Sunday on an all new Family
Guy the Griffins are grounded and the one actor of color plays a character named lawnmower guy way to go everyone now we have this unearned closeness don’t you see this must have been why principal Shephard locked us down here we’ve never sat down and talked like this principal shepher is
The best principal ever I’m totally re-energized like when my old high school Crush asked to be my friend on Facebook Karen Alman wow that’s a blast from the past the game begins hey cutie long time no talk I’m trapped in Europe and all I have is my bikini could you wire me
$3,000 for Old Time sake beatric Fuller she was a snack Checkmate Mr Foreman has the jury reached a verdict we have not your honor we all feel we need another night at the Hyatt with free HBO that free HBO was just a preview it ended today we have a verdict your honor please proceed the dog is an idiot the baby wins HF
DF well congrats Stewie you made me look like a fool up there I mean I can’t believe you do this to me I’ll never forgive you who are you kidding Brian you’re a dog I’m going to walk out that door come back in and you’ll just be excited to see
Me hey hey you’re you’re back oh man I feel like you’ve been gone forever hey watch me spin around wo wo w fat ankles all right last call for new business and again we cannot show you the nude photos the Spanish teacher sent to that kid well I guess that’s it let’s
Get out of here now Peter the other thing oh right my name is Peter Griffin and I get to the conclusion part of my speech faster than most people in conclusion I think the school should rehire principal shepher Mr Griffin you make a Brisk and compelling case I hereby reinstate
Principal Shephard yes I love you baby sorry Lois I needed you out of the way so I could kiss this lady It’s good to be back wait who drew this dong on my desk not me I wouldn’t even know how to draw one I’ve only seen two mine and my uncle’s at his funeral he died with my aunt in a car crash remember her from earlier with the
Vagina my uncle didn’t fall out of the casket though I stayed late and unbuckled his trousers what were we talking about oh yeah your desk got dawned yeah I did it it was me well Brian thanks for being a good sport about the flunky books no problemos
Stewie oh I wish you hadn’t done that if anything you gave me a good chance for some self-reflection fact is you inspired me to get back to doing some writing wow it’s really you oh thanks but I no longer write the flunky Books no not that book this
One swishy the football Baby by grian Brian can you say one of your catchphrases like hey sailor or up for brunch oh how about I’m a bottom Brian so I’m sorry it’s not really our brand I see well what about Phineas and Ferb erotic fanfiction now that is interesting read it to me while I eat my soup Ferb was having a throbby morning Phineas was having none of it oh hey Lois can I please have another
Pancake what what’s so funny I don’t know dog eating pancakes it’s funny Mom I need to check for the school field trip jeez me didn’t I just take you on a field trip okay here’s the field goodbye forever ah mag I’m injured please help me I smell
Gas mag I’m still alive but I’m badly burned come save my life and nurse me back to health oh God why do bad things happen to good people here sweetie I’ll write you a check no no no I got it Lois let me just lick my thumb cuz that’s
What people do before they write a check okay now let me tilt my glasses down and ask the date what’s the day today dad why don’t your checks have any writing on them why don’t your shelves have any trophies on him I’ve obviously caught you at a bad
Time Lois why don’t my checks have any writing on them well Peter what that’s just a wide pad of poits I gave you what so that million dooll check you gave me yesterday is no good I quit my job man I will not see you Monday what the hell Lois why don’t I
Have a real checkbook Peter where do checks come from uh when a mommy and daddy love each other that’s why Lois I want my own checkbook and I want it now ooh I like when Dad talks tough he sounds like Dirty Harry you got to ask yourself one question do I feel lucky
Well do you punk oh Mr Harry you’re really not going to like what I have to Say hi what can I do for you yes I was wondering where is the room where I can roll around nude with my money I’m sorry no I’m sorry I thought this was a bank I’ll handle this my husband wants to open a checkin account okay well first
I’ll need to see a photo ID and a birth certificate of course I keep all my important papers in my booom okay Justin Peter Griffin it’s actually just Peter Griffin so this is not your birth Certificate oh my God your first name is Justin it is wow I never noticed that Justin Griffin huh I like the s that I’m a Justin this is awesome this changes everything Peter it doesn’t change a thing you’re still the exact same person I beg to differ and now international news from aljo
Jazer people ked the people are dead hey Lois you see my hike in I need them later for Park Sher Peter why the hell do you look like that uh my name isn’t Peter my name is Justin I’m living a Justin lifestyle and so is my
Family you want to go to a coner huh want to go to a loud coner no since I’m your cool father Justin we should bond with skin-to-skin contact how about Justin takes his shirt off and we can get some photos of you on Justin’s belly your heartbeat is weird it is not
Consistent at at all okay let’s go for a ride in my open Jeep I took the doors off so it’s extra terrifying jeez this is just in phase of Daz is kind of weird H not as weird as his karaoke face Peta did you throw up in the sink p
Out here in the fields yeah that was me I was one of threw up in a shink i f for My dad what are you doing in here oh hey Chris I just figured now that I’m Justin I should start a sweet news wall for stuff I think is totally sweet big puffy clouds are very sweet big hamburgers small hamburgers too sliders I think they’re called Ranch here’s just a
Picture of a vest pretty sweet palm trees are very sweet cuz like the beach this is my room dad the band gusta is the sweetest band of all time it was tough cuz I had to move all my o stuff to fit the gusta stuff pea get out of
Chris’s room oh hey mama hey you seen my copy of into the wild I like to have it on my person at all times in case I need a quick inspo sesh oh did I tell you I’m going to be doing a lot of a Brees pea
You sound like an idiot and did you put a skateboard in the washing machine it’s going to cost several hundred to repair How We Do Lois all we do you ever get in the pocket of a wave Peter you know I haven’t and I know for a fact that you
Have it either in the pocket some gnarly out there some n eyes was in one today it’s like the rest of the world just shuts off and all it matters is you and Lady blue and you know what she said to me you’re great keep it cool Lois k e
WL so you want to go upstairs sure great go hey Justin I wanted to introduce you to Kira she’s the one who brought four Luc Sierra Nevadas Kira you totally Rock for bringing those Peter what the hell is going on oh dude is that your mom no I’m
Not his mom you little bastard that little bastard knows how to smoke pot out of an apple I’ll right everyone out of here I’ve had enough of this Justin nonsense tomorrow we’re going to City Hall to legally change your name back to Peter a all right fine but I got to say
Being Justin was quite an adventure like when I found Where the wild things Were I owe you Max you led me right to them all right now help me grind their horns into boner pills Kira that was an amazing night sorry I can’t drive you to work I got to go sit in my Den until you leave oh that’s okay I’ll just take the school
Bus wait what you you drive a school bus no silly I take the bus I’m in high school what the hell you said you were 23 yeah and you said you love me well I guess you got me there hey Quagmire sorry to bother you
But we’re following up on a tip did you have sex with this underage girl I don’t want to go to jail but I really want to take credit Quagmire I’m afraid you’re under arrest for statutory rape all right but let me just send the pictures I took of her last night to all
My friends oh yeah boom you’re disgusting take them away we’ve got all the awesome evidence we Need hello my name is Glenn Quagmire I am a neighbor of yours on Spooner Street I am here to inform you that I am a sex offender seems as though you could have had some of that memorized Glenn what the hell’s going on it turns out that
Girl I took home from Peter’s party last night is in high school oh my God does this mean you’re going to move to Europe to make movies how in the world did you not know she was underage well in retrospect she did ask a lot of questions about to kill a mockingbird
Should have Cent her my way I love that book oh Gregory peek anyway now I got to go in front of a judge really number one or number two our judicial system is so broken now Peter Glenn has to go to court that’s right and there’s not even a defense for
Statutory rape once the girl proves her age that’s it you’re guilty you know what I tried today a fig I have a hearing tomorrow morning I may have to go to jail my only hope for leniency is to bring in character Witnesses and show the court I’m not the monster they say I
Am well Peter would be happy to support you yeah you bet you Quagmire I’m very persuasive that’s why I was so good at selling lowcost car insurance white trash rates from an army guy here is a penguin don’t know why The General car insurance it’ll worry whoever you
Hit I can’t believe Quagmire and that girl had sex which is hugging someone really hard with your legs nope well you’ll tell me if I get it though right yeah I’ll tell you if you get it okay I’m going to get it now Mr Griffin I understand you’re here to speak on Mr
Quagmire’s behalf that’s right youran and as we know according to Game of Thrones if the girl has had her blood she is good to go has the girl had her blood answer the question Mr Griffin she was underage yes however Mr Quagmire was born on February 29th ego he’s only 12
Ego the girl raped him ago Ben Affleck Mr Griffin do you have any evidence that is not based on film or television I don’t know why don’t you ask all these letters to Santa Claus something’s going on we haven’t gotten mail in a week I I haven’t gotten
Mail in a week nobody writes you officer Swanson I’ll remind you that you are under oath now please tell us what Mr Quagmire said he did with the girl he uh said he gave her a Frosty gy and can you please explain to the courtroom what a frosty gym is uh sir
You’re under oath well it’s when you you’re in a condom and tie it off freeze it and then the woman um pretends it’s a man thank you he’s a good guy Mr Brown Can you please State your occupation for the court oh come on man you didn’t ask anyone else to do that
Why am I on trial he’s the one that mushed himself on a child when are we going to see this chick okay enough no more help I’m taking this Bible you want to know what kind of person Glenn Quagmire is you want to know what made me the
Person I am then put me on the stand Lois can I play Angry Birds on your phone okay but only with the sound off fine I’ll just do it with my Mouth please go ahead Mr Quagmire look I know everyone’s sitting out there judging me today but before you do please know I had it pretty rough growing up my dad was a military man so he wasn’t around much my mom well let’s just say she was a little promiscuous in
Fact I think my problem started the day I was born it’s a boy Mrs Quagmire Ah that’s wonderful how do you feel horny really horny could you put him back so I can push him out again I was born nine times that day and things never got easier the
Only way I learned my ABC’s was by learning the names of all the guys my mom slept with art Bob chat Don Ed Frank Gus Hal Irv John Ken Lou matet oxat Quinn Ron Sam Tom UL Vic Walter Xavier yes and Zeke those are just some of the
Guys there are lots of other guys it was awful I didn’t even get to go to my high school prom but my mom did hey is Crystal ready oh hi Ronnie Hey listen have my mom home by midnight okay how about I plow her in the limo
And have her home in 20 minutes oh come on Ronnie she bought the dress So you see your honor thanks to my mom I never had a chance to be like everyone else my misguided carnal instincts are the result of being raised by a sexual deviant all I’m asking is that you give
Me the break that my childhood never did Dairy Queen closes in 10 minutes Mr cragmire your story is a sad one but that doesn’t excuse your actions I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison oh no you don’t mom Crystal she’s enjoyed many Man mom what are you doing here you know I’m carrying three handguns and the metal detectives picked up nothing your honor as the defendant’s mother I ask that you show Mercy on him well as the victim’s mother I ask that you go to hell where is your daughter show her to
Us your honor I have renounced my sinful past and have been washed in the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ you what I have seen the righteous path of our savior and asked that you not sentence my son to jail but instead release him to my custody so that I with God’s guidance
Can rehabilitate him wow quite May’s mom is a Jesus Freak I’ve been this surprised since we went to that restaurant on my birthday all right guys let’s pay the check and get out of here happy birthday to you you guys happy birthday to you happy birthday dear Peter happy birthday to
You aren’t you going to blow out your candles Peter mom I think something’s wrong with Dad Peter Peter oh my God help someone call 911 it’s okay ma’am this happens here at benan all the time how long does this last hard to say it’s best to just move On I’m sorry Mrs Quagmire but my sentence stands 20 years Mr Quagmire I’ll give you 24 hours to get your Affairs in order oh my God don’t think of it as 20 years think of it as two 10 year- olds you sick Freak God 20 years I know this is a hard time for you but you need to seek forgiveness you need to kneel before Jesus oh he’s going to be kneeling in front of a lot of guys but I doubt he’ll catch their names it’s usually somebody
Pushing your skull in the dark there are really no introductions remember he is inside you all the time time oh now she’s just setting me up right how dare you come in here and tell me to seek forgiveness where do you get off pretty much everywhere I hear fat man’s right
They’re making this easy you’ve never apologized once for the way you raised me you’re the one who made me what I am oh come on Quagmire you’re a grown man responsible for his own choices seems kind of cowardly to blame someone else for your problems Brian abandoned his
Own son by the way why are you of all people defending a religious nut aren’t you an atheist yeah it’s crazy you can think about about that while you’re in jail Glenn we’re not going to get anywhere questioning God’s wisdom he has a plan for everything oh now I get it
That’s why you found God so you can absolve yourself of any responsibility and answer everything with empty platitudes face it you’re a worse parent than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie I’m concerned about Pax Max and Shiloh they’re having trouble adapting they’ve been raised with 11 languages and really
Don’t speak any I hear you doctor so you’re saying we should give them all fa Hawks no I think they need intensive therapy let me see if I understand you even shorter on the sides don’t you see this is your chance to open your heart
And let God in I know this jail sentence seems long but Salvation can last all eternity you know what else lasts in eternity this conversation and maybe through our shared relationship with the Lord we can begin to build a bond as mother and son mother and son mothers love their
Children they nurture them and protect them you’ve never done a thing for me I’d rather rot in jail than sit here and listen to all your crap Glenn’s right I was never there for him I’ve got to find some way to fix this did you hear about your ex-husband
Yet he had a uh procedure you know some families take their baby to the zoo that’s also a fun activity I’m really gonna miss all you guys and I’ll think of you whenever I choke on a link sausage take care buddy yeah fresh air Freedom Peter while
I’m away I want you to hold on to my antique gold Rolex watch oh cool a throwing watch no no Peter it and I cannot stress this enough it is not a throwing watch oh I hear you Quagmire it didn’t come back like you said it
Would and Joe you sure you don’t mind taking care of my cat oh no all taken care of brought her to the pound this morning she went peacefully what no I I I meant take care of her like look after her well that seems like a note for this
Morning you know maybe I won’t miss you people as much as I thought do you have anything for me Glenn what no what what I just found out my cat died hm I can’t help but think this selfish attitude is part of what got you here goodbye Glenn
Be strong we’ll keep you in our thoughts oh yeah you better get rid of that before you get in there all right goodbye everybody and and don’t worry about me I’ll see you real soon hey you guys take good care of my child rapist friend Mr Quagmire wait judge what are
You doing here I wanted to tell you the good news in person your sentence has been commuted you will not be serving prison time time after all you got a good body man why do you hide it under that robe commuted I don’t understand hello Glenn Mom what’s going on here by
The way your honor your fly is down well let’s just say some new DNA evidence was produced and an impressive amount I’d say guy takes care of himself anyway you’re free to go you’re kidding Mom did you yep twice but I thought you were Christian now helping my son is the most
Christian thing I could do you were right Glenn I was a terrible mother I wasn’t there for you when I should have been but I’d love a second chance I’d like that I’d like that very Much ah quag Maya got away with it and learned we now return to an early draft of a street car Named Desire Deb Deb [Applause] debie good night Lois sorry about hitting you at dinner it was nice of the manager not to call the cops yeah it
Worked out happy anniversary hey hey I C remember if I’m supposed to sleep on my stomach or my back what does the current literature say Peter go check on Stewie fine oh my God look at you you’re out of breath it’s 15 ft from your door to mine
A what’s the matter Stewie you a little scared in here don’t worry there’s no Monsters of course there’s no monsters or are you worried about what happened to that family down the street those three guys broke in beat up the father with a croquet Mallet and then stole a
Baby and nobody knows where the baby is now is that what you’re thinking about buddy I am now tell you what Daddy you’ll read you a bedtime story let’s see Dr sh Peter Rabbit ah here we go James MERS Hawaii let’s skip 3 feet in ah Pearl Harbor okay let’s see uh ah
Here we go fairy tales oh not on your lap oh gross Jack and the beanstar and that title could be a fairy tale or a porn let’s find Out Jack we need to put food on the table oh give me a break wife you know if you could spin straw into gold or or maybe meth I wouldn’t need a job well then sell the cow and be sure you get real money for it what else would I get
I don’t know magic beans there are magic beans I don’t know who cares well what’s Magic about him don’t get magic beans you idiot what I i’ never even freaking heard of magic beans till you said him if I do get them it’s you what costed It so you’re selling me well you heard her back there she wants a stupid magic be so the whole world has to stop oh Travelers oh my God why do you look like that all of these stories were written by Germans but nobody can cross my
Bridge without paying a toll a toll like what you have to name three great Jewish athletes or pay a thousand gold coins uh Hank Greenberg Sandy kofax and uh gal fridman Olympic wind Surfer took golden Athens in 2000 and the bronze in Atlanta in ‘ 96 I can see you’re on your phone
Oh come on I’m supposed to go into town and sell this cow oh you’re selling that cow I don’t have much but I’ll give you some magic beans for it that’s exactly what I was supposed to get I said not magic beans look L last
Just admit we both kind of got our wires crossed and commit to being clearer in the future Jack I’m sick of your irresponsible Behavior like when you were supposed to be babysitting Georgie Porgy and his sleazy brother Rick Porgy hey Rick you want to kiss some girls and
Make him cry no but let’s thumb blast him and make him puke what the hell are we supposed to do with these anyway yeah I knew you’d be mad so I’ve asked the band heart to explain these beans in a way you can dreamily digest when I
Eyes every second of the night I live another life these be sleep cor outside they changed the word dreams to beans I I was hoping they’d change a few more words to pertain to our situation but I I I’m just happy they did this Jack this is ridiculous tomorrow I want
You to go back out there and look for a job that pays actual money these things are worthless I know she’s gone but can you do the other one Mary Davis gives birth to lamb holy Crap Oh my God what what is that I think those magic beans grow into a giant beant stock hey where the hell that thing come from it’s blocking my view a little Miss muffet’s tough it o isn’t my tough it soft and pink and wonderful ah
Damn it I need to see that so I can make curds and weigh relax Rumple forkin this is a magic bean stock that grew overnight and I’m going to climb it Jack why what are you talking about you can’t climb all the way up there I have to my
Old gym coach is over there with a whistle come on Jack your brother was Varsity beant stalk climbing he’s Dead and now to throw this handful of change down because I’m a psychopath ah damn it thank you I say who the devil are you go away oh I’m sorry are you taking a goose poop I’m not defecating you nitwit I’m laying an egg golden eggs oh my God this is
Probably what famous black rappers eat for breakfast who goes there oh boy you woke up dum dum B5 f f I smell the blood of an English man it’s odd that you would speak gibberish of your own choosing and not make it rhyme how did you get here by
Beanock how did you get up here this is just a house floating in the air I fell from a higher Cloud that is not what happened he’s out of his mind he just sits in his room all day and inhales hairspray well you can’t have my Goose
Okay two men fighting over me neat all right we’re just going to have to quietly run away I’ll create a diversion ah look at me look at me look at me Ah damn be stuck hey little boy Brown you said you were going to help me saw I can’t find no Gloves Jack 6 giant zero what what why is that six points oh Jack you’re safe I was so worried and I got this Golden Goose our troubles are over well our money troubles are over our sexual troubles are still are still very much Alive now we wait the end show the lesson there is if you steal you better be ready to murder too what do you say we read another one wow you got a great view into Bonnie’s window from here man how do you get any work done what do you mean Lois is
Prettier than Bonnie oh I get it it’s worse but it’s different okay all right so that’s something Okay so I got out of a car to take a leak because I’ve been drinking and I didn’t know it was next to a children’s park but anyway that’s why this lady has to watch whenever I play with you both hands on the book please it’s my son
Come on jeez thank you Maya all right the next story is Little Red Riding Hood Red Riding Hood was choosing her clothes for a journey across the forest you know if I had the guts I would be little white turtleneck by guts I mean body red don’t forget this basket of
Food for Grandma this whole thing is way too heavy why are you putting a bag of ice in here is this is this a K’s party ball is Grandma going to be entertaining Florida jet ski people remember stay on the path and you’ll be fine oh yes great
Advice from mother of the year you do realize grandma lives 68 miles away right you’re sending your child out there to die la la la la skipping song skipping song no one’s here to call me gay if you are my son I would kill you really because I hear your son is a
Sap if you’re going to hit the king you better kill the King oh hey you’re the wolf right yep and don’t forget big and bad no so um what happened with you and those three little pigs why why did you want to eat them so badly it it’s so amazing that that’s what people think happened first of all I didn’t want to
Eat them all right I wanted to talk to one of them about what well she was my ex-girlfriend and I believed I was do an explanation about why she was such a all right well I’m off to my grandmother’s but before I go I better
Take a deep Woods dump her bathroom is right off the dining room so it’s either now or 3 days from now where are you going dear I got to go check on my shoe apartment complex old woman breeds like a gopher hello is anyone home I no no I
Can hear the muffled Mexican music look if you guys don’t shape up I’m going to rent this place to Goldilocks and the Three Bears ooh this is nice eyes it’s every bit as darling as you said they’re going to fix up the Place who is it it’s your granddaughter red how do I know it’s you oh come on that’s a perfect imitation open up I brought Strawberry Shortcake and Cool Whip and what oh sorry I mean Cool Whip that’s my little girl oh my come in who the hell are you why your grandma
Of course all right fine I guess we’re doing this my what big eyes you have Grandma all the better to see you with my dear my what big you know what I I’m sorry I I can’t I I can’t do this I’m I’m not an idiot my grandma is a human
Woman how is this ever a scene all right fine yes it’s me the wolf must we go through this Sha it’s insulting I don’t know why you’re complaining I’m the one who’s about to get violently bisected by The Woodsman what Woodsman ha you know I’m not sure if that’s our
Hero or just a lunatick going house to house murdering people yeah he he he just did it again I think we should I think we should call Somebody a look at the little guy so peaceful hey wake up we got one more now if this don’t get you to sleep nothing will Cinderella by nobody remembers a long time time ago in a magical far away land several women lived together and surprise surprised they didn’t exactly get Along hey Cinderella how’s the scrubbing going God we have so few female characters to work with you just keep scrubbing that poo spot so I can come back and poo on that spot again you guys are going to regret being mean to me someday mean to you us when are we ever
Mean to you remember the time you told King Midas to go to third base with me now I’m dealing with this I dated him Too it’s so unfair that we are called the evil stepsisters yeah I mean you’d be evil too if your stepdad was Bruce Jenner hey girls feel my cheek it’s like a bottom he stole me horn well I don’t I don’t know what that was but the the first one has a
Parchment from the charmings it’s an invite to a party for the prince I hear he’s looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with well it won’t be you yeah there’s a reason this store is not called Cinderella actually it is ah that does not bode well for Us now since we’re all planning on drinking I called us a pumpkin wait for me you said if I had a nice dress I could go to the ball how did you even make that dress so fast oh you know I have an eye for fashion and I’m pretty good with
My hands unbelievable now I’m worried about that screenplay we gave her you’re not going to the ball it’s for ladies not scumbag nobody’s girls shred her dress and divvy it up for Monthlies [Laughter] well that’s not cool either they’re all kind of and then they ripped up my dress so now I have nothing to wear well sometimes nothing to wear is a fun time you know just get weird Cinderella I am your Fairy Godmother fairy in the magical sense not
About kissing guys oh my God I want that Snow White to just admit she had an abortion whoa whoa I was thinking more like a new dress for the party or a bunch of chew toys your choice shw toys take the chew toys a New Dress well that
Means I could go to the ball oh what a beautiful dress but but how will I get to the ball I don’t have a horse or a Carriage oh yeah that’s yeah just change me into whatever yeah that’s cool thanks well is everything all right in here this hurts this Hurts this ball is kind of lame all these Royal types are inbreeding walyed bucktooth monsters who have to be wheeled around under a blanket I say wherever is Grandma Mom she would so enjoy the FES unities that’s not a word sir my mind races from The
Damp hey how are you hey hi there thanks for coming these are my daughters and they will do anything to be your princess Right girls see anything you like oh I’m so fancy and moist e you guys are gross but stick around in case I don’t find anyone
Else okay first of all obviously the dress wow and you smell slightly less worse than everyone else in the Kingdom oh I thank you I just bathed last year [Applause] Hey where you going come back here you brushed up against it you got to take care of it Now wait wait you forgot your glass slipper and a box of condoms oh man things were going to Happen we almost kissed why couldn’t the magic have lasted five more minutes now I’ll never get to be a rich do nothing wife sorry your dreams haven’t come true my Lord there is no sign of her and we searched far did you search wide no you
Got to search wide that’s like half of it and so the prince searched all over the kingdom for the foot that fit the glass slipper well not all over he skipped the uh south side of town which uh even in fairy tale times was um let’s just say loud
And so whoever fits in this slipper will be my princess or Prince I’m bye oh there’s my slipper oh I’ve been looking all over for it well when I’m not doing gymnastics this could be your life enough it’s you I can’t wait to make love to you a
Hundred years before the invention of toilet paper and so two people who danced together one time entered into an ill-advised long-term relationship and they lived happily ever after for 7 months and then separated with the goal of fixing themselves and getting back together they got into a huge fight when
His mom got sick and now they don’t even follow each other on Twitter the end good night Joey good night Chris good night Meg there it is you guys the best roller coaster in all a cwk the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen The Ride you know I think they kind of figured that movie was going to turn out to be bigger than it was oh come on Lois it’ll be
Awesome it simulates all the fun of of um what what was it now like it was like a like a tall guy in a black hat and a cape or something yeah yeah and there was the guy with the mask who wore a mask and one guy had an umbrella yeah
And I believe he opened it at one point yeah and it wasn’t overly long yeah not not overly long sorry sir there’s a weight limit on this coaster oh really what’s the limit the rule is you can’t look hilarious on this motor scooter I’m sorry there’s just no Way big news out of Six Flags Columbus today as they unveil what promises to be the largest roller coaster in the United States that’s right Joyce they call it the Holocaust the ride has several Jewish groups up in arms as they go over the first rise no I’m I’m kidding they’re they’re
Actually pretty upset wow I had heard about the Holocaust but I never believed it till right now I have to ride that ride Peter come on they’re not going to let you ride that ride either you’re overweight yeah if you want to ride that roller coaster you’re going to have to
Go on a diet a diet huh all right well how’s that work well I suppose you can start by keeping a food journal like Quagmire does yeah in fact I got it right here today I ate peaches Ginger honey candy Olive you know what this is
The wrong list all right if that’s what it takes to ride that ride I am going on a diet and I’m not stopping till I look as good as my great aunt legs go all the way up Griffin hey baby do those legs go all
The way up why yes they do ah oh my God you’re a monster come back my legs are shaved like a little girl hey what do you got there Peter rice cakes never had one but somebody told me this is a really good way to stat a diet
Ah who who could think of such a horrible thing we know you not like rice cake no Rakes all right Peter the most important thing when you’re on a diet is willpower now I’m going to put this steaming pie on the window sill to cool now no matter how many beckoning fingers that steam morphs into or how badly it tries to sneak its way up your nose knows I want
You to resist the urge to levitate off the ground and Float towards the pie doesn’t seem too hard all right go stand over there now you don’t no no you can’t go in there no no stay out of there that’s my special area no stop I’m saying
No what kind of pie is this p it’s making me watch Peter I don’t understand why we have to drive all the way to Ohio to ride a stupid roller coaster yeah besides they’re still not going to let you on you haven’t actually lost any weight oh I think my live figure would
Suggest otherwise a girdle is not a substitute for weight loss Peter hey I’m riding that roller coaster and that’s all there is to it now let’s get out of here this thing’s squishing my organs around there it is kids Columbus Ohio now remember there are no rules about who
Can wear stretch pants here so you’re going to see some pretty shocking things Brian is this our vacation yeah oh are we trash kind of Oh I’m sorry sir you’re too fat to ride the coaster oh darn it yeah why don’t you go back to your pond hippo how about me sir am I too fat to ride no you don’t seem to be well you got to hand it to him he had
A dream and he made it happen that’s what the R Brothers did so how’s your boyfriend orille doing ex-boyfriend if you don’t mind and who cares he’s probably off in a barn somewhere working on a Contraption with that weird brother of his ew haha you’re so so pretty I miss
You well this has given me a lot to think about my son is dead we are going to have to send that family money I know we are Mom I’m hungry can we stop and get some food well I guess it is close to dinner time Chris do we you
Hungry what are you looking at you going to propose what yeah exactly what eyes front what the hell looks like it’s the radiator well we just going to have to find a local mechanic on a Friday evening I don’t think we’re going to have any luck till
Monday besides probably not a lot of mechanics around here so we’re stuck here hey Lois you see that barn out there you know who it was built by by man nights well I guess we better see if there’s a hotel or something I can’t believe was stuck in
Amish Country yeah I thought something was a mish hey uh excuse me fella yeah we’re looking for a room are ye indeed Outsiders we do not see many of your folk in these parts but we welcome all of God’s children in their hour of need well actually I think we need it for
More than an hour or do we right Lois I I do not last very Long H creepy what’s this it’s an Amish doll they’re not allowed to have faces has something to do with vanity looks like a cross-dressing Cobra Commander who Cobra Commander he’s the head of Cobra the bad guys from GI Joe the guys who oddly shout the name of their terrorist organization as they’re
Attacking guys we’re under attack by who I don’t Know Cobra oh it’s Cobra oh of course look they have the pictures of the snakes on their planes Duke what have I been saying for years what makes a good terrorist organiz brand recognition brand recognition mom I can’t stay here there’s no electricity no telephones it’s horrible excuse me I
Assure you our community is quite Pleasant perhaps I could show thee around okay my name is Eli my parents run the Inn if there’s anything we can do to make your room more plain do not be afraid to ask ah we’ll be all right hotel in Amish Country can’t be any
Worse than staying in a youth hostel hi i’ like a room uh preferably one where I have to sleep with my bed B tape to my body uh we have one where some Italian Backpackers have laid out every item of clothing they own on all of the beds oh
Perfect will my bunk mates be constantly talking about me in a foreign language yes they will sir oh great uh also I’m going to have some mail delivered here and I wanted to sit in that box for 4 years oh and what street is the bathroom
On so what do you do for fun around here we do chores and we watch other people do chores sounds kind of boring alas there are times when I feel as if there is much of life I am missing yeah it’d be tough having no technology I don’t
Think I could live without my iPhone you have an iPhone yeah you’ve heard of it yes but only because people sometimes search for Amish farms on their iPhones Here Comes one Now thanks for a fun evening Eli and and thanks for being so nice to me I think you are the most fascinating girl I have ever met Meg here I want you to have this your iPhone yeah I made you playlist of songs that I
Like who is this I am hearing it’s alil LaVine why does she shout at me I don’t know most of my music I just get pressured to buy thank you for this gift Meg Eli what are you doing with that Outsider her name is Meg father and I was just showing her our community you stay away from her she will try to corrupt you that is not true father Meg is wonderful she is an outsider she does
Not follow the one true path you are not to see this girl again do you understand I forbid it yes sir now come home at once and as for you I suggest you stay away from my son you Harlot hey there young one why so sad it’s just that I really like this boy but his dad who look out sorry there didn’t realize how long it had been since old dumper did his business he’ll be done soon enough oh maybe not doesn’t sound like pooping does it sounds more
Like someone dropping sandwiches off a rooftop watch Out Below right look like Hacky Sacks you’ll be sorry if you kick him though all righty well he seems to be all done now you have a good oh my goodness he must have gotten into the chicken feed again you’d think they’d
Know it wasn’t in their diet but this is how they find out you may want to close your Mouth M what’s wrong Eli’s father Ezekiel said that I can’t see him anymore he said I was trying to corrupt his son he did Diddy well that does it we are going to teach this town how to dance oh me I’m so sorry I try to talk
To Eli’s father for you honey but I don’t know if it’s my place Ezekiel wouldn’t listen to you anyway Lois you’re a woman these people live in a patriarchal society the only member of our family whose word would carry any weight would be Meg’s Father Dad will you talk to Ezekiel will
You tell him I’m not trying to corrupt his son please all right I’ll do it but don’t expect any Miracles I’m not good with confrontation like when I got stuck behind that giraffe at the ball game yeah nice hit Frozen rope awesome what just happened ground rule double woo I
Couldn’t even see it yeah it was something ducks on a pond let’s bring him in could you please sit down I am sitting down you sit up I am sitting up but I still can’t see a thing sounds like a you problem let’s go socks before we commence with Samuel Fischer’s
Barn raising let us pray dear Amish Lord thou lookth sternly down upon us thine flock even though we did not do anything wrong and have been doing chores like crazy please make us humble and Deliver us more hardship that we may get thick callous hands much larger than other
Peoples and Grant that we become dull like Eric Bana who we have never seen but are just going by reputation because it is your will we solemnly believe that although humans have been around for a million years you feel strongly that they had just the right amount of
Technology between 1835 and 1850 not too little not too much please Deliver Us from Thomas Edison the worst human being who ever lived and protect us from those who laugh at our buggies or our hats and Deliver Us from mustaches amen hey uh Ezekiel you must be Mr
Griffin look I I know you guys are busy with your bond raising and all but um you know I just wanted to tell you how much my daughter Meg loves your boy Eli I promise you she ain’t trying to corrupt him or nothing Mr Griffin with
All due respect we live in two different worlds I must do what is best for my son and I have hey how do we know what’s going to happen for all we know Meg might want to Amish yourself I had not considered this I was verily preoccupied
With Eli’s corruption plus it is the time of the month when Eli’s mother is on the burl so what do you say let the kids give it a perhaps Mr Griffin perhaps good now on another note I notice you don’t have a damn lick of
Music in this town we do not believe in such ostentation well I am about to change your mind introducing rock and roll I’m on a high way to Hell High way to hell I’m on the you are banished from our community at once and take your daughter with
You how did it go Dad very well Meg my recollection is that it went extremely well really oh my god dad that’s fantastic so I can see Eli again Griffins what’s going on here your family must leave our community and return to the outside world Dad what’s happening I thought you talked to him sir please whatever you quarrel is with my husband I’m sure it’s probably Justified but I’m begging you don’t punish the children for it they’re
Innocent in all this innocent are they I found this in Eli’s corn hole well I his what the compartment in Eli’s room where he stores his corn oh well okay whatever you say look Ezekiel we would love to go back to the city believe me I I haven’t
Had a drink in 3 days but our car broke down we we can’t go anywhere until it gets fixed I have arranged to have that taken care of R is going to be so frustrating I know these horses are so slow sexy goodbye Abraham Lincoln People I’m sorry Meg Eli was the best boy I’ll ever me and now I’ll never see him again yes you will Meg Eli Eli what are you doing here I could not let you leave without me Meg I love you I love you Too hey Lois watch me lay rubber in front of these losers yeah yeah choke on that Nerds Eli I agree that your father was being somewhat unreasonable but I don’t think running away is the answer I know Mrs Griffin and I am sorry but I just could not bear the thought of never seeing Meg again you ever seen one of these Eli it’s a kico football game
Pretty mindblowing huh you know what this is garbage to us what the hell is that holy crap who did this it must have been my father this is how the Amish declare a feud but I thought they were nonviolent we are but Peter must have
Really pissed off my dad hey who R the leaves and look somebody mowed the lawn I was supposed to do that I have done your chores to rub you of the joy of doing chores you bastard Peta we don’t have a choice we’ve got to bring Eli back oh no we
Don’t what are you talking about we can’t be part of a feud with the Amish I didn’t start this thing Lois but I’m going to finish It Joe Go Round Up Quagmire and all the modern-day technology you can find we are going to war oh oh hey Bonnie is Joe there well can I leave a message for him yeah yeah it’s what I said before about the the the war Thing All right men this is it technology versus old timey wooden stuff let’s hit them hard what again was the nature of your beef with them I don’t know something about a roller coaster let’s Go apples fire Dam it Quilters Advance I bet this hurts so much oh damn it I’m bleeding oh now it’s an aid quilt suck on this you furry little Weirdos enough this crap Ezekiel call off your boys and let you and me finish this manto man indeed prepare for a goodly [Applause] beating dad stop leave him alone father what are you doing I am going to kill that man that man is my girlfriend Meg this is against everything our people stand for will you listen to me for one moment you were so worried about these Outsiders coming into our community and
Corrupting me but look at yourself you’re the one who’s allowed yourself to be corrupted God in heaven you are right I am deeply ashamed I only wanted to protect you I know you did Father kiss kiss kiss kiss son it is your life to live I must accept the life you choose
I choose to stay here what what Meg you are the most beautiful woman I will ever know you have shown me so many wondrous things that have opened my eyes to the world beyond my home but this is where I belong I’m sorry if this upsets you Meg
I love you Eli I’ll always love you if this is what you have to do then all I can say is I’ll never forget you I am sorry there has been conflict between us allow me to make amends please help yourself to anything in my cornhole hey don’t worry about it we can
Still be Pals and I know just a place for us to go and blow off all his steam we Went the usual fellas hey thanks Jerome wow Jerome what’s with the wheelchair well it was date night with my lady friend I put on some Teddy Pendergrass one thing led to another we started making love halfway up the stairs then I lost my footing and tumbled down half a
Flight Buck Nike well this is hardly dinner conversation who’s Teddy Pendergrass he’s America’s number one cause of urgent love making injuries if you’re not already in bed when Teddy starts singing somebody’s going to the AR anyway I busted my knee really bad so here I am ah jeez that stinks Jerome how
Long you going to be in that chair well that’s the problem the doctor said I need surgery if I’m ever going to walk again but I can’t afford it man I don’t know what I’m going to do I’ve Got to Get Up On My Feet Again relax it’s not
So bad I bet you’re going to discover some cool new things that you couldn’t do when you were walking like what well have you yelled at someone for using the handicapped stall yet that’s doall is for the differently abled you know well how do you know it’s not a handicapped
Person in there look no chair no crutches whoever’s in there definitely shouldn’t be oh I’m I’m sorry yeah sure you are hey you mind flushing for me pal no arms over here well I suppose it’s the least I could do oh my God it’s bigger than [Laughter]
You hey can you guys hear me all right yep loud and clear in the computer wait why you why’ you say Cleveland you’re cutting in and out damn it it’s his crappy internet service what does he have he hoarded a decade’s worth of those 100 free hours CDs AOL
Would send in the mail he’s chipping away at them one at a time let me all right we’ll fill him in later look we got to help Jerome pay for that surgery you guys yeah but where are we going to get that kind of money hello
Hello wait what if we did some sort of fundraiser Donna unplug everything I need the Internet no not that you know the local Firehouse made a sexy men in uniform calendar and it raised a ton of money don’t tell anybody but I heard not all 12 of those guys were from Cog who
Who would we tell that to I don’t know I’m just saying don’t that’s actually not a bad idea we already got three men in uniform I’m on the roof now is that b bird bird bird sto my L all right now remember we going for sexy so can you undo your shirt
There Joe did you skip your nap I don’t need a nap you need a nap I want to be done wait Joe Joe look look over here who’s that this is our friend leapy Hey Joe can you do me a favor okay can you be a big boy and unbutton
Your shirt for the picture yeah great we’re all done now take off your pants what the hell I said take them off Joe don’t listen to leapy I was wrong leapy is not our friend yeah that’s good okay Cleveland you’re mostly out of shape thankfully all postmen have
Mountain climber leg muscles those will be our Focus here they really that strong looking it’s like a lady bodybuilder boob I’m disgusted but I can’t look away all right let’s get started that’s it now thigh me there we go and now throw that bad boy up on the mailbox
Ah you’re a natural you’re like jaizelle Beyonce and Naomi Campbell Allin one you’re JIS on me that’s it JIS on me J on me yes J on me hey guys I’m just going to go ahead and close this okay get my house Assessed here you go fellas hey Jerome great to see you back on your feet already you’re telling me that calendar of yours paid for my surgery and then some consider your time paid up for the whole month wow did we really make that much money who’s buying all these yeah I
Figured just our friends would buy him for a laugh oh yeah we’re having a laugh all right might say everybody’s having a ball right Mr Brown what’s going on here give me that all right let’s start at my Naval and work down belt buckled at the third Notch per postal code regulation short
Securely zipped neatly pressed crease running down to my coo peble let me see that oh yeah that’s a half scrot bad dangle angle right there hell no the whole town seen it what am I going to do damn Mr Brown Larry bird ought to be diving through here any second cuz
That’s a loose ball good job sweetie you’re doing the work a thanks Dad I learned it all by watching YouTube videos of Les Dawson who the hell is that uh 1960s British comic Les Dawson famous for his mother-in-law jokes geez Spencer do the Work you wanted to see me sir Cleveland let me ask you something do you have a problem with the carrying capacity of your standard issue s104 canvas Satchel no sir I see so then why may I ask do you feel the need to carry around an extra
Sack sir you don’t understand it was a mistake you’re damn right it was your little mistake has made a complete mockery of the United States Postal Service this is a noble institution that runs on Dignity that’s the reason people trusted us to deliver free covid tests several months after it was relevant but
Sir no buts Cleveland you’ve left me no choice you’re fired now turn in your safari hat and your lady’s mace this is terrible I have such a hard time saying goodbye girl hey J up Cleveland I know you’ll miss being a fireman mailman mhm that job meant everything to me and what about
All the people on my route there’s going to be a riot when my regulars find out I’ve been replaced hi hi huh mail before noon so Cleveland how’s the job hunt going I can’t even start till that damn bird brings my laptop back I wonder what he even uses it
For wow is that a third lead guitar let me know in the comments guys oh who am I kidding you can’t replace working for the United States Postal Service I miss it already oh I feel useless come on Cleveland you’ve been moping around all week you know what why don’t you swing
By to brewery tomorrow I’ll buy you lunch did you say an insensitive joke at can now need to prove to everyone that you have a black friend see you there Buddy thanks for letting me tag along at the brewery Peter feels good to have some routine again ah crap look at the line it’s going to take me forever to get to the microwave Peter you have a salad yeah now I’m going to have to eat
It cold how am I supposed to work all day without a belly full of hot salad Griffin what the hell is going on we’ve got a dozen delivery trucks that are days behind schedule I’ve got Distributors lighting up my phone like a Christmas phone I have a twinkly phone
For the holidays it’s incredibly festive you know I used to deliver the mail so I know a thing or two about getting around town mind if this Goose takes a gander well for starters you’ve got your downtown delivery scheduled for Wednesday morning but that’s when the street sweepers come around and hog the
Right lane you switch to the afternoon you’ll be done in half the time the street sweepers of course what about the other deliveries well no wonder your eastbound trucks are late that stretch of highway has been under construction for weeks that’s why all the mail trucks use the Count what a beautiful mind oh I didn’t see that movie I only go to Spider-Man’s that puts your last stop right across the r ever you got the toll bridge in the way but nine times out of 10 the bridge guys watching Tik toks you just drive around you don’t know
Brilliant absolutely brilliant what’s your name Cleveland Brown Sir Mr Brown this operation could certainly use a man with your expertise how would you like a job here at the pocket Brewery really all right excellent you start tomorrow hey way to go Cleveland thanks Peter tonight me and Donna are going to celebrate r
And which Teddy Pendergrass song was playing turn out the lights sir ma’am you’re both lucky to be Alive all right working with my best friend this is going to be sweet just a heads up I chew ice all day long and my computer goes Bonk every 3 seconds I hope that doesn’t bother you that’s the Bonk yeah uh you you think you could keep the noise down
Peter it is my first day after all and I want to get some work done tell you what you can do all the work you want right after we take turns telling scary work stories it was a night just like this and when the moon is full if you close
Your eyes you can still hear her voice will you sponsor me for my 5K dang it Peter this is work not a sleepover now would you please get out of here my 10:00 meeting is about to start you’re meeting but I thought we were going to work together yeah well I
Thought I’d tackled this one on my own but maybe you can get us some coffee touch base CC Circle back put a pen in it but that’s Monday’s Problem wait a minute these shipment should have gone out already hey Peter all these trucks were supposed to be on the road hours ago did you make any changes to my schedule no oh you know what yeah I added a new rule for safety the guys were slapping the back of the
Truck two times when it was all loaded up but then Smitty got his foot run over so now I told him to do 200 slaps just to be safe how many was that uh 35 40 I can’t tell we got like six other slappers going Griffin what’s going on all of our
Weekly shipments are late again Mr Lloyd I think we can get back on track if we just optimize our loadouts see back in my mailman days we would pre- sort our deliveries by destination if we bundle the inventory by invoice rather than by product type it’ll expedite the delivery
Out on the road my goodness why haven’t we been doing that all along Cleveland you’ve proven yourself invaluable to this organization I’m hereby promoting you to Vice executive managing director in charge of lengthy titles wow thank you sir hey good for you Cleveland good for all of us good for this department
And as for you Griffin I need you to clear your things out of your office Cleveland is going to need more room to perform his managerial duties who whoa whoa wait a minute you’re kicking me out of my own office you’re not uh you’re not replacing me are you oh no we’re
Just doing a little restructuring besides you won’t need an office for your new assignment I’m putting you in charge of kitchen banter what you got there little jet fuel little Java little Jitter juice I’ll take a top off if you don’t mind yeah don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Right hey how come you were only pregnant for 4 months Griffin sorry it’s my first day look I know this is awkward celebrating Cleveland getting promoted over you so we don’t have to stay long if you don’t want it’s one night I’ll be fine wait Peter where’s the bottle of wine I told
You to bring Cleveland makes more money than me now Lois that means we’re sneaking groceries out of this party not bringing them in can you fit ketchup in that purse we’re all out damn it we can’t show up to a dinner party without a $14 empty gesture it’s improper we
Need to give them something fine here we brought these oh what it’s it’s nothing I guess I just miss being the one handing out the mail I’m sorry they’re lovely that lands and Lady pants catalog had quite a bloom this year then I said ain’t that the punch line to an
Anecdote so what does this promotion mean are you Peter’s boss now we’re all on the same team ah that means yes hey Cleveland how about a quick speech for our guest spe spe or maybe just cover it in a group text later all right all right
Settle down I’d like to thank y’all for coming tonight to celebrate my new job at the brewery it ain’t as good as delivering bills but it sure does pay the bills what a great speech he’s so important now do you think it’s okay I use the upstairs bathroom It was bad enough with Mr Lloyd thinking Cleveland’s better than me now it’s all our friends too oh stop feeling sorry for yourself you think I’m thrilled my husband got demoted Bonnie’s already rented one of those cars with a loudspeaker on top she’s telling everyone people of Spooner Street Lois’s
Husband got demoted they’re poor now repeat Lois’s family is now poorer use this as motivation think of how good it’ll feel to prove your friends and Mr Lloyd wrong now I’m going to take an incredibly quick lady dump prove I’m wrong huh done that’s exactly what I’ll do I bet
They won’t think Cleveland’s so great when I get him fired hey Dad how’s it going have fun at the Browns I couldn’t steal a ketchup they were eyes on me all night son of a there he is he didn’t get the ketchup damn it hey these chicken nuggies are bone
Dry what did he say about the ketchup What’s going on why’ everything stop hello I’m inspector Daniels from the health department that’s a backstage pass from a Muse concert huh I guess it is isn’t it I received an anonymous tip that there’s a rat nesting in the main beer tank I’m here to check it out
What’s this now well I sure hope not I’d lose my job if there was any filth of that nature going on Hm maybe I misheard the tipster your ears haven’t really been the same since I saw muse from basically as close as you’re allowed to get I’ll try him back ratatatat you’ve reached Peter to rat well I’m sorry someone wasted your time but as you can see everything here
Is up to code have a good day I found your rat in a tank during my Rams this morning why’d you do it Peter I’m sorry it’s just when you doing so well at the brewery I felt like a joke I knew I was never going to be a
Big shot here but I like playing my small part to help make this beer before you started that small part felt like enough Griffin I was just informed that you tried to sabotage this operation by putting Vermin in the beer tank this is the last straw Griffin you are fired
Fine I’m not good enough for this place anyway wait you can’t fire Peter sir and why is that because you need him sure companies need some people to work hard and go the extra mile but more than that they need guys like Peter regular guys
Who are happy to do a thankless job for a mediocre salary day in and day out so long as that day ends with a cold beer and a best friend to share it with if you fire Peter Griffin sir you fire your customer the beer lover Everman that
Makes up the hunched backbone of this country Cleveland you’re right Griffin here is perfectly mediocre and America runs on mediocre you know that’s the kind of insight I need coming from up top how’ you like to join me on the executive floor I appreciate the offer
Sir but I can’t accept in fact I’m officially turned her in my resignation and recommending Peter Griffin as my replacement there’s only one job I was born to do and I’m going to go get it back there’s the bird with my Laptop just come in thank you for seeing me sir I’m going to get right to it and say being a postman is who I am and I’m here to get my job back well that’s great but please sir let me finish with this rubber band I will sense the
Offending testicle so that it can never dangle nor sway where it does not belong here I go it’s done Cleveland we sent your reinstatement forms a week ago I never checked my own mail you know how p L Escobar never did cocaine he did a lot
Of cocaine oh then I fear I’ve made a terrible mistake turns out we couldn’t fire you without running it by the union head welcome back Cleveland thank you sir it’s good to be back and there goes my ball here’s your rubber band back you you can keep it
So Cleveland you happy to be deliver in mail again oh yeah yep sure is nice to have things back to normal say Cleveland how about you and me get a quick selfie to remember this crazy week Peter did you make another insensitive joke I need to prove you have a black friend again
I’m not going to say it was bad but I have to make you my profile picture it’s my only shot oh hang on there’s my Jewish friend Mort Goldman hey Mort what’s up pal quick selfie we now turn to the extended director’s cut of wily Wonka and the Chocolate
Factory Charlie don’t forget what happened to the boy who got everything he ever wanted what he lived happily ever after but he did have to earn it hint hint do it Charlie I’m not going back to that four-person bed hell I’ll do it if you want no it has to be a
Child what did he just say Brian this does not seem appropriate to watch in front of the baby not appropriate you took me to see Magic Mike XXL this one’s wet H this one too also wet huh this one’s dry but the back of
The seat in front of it is wet let’s put on something more child friendly time to two22 with the turtleneck oh God no these guys are horrible do you kazoo I often do when I am blue I do kazoo go my kazoo I will kazoo hey how about
You g all they’re doing is announcing that they play the kazoo and then asking if others also play the kazoo this doesn’t seem so bad I mean after all it’s a song for babies but that’s the thing baby songs Never tackle real baby issues you know like like loud noises or
Teing or when dad uses me as a lumbar pillow ow ow ow uh oh uh oh this thing works better in the car well how could they address baby issues children’s songs are written by adults and dollars to Donuts white adults I I who you mad at Brian G how
Much time you got not enough for that but you’re right if you want a song a baby Al like you’ve got to get a baby to write it well called John Mayer he’s a big fat baby now I’ll do it and you can help well I I did write a musical about
Alexander Hamilton not not that one but uh sure I’m in oo I’m excited this will be great and those guys back at the factory can suck it I’m going to get out of this place one day hey Butch get a load of Stewie he says he’s going to get out of
Here you don’t know me man I’m Different I got ideas hey Butch you hear that Stewie’s got ideas shut up I’m going to go across that River and make it to the city on the other side I’m going to be a singer bé over here says he’s going to
Be a singer hey bé I got a tune for you to sing It’s called get your ass back on the forklift lunch is over over hey Stewie don’t listen to those guys follow your heart shut up Butch you’re the loser of This Crew hey guys
You hear that Butch told me to follow my Heart dad can I have 50 bucks for a shamrock tattoo it’s time all right but make sure you get it where everyone can see hold on Peter if Chris wants money for something maybe it’s time he got a part-time job you he could moons or or
Babysits I can’t work I’m too young oh Will Smith’s little kid works as a movie star even though he looks like a wet baby horse all right I suppose I could get a job or maybe even my old job as the guy racing through an airport at the end of a romantic
Comedy taxi taxi hey are you crazy crazy for love the most amazing girl I’ve ever met leaves on a plane in 5 minutes get in I get knocked down I again I get KN I again what the hell’s going on This Guy’s in Love is she worth it she’s a
Once in a lifetime girl we’ll give you an escort he drinks a whiskey drink he drinks a drink he drinks a drink he drink a drink he sings songs that remind good times he sings the songs that remind him of the best times final Morning Call for flight to stuffy New
England college final boarding W wo wo wo W child what’s the hurry the love of my life that’s what we got a code Romeo repeat code Romeo If you get there on time there’s an extra 15 for you I love this job Ashley wait I wouldn’t miss this for all the
Rush hour fairs in Big Town Chris you came oh my God let me get my grandma Chris Ashley I love you oh you’re groaning at me you paid $19 to fly Spirit Air you get what you Get all right Brian I’ve written a few songs all about stuff babies actually care about no more rainbows and unicorns real baby issues right like heartworm and parvo no baby stuff oh oh human babies I didn’t I didn’t realize there was an agenda okay look just pay
Attention Mama Like to Party when you were in her belly drinking she did some Mama Liked to party when you were in her belly that’s why you are dumb I call that Mama Like to Party parentheses Chris’s song Stewie that’s good hey can I write one yeah we need as many many as
We can our first gig is Saturday it’s a birthday party wow already how’d you book a gig so fast easy I figured out the perfect way to get the word out to middle-aged moms musical entertainment available for parties musical entertainment available for parties hey where you drinking that
Shod oh hey Chris how’s your job hunt going terrible I can’t find a job anywhere a lot of people seem to be turned off by my dishonorable discharge what from the Army no it’s a euphemism oh yucky oh you guys I need help unloading the groceries my undiagnosed mom injury is flaring
Up these little things of applesauce better not be for desserts go to hell Glenn Quagmire I’m sorry but Mondays are Asian only why is your last name Wong it’s my married name now I see why you’re here jeez what was that about ah little scheduling mix up I am just so busy I
Don’t have any time to organize my own life wait a minute what if you had someone to help keep you organized Chris is looking for work maybe he can help you out be your assistant huh maybe do you have any references uh cowabanga swing yada yada yada those are pretty good references you’re
Hired look at that look at the cake happy birthday Charlie and Uncle Craig and Uncle Craig’s written in a different color oh poor Uncle Craig hey is that your ex-girlfriend Olivia God what’s she doing here she was always such a nightmare Olivia oh my god do I look
Okay I hate this shirt sweatshirts sweatshirts Stewie I thought that was you hey Olivia hey what brings you here oh the birthday boy and I met at Bert Reynolds acting camp in Jupiter Florida well I’m glad to hear you’re still acting you know the last time I saw you
You were burning in a cardboard house burning in a cardboard house yeah Hey listen I don’t know if you’ve heard but we’re the entertainment a that’s good good for you okay great to see you come on Stewie it’s not about her it’s about those six children watching and
The Spazzy kid who’s just waiting for the snakes bring out the [Applause] snakes it’s a hot crowd have fun out there I’m going to go feed everything in my van to each other okay kids if everyone’s done washing their hands from the snakes we have some fun music no
Climbing on the boat okay now please welcome red shirt blue shirt all right we’re red shirt blue shirt and here’s a song we call mommy and daddy’s room and we think it’s one you can all relate to when everybody’s gone to sleep and you’ve said good night Moon there’s
Plenty of noise still coming from Mommy and Daddy’s room Oh Daddy says please Mommy says no daddy says Come on Mommy says wo daddy goes uh mommy goes ow daddy says I’m done Mommy goes wow Daddy rolls over and falls asleep mommy drinks wine in the
Dark my god did you hear him Stewie we’re a hit we got to go out and celebrate oh he can’t go out with you tonight he’s got a date with me really awesome Brian I can’t go I’m not feeling well Stewie I’ve been standing here the
Whole time but you know you know what that’s fine I’ll just go have a dog style Celebration by myself yeah awesome time this is very fun for me hey oh hey this is fun right the best and me too great crowd babe what what is this oh Olivia’s president of our fan club
She’s also doing half the band do you even know what that means well let’s just say I couldn’t toddle right for a week okay you don’t all right if you’ll excuse me I have a poooo diaper you really think this Olivia thing is a good idea why wouldn’t it be I don’t
Know it just seems like it always ends badly for you two and it can be tricky working with an ex look at Kermit and Miss Piggy how are you feeling Miss Piggy I heard you called in sick yesterday yeah I had a frog in my throat right kerm right please stop
Drinking okay Chris I think you’re going to be a great assistant your paperwork appears to be in order but before we get started do you want a pair of rubber boots that you’d have to wear if you worked on a fishing boat uh no I don’t
Think so all right I guess it’ll be a light day today but tomorrow you should come wearing those okay got it now the first thing I need you to do every morning is punch me in the stomach because I’m a bad person is this a trick
It’s the furthest thing from a trick go ahead and it should be pretty hard I’m a worse person than you think okay that’s really good now I need you to call Time Warner about my cable bill all right this one is for all the mommies out there this is what we’re
Really saying when we’re crying please put some buttpaste on my button butt paste on my button smear it on my button for the Fire Down Below oh butt paste on my button butt paste on my button need it on my button cuz it cools and qus me
So stay away stay away from the big kid in the baby swing There’s a little metal box at the top of the stairs in the back of the closet and a tiny little key that’s hidden in the book in the drawer with the socks and I know how to use it to open up the box and that’s where the gun
Is you know I talk a lot of smack but at the end of the day these guys are Pros even broken arm coyote with washboard hey let’s keep this party Rolland I’ll go get us another badly scratched plastic picture of soda finally he’s doing something useful
What what do you mean nothing it’s just you write all the songs you’ve got a better voice you’ve got the sweet B oh my God babe plus you’ve got all the cool catchphrases like damn you all or what the dude or whatever Deuce but but yeah
You’re right I I do does it does it sound through the mic like I’m saying dude should it be dude meanwhile everyone thinks Brian is the star of the group who thinks that I don’t know I’m just saying after every show the fans are always petting Brian and not you no
One’s allowed to pet me it’s illegal I just hate to see Brian getting all the attention that you deserve you should really watch your back wow it’s hard to believe Brian would betray me I mean he was there for me when I hit rock bottom see Brian that’s a rock bottom
Thanks for being here for that now get out of here we’re about to drink some chardonay Chris could you please get Hannah a thank you basket and schedule her next appointment I’d like to see her again in two weeks of course Mr Quagmire can fit in you at 3:00 a week from
Thursday that works and you know to fast the night before yep and would you like to leave your panties in the Fishbowl for a chance to win a free lunch good luck when are you going to do that drawing anyway oh there’s no drawing I just like smelling the bowl you know
You’re doing a great job Chris what don’t you jerk the rest of the day off man this is the best job ever and to think I almost took that pop-up Restaurant Gig hi you Hungry check check Malia check Obama check check check Malia Obama all right that’s a creepy mic check let’s just do a quick run through of little brother I want a little brother on second thought I think i’ kill him dead could we just cut Brian’s mic his
Humming sounds like my table’s ready at Chili’s stee what the hell is your problem I’ll tell you what my problem is I’m doing all the work and you’re just riding my coattails what are you talking about I’m just as big a part of this group as you are oh really you’re
Writing about all your authentic baby experiences you asked me to do this with you why are you being such a dick because I lost the baby what was that I don’t know he saw that in a movie or something Brian this seems as good a time as any I think it’s
Time to talk about your future with the band are you serious you’re actually kicking me out of the band not at all in fact I think you and I should kick Stewie out and I’ll take his place what bring out the snake does he just come to all of our
Shows so you want to fire Stewie and be red shirt blue shirt with me absolutely you’re the whole reason the fans even like the band kids love dogs besides we’ve both seen what Stewie’s become an impossible Diva yeah but he’s my friend yeah well your friend has been talking
About kicking you out of the band wait what he has and I don’t know if you considered this but the clock is ticking on Stewie’s cuteness huh I guess you’re right I mean I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up looking like an exact mashup of Lois and Peter
Groceries hey I had a thought about our costumes for today’s show I could wear a shirt that’s both red and blue and you can do spin art with all the wussy kids who are afraid to go on rides yeah well how about this Stewie you’re fired Pon that’s right Olivia’s taking your place
In the band you are looking looking at the new red shirt blue shirt what the dude uh you know what Deuce was right come on Brian you and I should probably rehearse we’ve got a show in 20 minutes fine go ahead it’s not going to be the
Same like cheers wasn’t the same when they brought in kiry Aly no I’m I’m Rebecca M do you know how to use Microsoft Excel yeah I’m actually pretty good yeah you would DOR but I do need to make that spreadsheet or I’m fired oh my God Peter our dishwasher is
Full of sex toys oh yeah Chris put those in there it’s for his job he’s working for Quagmire now he’s washing sex toys for Quagmire not just that he also takes pictures of Quagmire’s genitals to track sore growth so brace yourself when you open I photo it’s on the Griffin family
Account P my parents have access to that what’s wrong with this worm and you knew about about this how could you let him do this disgusting stuff what you’re the one who wanted Chris to get a job yeah like mowing lawns or trimming bushes oh he’s doing one of
Those that’s it I’m calling Quagmire right now and putting an end to this you have reached Glenn Quagmire neither he nor his assistant is available to schedule a leaon press one to cancel a liaison press two if you’re calling to report a pregnancy please fill out our online form and we will
Mail you a check for $180 thank you and have a giggity day Chris this is your mother get these dildos out of the Dishwasher when everybody’s gone to sleep and you’ve said good night Moon there’s plenty of noise still coming from Mommy and Daddy’s room Oh Daddy says please Mommy says no daddy says come on mommy says wo daddy goes mommy goes ow daddy says I’m done Mommy goes wow Daddy rolls over and falls asleep
Mommy drinks in the dark thank you Cog that was great they loved us yeah I guess but did you see what I saw that kid with the cane yeah what do you think is wrong with him no Stewie was out there so so we’re singing a song he
Wrote this whole thing was his idea Brian don’t mess this up we’ve got a good thing going I I hate to tell you this but I’m afraid red shirt blue shirt is done I can’t do this I’m out I don’t care I don’t need you I can get a
Hundred dogs to fit that stupid blue shirt you’re a monster like Frankenstein when he became a loan officer so I’m looking for money to open a small business we plan to sell antique lamps M handmade blankets M and pitchforks Chris there you are we need to talk what are you walking a horse did Quagmire get a horse oh no here we go I want a horse Peter it’s not a horse Chris what the hell is that oh this is Mr Quagmire’s horse what is a horse it’s a
Sexual fetishist who derives erotic pleasure from dressing in horse themed leather gear want to see me feed him a carrot absolutely not hell yes Chris this is no job for a teenage boy you have to quit now I can’t quit I’m actually good at this job plus I’m
Making decent money you could work at the pharmacy quiet trisket oh hook me to the plow Chris I have $1,100 in a paint cam in the garage just take that and we’ll never speak of this again okay great now let’s all go home well that’s what I get for horsing
Around ah your joke wasn’t funny enough Stewie oh hello Brian I’m here to apologize and to let you know I quit the band you did yes it’s nothing without you you were the band those were your songs and I’m sorry if I let Olivia manipulate me I guess she manipulated
Both of us it’s just something about her flat chest and muscular legs look I never should have treated you the way I did I suppose I didn’t treat you so well either so what do you say can we we put this all behind us and go back to the
Way things were of course we can hey I wonder if she’s going to keep the band going probably she told me she was just going to replace me with another dog yes but who I don’t know probably some dog neither you or I have ever met all right listen up you little
Pieces of garbage this song’s about getting Hot ah Alexa what’s in the news this morning here is your morning briefing in Washington DC Congress has passed a measure to Alexa skip to celebrity birthdays Mario Lopez is 47 years old today no way someone should tell his face I know right seriously okay see you later Alexa
You’re my best friend and you’re you’re you’re awesome Lois best friends hey Mom my period started on the couch you wanted to have a family you wanted this life my shoes are on the roof get them move your arm close your hand okay push it through push almost done move your thumb move
Your thumb CL driver up Up why did you do this if they didn’t want us to put our foot down there they shouldn’t make it a perfect fit for a toilet shoe who’s they uh big toilet big toilet is that a thing sh welcome back to the stuff you should just spend the money on podcast today’s
Episode expressing your dog’s anal glands yeah you really don’t want to DIY on the anal glands just spend the money it can’t cost more than I don’t know 30 bucks $30 is 3 months of Netflix so don’t watch the crown for 3 months I like the crown what if I like the crown
Watch it all in one weekend if you don’t finish a Netflix series in the weekend that’s on you Lois can we just can we just kiss a little first you know what I I think it’s actually starting to clear up on its own whoa Black Betty bam a
Lamb hey Black Betty bam a lamb take a bite out of my ass you sack of dirt you made it morning Kyle Lisa Kyle H morning Lois what will it be this morning the usual you know it and with the morning I had better make it a lodge so the usual
How are the muffins this morning Lisa oh not the banana nut cuz I know you’re allergic to nuts that’s right I am good memory well it’s what makes you so unique hurry up you know I always thought that peanut allergies just went away when you became an adult you know like
Tonsils tonsils go away right I thought I read that what are tonsils anyway let me put in my card I got one with a chip on it it’s like we’re living in the Star Wars okay tip I’ll do cash good you heard me would you like to donate a cup
Of coffee to a soldier overseas yeah that seems like a good cause hey here’s your free cup of coffee from a lady in Rhode Island what excuse me are you in line for the bathroom no oh then move give me the Key so how was everybody’s day I made the football team congratulations throw up because I put cleaner in the Gatorade still pretty good you know the funniest thing happened to me today I go to this coffee shop every morning and they do this fun thing where every week they
Choose a customer of the week it’s just a silly thing which is why it’s so fun anyway I’ve never been picked which is fine the thing is oh boy yeah I’m friendly I always tip I almost never say anything when foreigners loudly Face Time and in general I’m a pretty good
Person right yeah I mean you show little patience for the handicap at times but yeah yeah know it just it just feels like it should probably be my time well maybe this will be your week oh you think so I I don’t know that that felt
Like the right thing to say so I said it I do impulsive things that’s how I ended up getting Rod Stewart’s hair morning love mind if I sing a tune into your vagina everybody if we could have your attention we’d like to announce this week’s customer of the week ah I’ve
Never seen them do it live this must be what it feels like to see Bruce this week’s customer of the week is [Applause] [Applause] Lester [Laughter] hey Bon Wednesday wisdom’s live is it good no it’s great you know what I think the problem is Joey I need to show them that I deserve to be customer of the week you don’t well they probably see a woman like me and think she’s got it all they
Don’t I know it’s a silly little award but I don’t ask for much you do and this is the one place the one place that makes me feel happy you aren’t yeah I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong I feel like I really Vibe with everyone
There you don’t I’m one of their best customers if I stopped showing up they’d probably wonder where I went they wouldn’t because I’m a nice person you’re not I tip in cash so and I can’t think of one reason why they wouldn’t pick me I can oh thanks for listening
Stewie I had no choice you know I’m going to show them that I deserve to win this award I need this just like I needed my own Gregor the mountain CLE gain next hi Gil um can I get pound of honey ham cut it thin oh excuse me I
Believe I was next step aside lady yeah hi kill can I try a piece of the pepper Turkey here you go anything else today yeah the coffee and you know what I’ll take that piece of artwork for sale on the wall really that’s my painting what is it you are very talented but how much do I owe you $600 $600 do you still want it of
Course it’s important to support local artists by spending a Year’s worth of coopay on a painting of A bridge a ladder and an apple a ladder and an apple what a theme can you split it on two debit cards I have a limit I can’t really ring it up on the register it has to be cash Perfect by the way I told you tell me what I told you nobody could tell I was drinking no one cares I care I do here take this start recording right before they say my name and hold it landscape not portrait this is an important moment not a a fast food
Worker fight wish it was a fast food worker fight what I wish it was a fast food worker fight welcome everybody this week’s customer of the week is Terry new customer wow this is so unexpected because I’m such a new customer Lois should I stop recording oh you got a
Text I clicked it y it’s Bonnie she’s responding to you yep about me y I’m reading the old texts yep I should stop yep but I can’t y you’re unhappy yep who’s Greg H there’s Greg all right on three everyone say their favorite Spider-Man all right 1 2
3 what are you kidding me it’s not even close be no movies in fact there’d be no superhero movies without Toby McGuire no way Garfield never got a chance is Affleck the best Batman no but he had the best Batman body he’ll be the first Spider-Man to win an Oscar just cuz it’s
An animation people think it’s not Legit I don’t get it wait Spider-Man he’s a guy with spider powers can I have one thing in my life is that too much to ask what is it do they hate me because astrologically I’m very compatible with Kyle H and Lisa I’m a Gemini and they’re both aquarius so we’re natural matches
Kyle is a Virgo which doesn’t match with Gemini but they’re supposed to at least care about people what am I missing you know Mom if you really want to get noticed you should save one of their lives what there was a kid at school who got a whole page in the yearbook
Dedicated to him because he saved a kid who had a peanut allergy peanut allergy I have a peanut allergy yeah this kid accidentally ate something with peanut peanuts in it and the other kid came over and Pulp Fiction him with an epip pen H I can’t even touch peanuts
That kid was a hero hero you flush it it scares me when it goes away yes hero I’ll be a hero and then they’ll have to make me customer of the week why is this story all about Mom this week what are we giving Seth’s voice arrest Okay I’ll just pour some of these plan’s peanuts into Lisa’s car the official peanut of poison in people with allergies what no she’s kidding come on look at me top hat gloves shoes no other clothes I’m a good guy okay now I wait for her to get in
Her car and start to have a reaction then I’ll swoop in and save her with this epip pen then I’ll be a lock to be customer of the week Stewie you okay back there having fun playing with Mommy’s phone yep I put the headphones up my nose but I made it
Work okay there she is she’s walking to her car she’s getting out her key she starting her car driving Away damn it I didn’t put enough peanut what’s in there oh shaving cream oh shaving cream oh shaving cream oh god oh shaving Cream mom why are we at the hospital to visit your Barista Chris I promise that if one of your Baristas ever gets into an accident I’ll go to the hospital too okay that’s all I wanted to hear I’ve got a lot of Baristas who make questionable choices hi you must be Lisa’s mother
How’s she doing did she say what happened no she’s mostly just said oh that’s not a good moan well apparently someone put peanuts in her car and she’s deathly allergic oh oh no here are flowers she took those from a guard rail Memorial do do they have any
Leads and who could have done it no good grief good grief is what Charlie Brown would say here peanuts probably a poor choice of reference but they’re going to check the parking lot surveillance tape to see who did surveillance tape good grief uh who are you again I’m a a very
Good customer oh my god I’ve got to go exit stage left that was a very sad door to run Into what the hell Lois put the phone down Kyle H so then I start hearing people say there are different levels of peanut allergies and I was like levels I mean when I hear allergy I think crash not throat closed car crash okay I I’m so
Glad that we could talk about this and that you understand how we got to where we are so are you going to let me go yes once I figure out this whole kafuffle oh why are you scared Kyle H this isn’t scary I’m a good person now
There are two ways we can go from here you can give me your absolute trust or I can get you hooked on Heroin heroin’s not bad not having heroin that’s what’s bad you you can trust me it’s just just what I have a cat someone needs to feed
Him now a bad person would say who cares here but since I am a good person I will take care of your cat now open your mouth I’m going to stuff my son’s baseball sock in it What the hell who are you oh hello um hi I’m Kyle H’s cats sitter he didn’t tell me he had roommates who could feed his cat for him wait why do you have his laser pointer in Heisenberg keychain yeah his keychain flare is how he expresses his quirkiness he must be in
Danger you can’t leave us like this lady yeah don’t say lady it makes me feel old and why is everyone acting like this it’s my fault if anything it’s KY H’s fault I’m a good person people are going to know we’re gone I promised my boyfriend that I’d you’re gay yeah you
Sound surprised I don’t know you just don’t present as gay oh so gay is present no no no that’s not what I’m woke okay is he your boyfriend no I’m not gay what but your roommates so so and that’s not weird I mean do you have
Your own bathrooms no but so you just walk around like there’s nothing potentially sexual yeah yeah I mean ever since he joined the gym he’s really turned his body around but that’s not what I’d be attracted to it’s more sticking to his commitment to get healthy that’s attractive oh thank you
Bro you’re welcome bro see this I don’t know I I guess I’m not woke okay fine you win with your gay stuff that’s what you want right to win here drink whatever you think a day’s worth of water is look what I was trying to say
Is that you can’t leave us like this because I promised my boyfriend that I’d make a meal for his grandmother’s meal train if I don’t drop it off they’re going to know something’s wrong what are you supposed to make beef wellington Beef Wellington for tonight yeah why is that hard yes if you’re
Starting at 2:00 p.m. Very Yes Lois have you seen the pooping iPad I can only go while watching Tiger King huh the iPad we use only while pooping and occasionally on flights for Stewie ew I play Elmo’s ABCs on that is that why I keep getting pink
Eye I don’t know where it is but it’s definitely not in the shed so don’t even look back there in the shed what you mean the earwig Fortress no thanks I haven’t been in here since I won the Battle of the wheelbarrow yeah too fast and too smart for you
Earwigs now to continue clearing the yard collecting moisture and sleeping in Wood hey Lois what ever happened to that customer of the week thing the the what the customer of the week at the coffee shop did you ever win why why would you bring that up what are you obsessed with
It uh you you had been talking about it oh so you can hear me when I say that but can’t hear me when I say get off the couch I like to be up by people may I be excused to bring this plate of moisture to the crawl
Space you for the record I would rather drink a sinus infection then win that stupid award it’s all rigged anyway did you know that Lester lived in the same building as Lisa how is that fair huh God what a boring thing to bring up a dinner Brian I’m going to the sun room
And that’s where I’ll be from 9: to 11:00 if anyone asks no one come check on me you guys want to play spin the bottle for finger stuff crank this night up a notch I’m in good evening I’m Tom Tucker in local news two roommates Ates were found bound
And gagged in their apartment this morning in what they’re calling the cats sitter Tire upper guys we need to get better name Comer upper [Applause] Withers [Applause] Okay Lois I’m just finishing the dishes I’m a good person Joe sometimes good people do bad things Lois you can finish the dishes then I got to take you in you can’t take her away Joe and you can put in one load of laundry then I got to take you
In after that you can write down the Wi-Fi login then I got to take you in where’s the peanut butter well Peter I think the main difference is Chinese people are from China and Japanese people are from Japan yes that’s probably why you were banned from the Restaurant Good morning ah what a Charming place this is oh look you do a customer of the week how cute I’ll take a Nitro cold brew and with the morning I’ve had better make it a large hey that’s funny yeah I know there you go and there you
Go oh you could have said Thank you don’t see a lot of $5 bills in there I must be a pretty good person to give a attention everyone mail call Meg teen people Chris Amazing Spider-Man Lois Redbook World War II Army guy a letter from your girl
Open that one up buddy all right at EAS at EAS dear Willie it’s been awful lonesome since you’ve been away hey you hear that fella she misses me you’re all wet hey check this out we got invited to a party Peter Griffin you and your family are cordially invited to a Galla
Dinner in your honor at Rocky Point Manor what what are they honoring you for who cares it says here is for the whole weekend and it’s free well who’s the invitation from I don’t know it doesn’t say well you going to go are you it’s clearly some kind of scam oh well
Then maybe we just go and you go to the kennel oh not the kennel last time you left me there for an hour or 10 years I don’t know there’s no clock there you’ll stink when you come out of There dad are we almost there yeah according to the map we’re pretty close ah Paya Look My God this is absolute beautiful I bet Jeff propes has a house like this Joe Peter the hell are you guys doing here well we got an invitation to a dinner in my honor I assumed it was for all those arrests I made last month that’s weird my invitation said it was
In my honor I assumed it was for being able to fart the alphabet which I almost did till I pooped on the S ah well everybody on the bus was upset long before that anyway what the Derek and Jillian wow hi Brian hey kiddo what you what are you guys doing here I
Got a card that says they’re throwing a dinner in my honer wait a minute what the hell’s going on here everybody got the same invitation oh hey uh didn’t think I’d see anyone I knew here this uh this is Stephanie hi everybody oh my gosh I never thought I’d meet Glenn’s friends
Yeah I figured why not you you know you we you and I see each other from time to time oh my God we like never see each other this guy you like disappear for a month and then you call me so silly oh you’re lucky I like you so much okay why
Don’t you go ahead and take the bags in wow it looks like the whole town got invited If you will all please follow me to third floor I show you to your rooms you are all expected for dinner at 8:00 oh good I’m starved settle down will You none of this makes any sense everyone got invitations from an anonymous source for a dinner in their honor when that’s clearly not the case now we’re here where the hell’s our host at least you all had evening wear provided for you I thought this was going to be a lawn
Party I don’t have one pair of long pants boy it’s kind of awkward seeing Jillian here with Derek wonder if she’s thinking about me I don’t know are you a pony or the color blue Derek look huh how do you like that good Heavens Meg you’re sprouting up
Like a weed I know she’s growing every day Meg you remember Dr Hartman of course she does I performed her very first pelvic exam unless I’m confusing you with someone else no that was that was You good evening everyone James what what thank you for joining me at my humble Manor I’d like to introduce you to my lovely companion Priscilla nice to meet you all who’s he James Woods Oh I thought he was a shark no he was on a show called Shark but he’s made of wood
No his last name is woods but he’s not made of wood nobody is this truly is a night to celebrate especially for me hey what’s going on here Woods the invitation said this was a dinner in my honor that’s what mine said too yeah me too mine too same here
Where’s the food well actually this dinner honors all of you where should I begin you see recently I’ve become a born- again Christian thanks to this beautiful little angel she came into my life as if out of nowhere Enchanted me beyond my wildest dreams and opened my
Eyes to the cleansing truth of Jesus Christ’s love no honey it was always within you I just helped you find it uh um what does all this gay stuff have to do with us well the fact of the matter is I have wronged each and every one of
You in some way and since I am a man of God now I am truly repentant so I invited you all here to make amends and why the hell should we trust you yeah you’ve been terrorizing our family for years I understand that there is some
Healing to do here tonight and I am prepared to be patient please won’t you just give me a chance and I promise you won’t be disappointed it now if you’ll excuse me I’ll just go check on dinner oh I’ll help you sweetheart this is all very strange I
Agree something’s not right I don’t know maybe we should give him a chance maybe he really is born again well he could be it all depends on what his astrological sign is shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up I’m very intuitive with these
Things maybe if I sit in his chair I can get a reading on his energy I mean if he’s an Aquarius a rebirth would not be unexpected that’s enough Stephanie you know it’s like when I did Glenn star chart did a did the cork hit [Applause] me my God she’s dead she’s been
Shot I can’t help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn’t heavy oh my God it was him it was James Woods he killed Stephanie jeez I knew he was crazy but I didn’t think he was a murderer oh he must have brought us here to kill us all run run for your
Lives quick we got to get out of Here come on get in the car [Applause] oh my God Peter back it up oh really Lois I thought I might drive forward I thought that that might be a fun thing to do stop Fighting oh my God quick Peter get in the back oh thank God we made it oh ow my neck you backed into me and and now oh and your back and my back my back yes oh all right it looks like we’re stuck here storm has flooded the causeway and
The the bridge is destroyed from the moment there’s no way out no way out great film sha young naked in the limo what are we going to do we can’t just stay here with James Woods lurking somewhere in the house all right does anyone have a cell
Phone I’m not getting any reception me neither no bars look he’s got a landline we can use oh no you know I wouldn’t feel right about that we’re guests and it’s long distance doesn’t matter the line’s dead oh my God’s whoa whoa whoa all right look everybody but Chris just keep your pants
On and let’s figure a way out of this he’s right we just got to stay calm with the killer in the house killer in the house hey guys has anybody seen James sweetheart you may want to sit down for this oh one little tiny tacos o little
Taco I’ll have one of those it’s him sorry it took so long I was going to the bathroom and I just couldn’t stop looking at my penis cuz it’s you know so fantastic you’re a Monster yeah I heard it’s fantastic you’re a monster James Woods you think you could just commit
Murder and get away with it Craig Meer loved that girl easy murder what are you talking about you’re going away for a long time pal Jimmy what does he mean look I honestly don’t know what’s going on here oh really well maybe that dead pile of cookie dough in the Next Room
Will refresh your memory what do you mean there’s nothing in the Next Room it’s gone where is she Woods what’ you do with the body what body you know maybe she wasn’t dead I’ll admit it I’m I’m not great with that stuff sometimes all right I don’t know what’s happening here but look I’m a lot of things a
Member of Mena a huge hit with the ladies someone who you know would have broken out bigger if he weren’t someone impossible to work with right but a murderer I only just found God why would I jeopardize my entrance into heaven if I were you I’d keep your mouth shut till
You talk to a lawyer I didn’t kill anybody oh my God is this what black people see all the Time look he’s dead oh my God nice nobody touched the knife there could be fingerprints on it so James Woods murdered Stephanie and then he murdered himself criss cross oh Peter don’t you see he didn’t kill himself and he didn’t kill Stephanie what are you saying I’m saying James Woods isn’t the
Murderer the murderer is one of us and someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet now I hope I die Next okay everyone it’s important that we all stay calm how are we supposed to stay calm there’s a killer in the room we all got to get out of here we’re all going to die Mr Mayor pull yourself together wait a minute Joe Look oh my God Stephanie was an accident that’s a way of putting it what do you mean Cho this gun was time to fire directly at that chair where James Woods would have been sitting but he left and Stephanie was in the wrong place at the wrong time so whoever the murderer is
They were after James Woods not Stephanie the question is who here wanted James Woods dead let’s look around and see if we can find any more clues Oh my God Brian I feel like everyone’s wondering why I’m wearing shorts nobody’s even looking at you that’s what I mean the fact that no one has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed Brian look what I found check it out I’m a robot from out
Of space hang on I’m coming down go go gadget SK uh-oh all right since it’s my fault that Joe got knocked out it is now my responsibility to take over the investigation I I don’t know if that actually follows oh it does follow Brian because I’m the one with the giant
Magnifying glass is my eye big yeah good good that means progress all right let’s let’s figure out what we know here the gun was clearly meant to kill James Woods but Stephanie got in the way so the murderer had to improvise and finish the job by stabbing him now who here had
A motive for wanting James Woods dead well according to James Woods we all did he brought us here to make amends with us but he wronged one of us enough to want revenge the question is who well I know one person who could have my partner Tom all right it’s true James Woods
Ruined my career I originally wanted to be an actor and I booked the lead role in Nightmare on Elm Street but James Woods said no don’t bother something else will come along so I turned it down and now this Robert England is The Talk of the Town That should be me everyone’s
Talking about was I angry yes of course but I didn’t kill him what about Sheamus you hated James Woods you told me so I he’s the one who made me what I am today I wish you were a real live ory Captain but he didn’t wish hard enough
It only worked on me head but I’m not the killer what about the mayor he could have killed him and got himself off scottf free he took the Twitter name Mayor West so now I have to use Mayor uncore West that ratface Cracker and what about Quagmire fine so he stole
Cheryl tees from me he ruined your TV pilot go to hell I backed out of that project willingly oh yeah that’s what every hack says you know Brian what about you uh my secret room’s bigger mine’s smaller all right stand back this could be Dangerous laundry room laundry room everybody oh see here we go Aha James Woods made a list of all his misdeeds so he could make a men Bonnie he punched you in the throat and that’s why you sound like that no he punched me in the throat because I sound like this what are all these God there are tons of
Oxycotton bottles in here all prescribed to James Woods and all from Goldman’s Pharmacy what’s that all about Goldman I don’t know what you’re talking about James Woods never bought anything in my Pharmacy ever yes he did says here he talked Muriel into selling him oxycoton for him and his 19-year-old girlfriend
This went on for weeks but then she started to have misgivings and threaten to cut him off but he wouldn’t let her he threatened to blackmail her by turning her into the fch sounds like a pretty good motive to me no no it’s not true I would never kill anybody never
And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer because why is he wearing shorts oh my God I told you Muriel Just Surrender quietly it’ll be easier for us all if You she’s Gone we lost her well as long as there’s a murderer on the loose none of us are safe all right let’s split up and search the house I’ll go with Lois Chris you check the basement with Herbert Meg you go with Brian and Stewie
Uh no she she can’t yeah uh she can’t we we we were going to use this time uh to figure out what to get you for your birthday oh ah okay yeah no you guys go you got oh oh now I’m excited um okay U
Meg you go with Carl sorry Carl Tom and Diane you’re a team Quagmire and Bonnie you’re a team um Sheamus and Dr Hartman that that could be funny don’t usually see the two of you together uh Derek and Jillian you guys take the attic Joe and Priscilla are still passed out so
They’ll be the unconscious team and that leaves one threepers team of Mt canuela and Mayor West all right let’s do this so uh you guys like to party no oh no oh my God what a couple of squares squaresville I tell You what are we supposed to be doing again we’re looking for muri Goldman honey hello is anybody up here hey maybe it was that cat who was the murderer let me ask him meow meow meow meow meow meow meow we don’t all talk like that I happen to be a
Professor our apologies sir I should imagine so now if you’ll excuse me I have papers to Correct Muriel oh yeah like she’s going to answer you Tom and here we go with the attitude this is why you’re single oh so I’m not supposed to point out when you do something stupid you hear that hear that tone you’re using that’s penis repellent right There careful she could be hiding behind any one of these statues Muriel this is Tom Tucker from the Channel 5 News perhaps you’d like an autograph oh for god sakes do you hear yourself there it is knock it off hey wait a minute doesn’t feel like there’s any wall Here what do you think’s in there I don’t know looks scary what do you think olly I miss olly I better take a look no I’ll go first do you see anything no it’s it’s too dark Tom Tom oh sweet a pool table let’s see if we can find some cues what is it it’s okay it’s just the stuffed bear from The Great Outdoors did you see the Great Outdoors no you suck hey I found the pool cues Meg looks like I’m all alone well hey
That’s all right I watch a lot of movies I can just use my imagination hi Carl hey bear so um in the Bear World are like pandas your version of interracial children yeah pandas aren’t something I agree with they’re cute though right just when they’re babies okay
Um uh Lost in Space yeah okay Um that’s Dick Van Dyk okay um okay I I I got one um I have no idea Linda Evans and John forze they’re coming down big long stairs come on Brian you know this come on bri right you you don’t know this Falcon Crest oh it’s Dynasty oh yeah I didn’t watch That oh my God oh my God Muriel my sweet Muriel she was so young she was so beauti she was so generous we were married look this is the same knife that killed James Woods oh my God then Muriel wasn’t the killer well then who is I don’t know but one
Thing’s for sure if we don’t find out before this storm lets up we’re all going to be dead by morning all right if we’re going to make it out alive we got to stick together from now on is everyone here wait a minute wait where’s mag and where’s Tom Tucker right
Here oh my God what happened I fell through a trap door that led to an underground passageway so I followed it and it led me to do a hatch over there in the Parlor the same thing happened to me but with a mustache hey Peter look at
This I’m getting a faint signal on my cell phone really oh my God is that are you holding up the whole Hollywood Sign no no no no the sign was way in the background I was standing in the foreground going like this when Jillian took the picture so by forced
Perspective it looks like I’m holding up the whole sign I don’t believe you I think you are a guard and I will die for you or kill others damn it the Signal’s gone if I can get up to the roof for something maybe I can get a stronger
Signal and call the police okay and I will skin this dog in your honor please don’t As You Wish do you really think it could work Derek there’s only one way to find out I’ll be back all right nobody leaves this room until he gets back wait a minute
Something’s not right here we’re short one vagina in this room oh my God Priscilla’s Gone that’s it’s impossible she was still past that on the couch when we left oh what the hell happened Joe you’re okay yeah I’m fine what’s going on what’s going on is Priscilla’s the murderer wait a second we don’t know that well she was by herself this whole
Time yes but she was unconscious she could have come too and killed Muriel this is all speculation we don’t know she’s the killer yeah besides she’s hot hot chicks are never crazy Derrick lifted up The Hollywood shine he did too I shot him picture don’t touch me Come on Yes hey what are you doing up here wait a minute what the hell is this oh my God it’s you the man or woman who’s been killing everybody stay back stay Back it came from from over there dear God he’s dead do you think he slipped off the roof maybe but he was dead before the fall look at this he’s been hitting the head by a blunt object oh my God no Derek oh chill I’m so sorry hey
Can you grab his phone I want to prove something to these guys it’s Priscilla I mean it’s got to be Priscilla she’s the only one who’s not here look maybe maybe not we thought Muriel was the Killer and look how that turned out we have no proof of anything
Is this the latest you’ve ever stayed up it’s the latest I’ve ever stayed up oh no someone take Mr wood Golden Globe she’s right there was a Golden Globe award here and it’s gone I think we may have identified our blunt object so all we have to do is find that Golden
Globe and we’ll have our murder weapon and if we’re lucky may just mean we’ll have our killer all right from this moment forward nobody leaves the group Joe’s right everyone huddle up good now we’re going to search the house and we’re going to move as one anyone who separates from the group we
Will assume to be the killer I’ll clear all right let’s do this all right we got to search every one of these rooms we’ll start with quagmires oh my God are those Stephanie’s Underpants oh God they’re huge looks like a crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth look it’s got flowers
I mean why Baba who’s going to see him maybe someone in space come on guys can’t we all just be glad she’s dead whose room is this it’s uh my room you travel with a giant poster of yourself yes it helps me get to sleep knowing that big Tom Tucker is keeping a
Watchful eye out for nocturnal Intruders what a ridiculous man you are look I didn’t know my room was going to be scrutinized if you don’t like it let’s get out of here not till we’ve searched the place you Guys oh my God well well I think we found our killer oh now well now wait a minute that’s not mine I suppose it crawled under your bed all by itself well maybe it did I didn’t murder anybody tell it to Mike Judge whoa whoa whoa whoa this is crazy what about Priscilla we have no
Idea where she is she could have planted that there well I suppose it’s possible what the hell God dang it I got a nose Blade no you don’t Peter give me a Boost you’re going to jail Tucker like hell I am you’re not taking me anywhere you Podunk Cog redneck cup not you or anyone else in this damn town I’m not going to jail after him Give it up Tucker make me Swanson damn he’s slippery you guys give up what do we do wait a minute wait a minute guys I got an idea shoot what if half of us go around one side of the table and the other half go around the other side and
Then we won’t have to chase them around in circles damn that’s awfully risky it sure is but at this point I’m willing to try anything all right let’s do it it worked let me go let me go you bastards you’re all going to pay for
This just for that when the movie of the story comes out I’m going to make sure Adrien Brody plays you I guess that means you don’t want anyone to see it okay all Right Thanks a lot for your help boys Lois are any of my hot wheels in the bath Lo Lois Lois Lois Lois are any of my hot wheels in the bathroom now I put them all in your bag okay well I don’t see the fire engine but I guess
We’ll just find out when we get home won’t we I’ll see you in the car hi Diane oh hi Lois how you doing yeah I just thought I’d make sure you were okay oh I’m managing it’s just so hard to believe you can work with someone for 15 years and yet have no
Idea who they really are or what they’re capable of oh I know and I’m sorry so what happens now will you just ank of the news by yourself I suppose for the time being well that’s kind of exciting right you sound like my mother she actually bought me this blouse for my
First solo broadcast I guess that’s sweet huh she I’m sorry I don’t understand what do you mean I mean how could she have known you’d be anchoring alone I I mean none of this happened until gosh I uh you know I think I better uh go make sure Peter has his uh fire
Engine oh really but I was enjoying our talk oh no I so was I but you know I really I should I should go no I don’t think so oh my God oh my God it was you you’re the killer very clever Lois you shouldn’t have stopped to say hi to me
You would have lived longer why do I ever try to be friends with other women but Diane why how could you do all these horrible things well I suppose it all really began a year ago when James Woods and I met at a press event and began seeing each
Other we both valued our privacy however so we agreed to keep it a secret from the media everything in my life was wonderful but then a few months ago I turned 40 it was hard for me to begin with but it got worse when not so coincidentally
Tom began pushing Channel 5 News to replace me with a fresh young face and he succeeded 3 weeks from now I’ll be off the air well apparently all men think the same way because around the same time James dumped me I watched my career and my love life
Crumble and I wasn’t going to just stand by and take it that’s when I had the Good Fortune to meet a Young News intern named Priscilla she was so anxious to get into the reporting business and would have done anything to get on my good side so I seized the moment I paid
Her off to seduce James Woods and reel him into a relationship like a fish on a line I knew a hot young young woman like Priscilla could manipulate him into doing anything I wanted at my direction she persuaded him to become a born- again Christian and instilled him with
The drive to bring together all the people he’ wronged that’s how this weekend came to pass of course Priscilla knew nothing of my real intentions but she played the part beautifully nonetheless there’s no way she could have known I plan to kill James Woods and frame Tom Tucker thereby destroying
The two people who cast me aside and ruined my life oh my God you’re 40 yes I’m 40 but then why did you kill the others it was all supposed to go so smoothly the hidden gun goes off kills James Woods and at the first opportunity
I retrieve the gun and plant it in Tom’s Bag James Woods is dead Tom goes to prison nice and easy but Stephanie got in the way she was in James chair at the wrong time and when I realized my mistake I had to improvise the power outage provided a perfect cover I
Grabbed the knife off the dinner table and stabbed him but as Joe pointed out there were fingerprints I couldn’t just leave it there so when Tom and I got separated in the gallery I went back into the dining room and got the knife but at that moment Priscilla regained Consciousness
After fainting she started to become hysterical I knew I couldn’t risk her revealing that I had engineered this whole Gathering so I killed her and I hit her in Tom’s room I tried to plant the knife in Tom’s suitcase but at that moment Muriel walked in and caught me in
The act it wasn’t her fault poor thing but she had to die I stabbed her and she screamed I had to leave the knife in her because I couldn’t very well hide it on my person with everyone quickly closing in so I wiped off the fingerprints and
Ran I slipped in with the rest of the group when they all converged on the scene I needed more time to finish my work framing Tom but that’s when d went out to the balcony I couldn’t let him contact the police before everything was
In place so I had to kill him too when Peter was yelling at everyone about that picture of Derek holding up the Hollywood sign I grabbed the Golden Globe and slept out I followed Derk outside and did what I had to do I barely had enough time to plant the
Golden Globe in Tom’s room and run back downstairs where I took advantage of the commotion and joined the crowd as they were all running outside and the rest well you did all the rest for me you turned on Tom exactly as I planned so there it is Lois my God but
Wait there’s one thing unaccounted for what happened to Stephanie’s body actually that’s the one thing I don’t know damn it well now you know everything Lois which of course means I have to kill you you oh was you coming I can’t play my tapes without the key well actually Lois
And I were just about to go for a quick walk weren’t we Lois we’ve been getting better acquainted all right well just give me the key please all right Peter I’ll get it don’t put a gun in my back I’m not I’m just asking for the key give
Me the key Peter we’ve been married 20 years please recognize what I’m acting out of the ordinary because I’m in danger here you go here’s the key Pete why is she calling me Pete we’ve been married 14 years she never called me Pete why am I trying to figure this out
When I could be listening to my tape should a care bye shall We Well it’s a shame that you have to die Lois but look on the bright side you’ll be a story on the 6:00 news you know unless a local cat does something funny Diane please please don’t do this I won’t tell anybody I swear to God that’s right you won’t goodbye Lois hello is anyone there whoever you are thank you anybody’s going to take that down it’s going to be Me forign speech spee for Saye speech spee can you say be hi m tell me foreign speech for for for for for for yes fore spee for for spe for
1 Comment
these clips are poor quality clips im reporting tut tut