Worth – The Allen Miller story

A Sirius XM Golf Original. The Allen Miller Story will teach you about worth, will, resilience, work ethic, and love.
We want to thank Dominic Dastoli and PGA TOUR Sirius Radio for believing this story is serious enough to share. If you would like to reach out to Allen or would like more resources, please go to https://allenmillergolf.com/worth

this is a serus XM golf original it’s rare that you interview someone who wants to tell you about the worst moment in their life in 1999 Mark Heyman wrote a profile about Alan Miller in Sports Illustrated it’s been years since I’ve read the story I went back and read it recently and there was one paragraph that that really brought it all back to me I’d like to read part of it to you alone in the small spare bedroom Miller placed a plastic bag over his head and waited to lose Consciousness all that happened was my face got sweaty he says next he calmly removed the light bulb from a lamp and prepared to stick his finger into the life socket if that didn’t kill him Miller says he planed to throw the radio plugged in into the bathtub jump in in and get it over with real quick it’s often said that people with substance abuse problems have to hit rock bottom before they can pull their lives together and I think that partly explains what happened to to Allan you really had to lose everything in order to realize that there was a way [Music] back I’ve been to Bob Hope house for dinner and I’ve taken food off trays in hotel hallways of people that didn’t eat all their food cuz I didn’t have any money so I mean I’ve gone from both ends once you hit rock bottom there’s no way else put up this is worth the Alan Miller Story I’m David [Music] Maher on a crisp December morning in Upstate New York Alan Miller is looking through a trove of memorabilia from his life in golf is in the basement in a box a plaque from the 1971 Walker cup I didn’t realize I still had I even had this a watch he received from his only PGA Tour victory in those days in 1975 that was a nice watch a pair of Crystal goblets from The 1975 Masters never used them just look at them for Miller the experiences Behind These Memories have given him wisdom to pass on to his own students and to help him understand his own Journey if you’re not going to play golf why are you playing that was part of what brought me down to a point that we talk about later Miller grew up in Pensacola Florida and lived across the street from a tennis facility he showed enough promise to win the 11 and under City title but the course of his life changed dramatically one fateful day while he practiced with an instructor pop Turner and he used to hit volleys with me over there but he also would go after he play hit tennis balls he’d go over in the park and hit some golf balls and I’d kind of walk over with pop and and he’d say here take the club and try to hit it a few times and he gave me some golf balls and I brought him home and my dad said well you you want to try this he said I said yeah I’d like to try it Miller’s dad a prominent urologist enrolled his son in a junior Clinic held at a public golf course and taught by head professional Gordy Glenn’s everybody hit a few shots and Gordy went over and told my dad he said your kids got a lot of natural ability why don’t you bring him in and start get him some private lessons so I started taking private lessons from Gordy as Miller’s game progressed he developed a friendship with Downing gray who finished second in the 1962 US amateur and played in the masters seven times I adopted him if you will on the golf course and that involved you know getting in him into the tournaments that help his growth and introduce him to some of the other up upper players and just you know anything I could do to help him that’s all he was giving me his wisdom took me under his wing and made sure that I knew what to do not only who to meet but knew what to do and guide me along through Amer golf he proved that he was well worth the effort he rose right up to the top of the list in high school won the state individual title at age 16 he set his sights on an even loftier goal to play on the PGA tour Miller’s ambition carried a heavy burden the weight of his father’s expectations it had always been that way my dad was a doctor and he was a perfectionist which I I’m a perfectionist also but he he was Hardcore that you can’t make mistakes cuz doctors can’t make mistakes you make a mistake in the surgery you’re going to kill somebody I’ll never forget as a kid he said one I said one day he was trying to help me with something I said Well everybody’s entitled to make a mistake he said but you’re not so that kind of etched in my memory as I went along in life Miller like any young boy wanted desperately to please his father consequently his self-worth became almost entirely dependent on what he shot everything you do you got to perform you got to perform why why are you messing up you can’t do that you should be playing better what’s wrong with you what’s wrong with you what’s wrong with you and it got to the point where it self- internalized something must be wrong with me but for him he didn’t mean anything about it but I took it the wrong way not knowing it and it just ate at me Downing gray witnessed the tension between Miller and his father he was almost like he was inside of Allan he just was totally involved with his game and how he grew it he was get this do this do this do this do this just do it get it done it takes time you got to work at it Allan and I discussed it the two of us I didn’t think it was my my place to talk down his father I think it was more to tell him just to bite his lip and go ahead and then live through it maybe things would change as he as he went down to Road in the fall of 1967 Miller enrolled in the University of Georgia miles away from home he still couldn’t escape the reach of his father’s influence my dad was big into fraternity he wanted to be a fraternity B so I went to Georgia and I went through the quotequote rush system not because I wanted to because he wanted me to and I got turned down by every fraternity to be probably because I’m shy and you know whatever okay I wasn’t a party party animal and I got turned down and I’ll never going back to the dorm and I started crying what what’s wrong with me what’s wrong with me why don’t they want me I got determined at that point well I’m just going to be a Gamma Delta outo means a GD independent I’m not going to be in the fraternity but I’m going to be the show you guys that I don’t need you to be able to be successful in college Miller became the number one player on Georgia’s golf team each of the next three years in 1968 he was named All America and finished eighth in the US amateur which earned him an invitation to the Masters to that point Miller played a roundhouse hook a notoriously unreliable shot particularly Under Pressure which forced him to confront an uncomfortable truth well I knew I couldn’t get any better hitting that big roundhouse hook and live in a constant fear and if I knew if I said to my if I have to play fearful golf the rest of my life I’m going to quit cuz this is ridiculous I’m not going to go through life fearful of everything I do Miller decided to rebuild his swing three instructors came to mind Byron Nelson who once won 18 tournaments in a single season including 11 in a row Claude Harmon the 1948 Masters champion and Bob tusy who led the PGA Tour money list in 1954 Miller’s father ever eag eager to exert his influence called the three men first two I people he called both of them said well you know I’m very busy here I’m got other things in my doing other things I finally got to the third one which is Bob tasy and he called Bob tasy and they gave him the same line I’m very busy I can’t I can’t help you my dad said wait a minute wait a minute I just called two named teachers that are great players my son want us to get be able to work with and both of them just gave me the same line you’re giving me right now he said well tell me a little more about your son he said well he’s going to play on the Masters in 6 months what get him on the next plane down [Music] here 3 Days Later Miller flew to Miami to see tusy and Bob tusy met me on the driving range at 8:00 the next morning and it was just me and Bob tsy and I had taken some movies with me because in those days we didn’t have videotapes I took some movies that I had in my swing I said would you like to see me something nope let’s just get out here and hit C balls I watch you hit five balls and I don’t know what you need to do so I walked out of the range I hit five balls he looks at me he says well Allan you got good hand eye coordination you got good Rhythm let’s get to work from that moment on for the next two days I changed my entire golf swing and I went from hitting a roundhouse hook to hitting it straight or a slight fade left to right more than half a century later the 97-year-old Bob Ki can still recall that lesson there’s always some doubt when a player comes to a teacher about making change because we are creatures to have it Alan was a wonderful student good listener and uh he finally understood what I was trying to get him to get across was and he had very few things to try to improve on the last thing he told me is I got he got ready to take me to the airport he said Alan you’re going to go back to University of Georgia you’ve totally changed your swing in two days all these guys on your team and people you’re around up there are going to say let’s go play and you’re going to have to say to them no I’m going to go to the range I want you to hit all the balls you can hit every day because if you go back and you play every day when you go back and don’t stay on the Range enough you’re going to go right back to doing what you did before you got here cuz your muscles haven’t had time to develop any muscle memory he said that’s going to be tough because you’re going to get back there going say would you just AR range rat all you do is hit balls anymore you don’t even play golf anymore he said Allan I want you to remember one thing their dream is not as big as your dream your dream is to go from here today be a top am and get on the PGA tour their dream is just to be on the golf team and go to the parties at the fraternity house okay your dreams a lot bigger and if you do that Allan I promise you you will become a great ball [Music] Striker Miller didn’t stray from tusk’s advice Danny Yates Miller’s former team teammate at Georgia witnessed his devotion Allan was a little more disciplined than the rest of us he was focused on golf he wasn’t a goody goody or nerd but he he worked hard at it and some of us were more worried about partying and girls and stuff which obviously showed up in our play but I remember something he used to always say you got to build a swing that works when it works and works when it doesn’t work and that kind of was a puzzle to me although Miller Missed The cut at the 1969 Masters he established himself as one of the Premier amateurs in the country over the next two years Joe enman a three-time NCAA All-America competed against Miller at Wake Forest well he beat my a lot I lost to him in the finals of the transmiss I finished second to him at the Dogwood what a talent magnificent Miller won the prestigious trans Mississippi three years in a row in 1970 he won the Canadian amateur by 10 shots and it’s the only National Championship quote quote that I ever won but that particular year I won like five or six major Amer tournaments in that that 70s season and that’s when Lany Watkins and I were co- number one amateurs in America Miller punctuated his amateur career in the 1969 Walker cup I was sitting on the 17th te and Billy Joe Patton who almost won the Masters in am he was our captain he came up to me he grabbed my leg he had a big claw grip he grabbed my leg said Miller we got to have this point the whole Walker Cup match may very well ride on it and then I got got up and down I bailed it to the little bit to the right on 17 which is a par three and then I got up and down to the from the right of the green on 18 but it was like oh my God C it’s in my hands and I was able to pull it off and Alan Miller wins on the last Ren by one hole United States lead 97 in the fall of 1971 Miller earned his PGA Tour card at the annual qualifying school in Florida on the strength of the lowest score of the 108 hole tournament a 67 in the fifth round and put me in like third or fourth place it didn’t matter if I finished 15th or second it didn’t matter it didn’t do you any more good so I just the last round was freelance I don’t sh two or three or four or five I don’t even know could have shot 86 and still got my card and that’s all that mattered in those days the class of rookies included future Hall of Fame members Tom Watson Lenny Watkins and David Graham we all went through the school together so historically it’s been called the greatest school ever after the tournament Miller celebrated with a friend at a hotel in Palm Beach had a couple pops came back and that was about it we didn’t have time I left from there and went to a tournament in Savannah Georgia right after that Miller had realized his childhood dream it would soon become a nightmare before I get in before it starts before I begin how long before you decide before I know what it feels like where to where do I go if you never try then you’ll never know how long do I have to climb up on the side of this mountain of mine [Music] [Applause] this is worth the Alan Miller Story I’m David Maher after a heralded amateur career Alan Miller began his rookie season on the P tour in January of 1972 many considered him to be a can’t miss star fellow rookie Lanny Watkins who competed against Miller in college believed his game was tailor made for the tour nobody has more respect for his playing ability than I did cuz I saw it up close personal he could go he drove it straight he had enough length he was a beautiful iron player worked the ball both ways and was a very good putter wasn’t afraid to win very competitive but Miller didn’t feel that way as a boy he looked up to Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicholas now he struggled to see them simply as peers having idolized them it’s kind of like walking in a room of presidents or whatever and you go oh my God how do you ever get here do I belong here or whatever naturally Miller began to Tinker with his game I just made some adjustments that I shouldn’t have made with a dream of hitting it further and I shouldn’t have done that eventually Miller went back to his old swing but his confidence had been frayed even further in his first five seasons on tour he never finished higher than 63rd on the money list twice he finished 99th which inspired his caddy to give him a playful but derisive nickname Black 99 he said Miller you’re always 99th on the money list you’re just nice about as good as you can get and that was his joke but again some days that you know you don’t know what it takes when you’re sleeping he kept saying 9 why am I 99 Only 99th he met in a fun way and I love him to death but why why are they saying that you know it’s that’s belittling to some degree Miller’s play prompted a familiar refrain from his father why aren’t you winning why aren’t you winning why aren’t you winning why aren’t you play better well I’m trying to play better so what’s calling you back what was the urge to try to satisfy somebody more than anything else Miller’s urge to please others especially his father had been cultivated from an early age consequently his self-worth was directly tied to what he shot each round week after week there was more than just a paycheck writing on Miller’s performance the burden became too much to bear he turned to alcohol to dull the pain if you feel self belittled for the day you didn’t do as well as you want to uh what are you going to do about it well you try to kill the pain you have to think about it but I didn’t drink all day long every day it was just to kill the pain later in the evening to be able to survive to go out and do it again the next day not drink again to go out and play or whatever to go out and amongst a crowd that I wasn’t comfortable with alcohol also served a purpose for Miller socially Mark Heyman documented his struggles in a profile for Sports Illustrated now Allan’s a very quiet person a very humble person in social situations he’s not always the most comfortable that’s what he told me alcohol was something that helped him deal with that because you had to be you out amongst people you were having to go to proam parties if you have to do something you don’t want to do what are you going to do you’re going to either avoid it or you’re going to get courage to do it and if you don’t get it would you might drug up to do it Joe enman competed against Miller on tour he’s a thinker and he just doesn’t project into groups and he just kind of stays by himself it’s like I know I can hit the shot you want to watch me you’re welcome to come over here I’ll be by myself on the Range I always went to the opposite end of all all the players I’d rather be alone I can take my clothes off in Time Square totally sober I don’t need to be drunk I don’t feel social stress Allan felt social stress he was just more of an introvert and to get into social situations he he just felt like he had to drink early in 1974 Miller Missed The Cut in six out of nine tournaments but he believed that he had rediscovered the swing he had built with Bob tusy and was on the verge of a breakthrough before the first round of the Tallahassee open he expressed his confidence to a local reporter I had a rapport with him cuz I’d known him for junior golf cuz he’s from a small town near Tallahassee and he said who think could win this week and I said me cuz I’m playing good I’m hitting good well but you haven’t done anything lately I said it doesn’t matter you hit it good and you Putt and you make some putts you anybody can win Miller held the outright lead through each of the first three rounds but on the final day the outcome was in doubt as he prepared to play his third shot on the par five 17th hole shortsighted from a Sandy lie with out of bounds beyond the green Miller went for broke if I didn’t look at it as a RIS I said I got to try this I got to hit this shot if I don’t pull it off so what not going to win anyway but if I do pull it off I can win I didn’t look at it as a risk I said I’m really good at this shot with no margin for error Miller’s flop shot landed on the edge of the green and settled within six Ines of the hole the shot was later featured in a book titled golf’s greatest shots by the world’s greatest players his tap in birdie proved to be the difference after years of thinking like a quote non- winner and feeling like he didn’t belong Miller captured his first and only PGA Tour title it was like okay everybody wanted me to win well I finally got it done I finally did it you can’t miss it finally didn’t miss Miller described the experience in an article he wrote for Golf World magazine how does it feel how did those guys feel when they came back from the Moon he wrote it’s a hell of a feeling it’s like the whole world is off my back almost the whole world when I won the tournament obviously I’m excited I call home four hours away and I say I got it I got it I did it and the first thing that came good job the first second thing came out of my Dad’s mouth was now show him you can do it again well that was about as degrading as comment at that moment I could have gotten now show them you can do it again not congratulations we’re proud of you good job now show them you can do it again like that’s win is not good enough got to do a little even better than that and that became a big issue internally that I didn’t even was aware of at the moment but it became part of the issue later well you’re not good enough whatever Miller’s Victory earned him an invitation to the 1975 Masters Thursday day one bright briskin promising to become Breezy it was a dream week he opened with 68 and trailed by one at the end of the first round Nicholls leads Alan Miller and Jack Nicholas by a shot in the second round he was paired with seven-time major Champion Sam Sneed on Sunday he eagled the 14th hole to earn a pair of Crystal goblets as Miller plucked his ball out of the ho CBS broadcaster Jack Whitaker stood up in his Tower and applauded life was good and it got better in 1977 when he met Cindy Kesler a freshman on the University of Miami golf team every Friday the men’s and women’s golf team at the University of Miami we would have Skins game at the Belmore and Friday night we would go to the rat and this guy was at the bar and he had $100 bills and people from Buffalo are really good at drinking and I’m not an idiot so the guy with the $100 bills was soon my best friend right he said My Buddy Alan Miller’s coming to play at Durell and I’m going to caddy for him and I’ll get you a free ticket so I took the free ticket and I went to watch Alan Miller play golf never forget I walking up the 10th Fairway the and I see this girl walking up she’s kind of cute but that’s you know I’m playing the tour and I’m busy right now and I specifically remember you know the blue monster him playing number 10 and dog leg left around the corner and watching this guy swing thinking to myself does anyone swing that smooth holy cow but she followed me around and then after that I said you want me to help you with the game a little bit and you know that southern draw he said you want some help with with your swing so afterwards I’m like yeah of course I do and he gave me a lesson on the Range and as Alan was helping me I remember Ben kensaw walking by and going oh alen who you helping you know kind of teasing him and every year I’d go back to D she’d come out and watch when we go out to dinner we’d always go over to monero’s restaurant steakhouse and have dinner and we became golf buddies became golf buddies and that parl in their friendship and the way he treated me when he tried to help me when we were just buddies it was so nice that I respected him plus he knew how to hit the ball like a he was like an artist so you respected his knowledge and that just drew you to him like Miller Kesler dreamed of competing against the best players in the world from an early age in college she led Miami to back-to-back national championships and in 1979 she earned her LPGA Tour card while she and Miller crisscross the country they never really dated Kesler said I mean there was no internet there were no cell phones I would read golf world to see how he did and he would read golf world to see how I did and once in a while I’d call his his house and ask his mom where he was you know it was just weird in the spring of 1981 after Kesler missed the cut in an LPGA event she flew overnight to caddy F Miller in the Greensboro open as they sat in a friend’s condo before the tournament began Kesler cornered Miller we had talked would you ever get married yeah and I said well what the heck are we ever going to get married and he goes why do you want to get married I go well yeah let’s get married or something like that but basically it was me because he’s so shy and quiet I thought this guy’s never going to ask me to get married I got to do everything here I said means you want to get married she said yeah I said okay let’s get married you know it was just that quick and funny thing was that was April Fool’s Day coming up so we told everybody we’re going get married on April Fool’s Day and we announced at the golf world in The Press Room at the Greensboro Open Golf World published a photo of the happy couple during the tournament with Miller’s left arm warmly wrapped around kesler’s shoulder while she dutifully held the flag stick there they stood side by side not an inch between them their eyes were fixed on a little white ball in the distance towards a future they couldn’t possibly fathom sparked by a connection they couldn’t possibly deny I knew how good he was and and how smart he was and he knew how bad I wanted to be good I’m tearing up and I think it was both of us the burn the internal burn and our love for the game and believing in each other I think that’s what it was Kesler and Miller were opposites in seemingly every way and in one important way she believed in him more than he believed in himself and she supported him in a way that his father never would my father told me I could do anything he believed in me more than anybody whereas alen’s father I don’t think alen was ever good enough that’s probably why we like each other Miller’s close friend an agent sensed this essential element and delivered a faithful message to Kesler before she married Miller you’re going to save this guy’s life I was like what he goes yeah you’re going to save this guy’s life because I so much believed in him and I knew he was just sad when you try your best but you don’t [Music] succeed when you get what you want but not what you need when you feel so tired but you can’t [Music] sleep stuck in [Music] Riv this is worth the Alan Miller Story I’m David Mah by 1983 Alan Miller had played on the PGA tour for 12 years he was by his own estimation in the 1110th of 110 10th of 1% of all golfers in the world but he didn’t consider himself a success instead his self-worth was based on the expectations heaped on him by his father at an early age all the years of you know it’s not good enough you can’t make a mistake how come you aren’t winning why’d you play so bad all that kind of stuff just builds up it became debilitating especially when it mattered most it was a third round that was always a problem why because now you got a chance to try to win prove that you good enough and what’ you do you screwed up CBS Sports presents the 1983 Dural Eastern open in the 1983 Dural Eastern open Miller opened with rounds of 7065 to take the 36 hole lead I spent a long time since I’ve led a golf tournament and I was just tickled to actually to make the cut for change cuz I had made a cut this year a victory could have renewed his career but the night before the third round Miller’s wife said he quote got bombed at dinner I was horrified I was horrified that night this is like a blessing we’re finally leading a tournament would you sit there and get drunk and he got so drunk he couldn’t walk well again that’s a nighttime thing just a big deal but I that that’s I found the next morning they may think you weren’t but I know I was Alan Miller about 200 yd away ooh that hit some lady I’m sure it did the next day Miller shot 73 and fell out of contention and to be honest with you I can’t believe he shot 73 I would have shot 90 73 was pretty freaking good for his hammers as he was after Cindy lost her LPGA Tour card in 1981 she devoted herself to Allen’s game Alan Miller a self-confessed worst putter on the tour has revamped his style with help from his wife Cindy she believed that they were working together to play for opportunities like the one he had at Dural that faithful Friday night told her otherwise when he got hammered that night that to me signified he really doesn’t want to be in the Limelight he was trying to do something probably that he didn’t want to do and I believe that night he was scared to death Miller says he drank that night to kill the pain but he didn’t know why the pain was there that’s what I had to find out he didn’t know how to though at least not yet in 1985 Miller lost his card in his final event he asked the tournament volunteers to post a message on the manual scoreboard Thanks for the Memories not give me a job that was the scary part what are you going to do next half-heartedly Miller went to PGA Tour qualifying school that fall I just did it cuz I needed to I didn’t want anybody say he gave up again what are other people going to think but I knew I was going to make it and didn’t care he said I’m tired of this I don’t want to do this anymore I’m like okay what are we going to do he looked for work in Pensacola Florida where he lived with Cindy and their children he majored in insurance and he took an insurance he took an exam or some kind of an exam at an insurance company in Pensacola and they said you are not a Salesman we do not want you oh really yeah surprise surprise and the pro at Pensacola Country Club didn’t want him there either so it’s not like you got all kinds of arms open desperate Cindy contacted someone who owned an indoor driving range in Buffalo New York where she grew up and I said hey Alan’s not going to play anymore can we come up and teach Golf and he said sure Mark Heyman documented this transition in a profile for Sports Illustrated that was a low point for him I mean you can imagine going from you know thinking that you’re going to win a master’s in your career to teaching at a range in Buffalo New York half the people don’t know who he is nor do they care so we go from having dinner at Bob Hope’s house to teaching golf at a public driving range in Buffalo New York starting every year at zero and nobody caring who we are then they start questioning what you’re teaching because well I that’s not what I heard this guy say I heard that on TV and this guy said to do that and they’re telling me something different go ahead I don’t care when’s the last time you played in the MS oh and in my day the lowest rung on this ladder in golf was a teaching pro at a driving range that was as low as you could go we went to the driving ranges one the people who couldn’t afford to go PL off at the public course or the private country clubs it was a place for the low rents to hang out that’s part of what brought me down and which just goes back to the disappointment you’re not winning can’t make a mistake well if I play hadn’t made mistakes I would have won more if I had won more I wouldn’t be here in the first place all that stuff parlays over time Miller says he became even more depressed we’re teaching in a cement hole in the winter and I I know he’s drinking he’s sneaking drinking it’s not good and soon we have three kids to feed so we lived like that for probably 6 years 7 years it was hard and you know it’s hard to be to have a smile on your face all the time when sometimes you just want to crawl in a hole and die by The mid99s Miller’s three children were old enough to know that their dad had a problem his oldest child Kelly I was in gymnastics a friend of mine and all would also go so we our parents would swap who would take them there would be times when my dad would take us like he would take us and he would be fine and then he’d pick us up an hour later and he’d be acting all weird he he just acted completely different and it was like an hour thinking back on it wow did he just to totally go drink a lot his son Jamie I remember him like sneaking around right and you wouldn’t know what he’s doing I remember hiding in like the club repair area so I be why is he always going in there I got to see what he’s doing and he went in there and he would he there was a bottle hidden he went in and I remember seeing him you know drinking out of it and then hiding it again stashing it behind the stuff and I remember being like I don’t know what that is but that’s bad his youngest child Matt I remember being scared but not really understanding what was going on when it was really bad I was in elementary school I was third fourth fifth grade you know so that what I can remember I just didn’t understand I just knew that there was something wrong with it wasn’t the fact that he was drinking all the time I think he could only have like one or two drinks like he was allergic to it or something I mean it wasn’t like he was sitting there drinking you didn’t even know when he was drinking it was weird but you could tell because my parents were both alcoholics I mean once you’re a child of an alcoholic or you’re married to one you have you know radar warning warning warning I mean you know and it was just like oh God here we go again and I was like I can’t do this I just can’t do this I love you but go away go in February of 1996 Miller left his family and drove to his mother’s home in Florida his depression intensified you’re worthless he told himself he rarely left his bedroom I’m in a bedroom all by myself thinking about how bad things were what have I done and where am I at then on February 21st Miller decided he’d never come out Mark Heyman documented the events of that day in a profile for Sports Illustrated alone in the small spare bedroom Miller placed a plastic bag over his head and waited to lose Consciousness all that happened was my face got sweaty he says next he calmly removed the light bulb from a lamp and prepared to stick his finger into the life socket if that didn’t kill him Miller says he planned to throw the radio plugged in into the bathtub jump in and get it over with real quick but before Miller could put his finger in the socket his sister came into the room hours later he was admitted into a psychiatric hospital I think it was his sister said that we have Baker acted him and he’s in a mental hospital that he tried to take his own life you know I was afraid you know I don’t want him to kill himself I wanted him to go to a hospital and get better something’s got to give something’s got to get better doctors diagnosed Miller with depression he was prescribed medication and attended daily classes for a month that’s when I realized the situation is I had control I could control and if I didn’t have any eliminate the pain don’t have to drink or you don’t have to do anything drugs or whatever it might be whatever somebody’s problem is so as soon as I realized what was going on the pain went away the source of his pain Miller Learned was the expectations his father had placed on him as a young boy expectations that he internalized and weaponized against himself once I realized that if I forgave my dad for doing that kind of stuff which he had no intentions in doing I’m not to knock him cuz he learned to do it he was taught the same way and he was trying to do the best he could I just said I don’t have a reason to be depressed forgiveness for his father who had passed away years earlier and for himself allowed Miller to put down the pain that he had carried for so long but that realization wasn’t an instant cure in his battle with alcohol ISM and depression something his family discovered when he returned home he just didn’t seem right just depressed didn’t talk walk around like eggshells it was like you were waiting for him to do it again in may of 1996 Less Than 3 months after he attempted suicide on his son Matt’s birthday Miller relapsed the day before his son Jaime’s birthday there were presence in his car for my birthday we were going to have a party at the house and he left we don’t know where he is no idea I remember my Mom calling the cops then the next day it was like after 24 hours they can do an AP whatever the hell they do and they couldn’t find him obviously canel the party and I don’t know exactly I mean I I’m speculating maybe a day or two later they found him at a hotel you know hammered right Miller checked himself in to a New York Hospital to receive treatment for his drinking I felt some symptoms coming back so I just I got up and went down to the hospital and said you got to let me in you got to protect me from me with her husband in a treatment facility and three children depending on her at home Cindy says she was in survival mode but she wasn’t alone while she gave lessons all day she relied on her daughter Kelly to run her side business an embroidery and sewing shop probably was working 30 hours a week there after school and then on the weekends part of me enjoyed it but some of it was also sometimes I just want to be a kid I don’t want to go sew because you have orders to to come in like I just want to go play with my friends her youngest son Matt also helped I wanted to make sure that laundry was always put away done when she got home and dishes were done and that she didn’t have to anything to do because she was just there was so much going on that you you could just see the the pain and the struggle after a month Miller returned home his wife who had been pushed to the brink while he was gone desperately needed his help but Miller was still in no position to step up this guy’s laying on the couch in the house and I’m working sewing shirts giving lessons doing he has no job nor is he getting up to get a job he’s not doing anything and this is what I have to and we owed like 50 $60,000 and credit card bills I mean you have no idea at this point I’m like you know what I don’t really want to hear about what your troubles are cuz I just I’m done I’m done you going to sit here on the couch and feel bad I’m tired you know I mean that’s kind of how I [Music] felt so then I filed for divorce cuz I’m like he could care less about anything what happened next has become a well-told story in the Miller household when they almost got a divorce what I remember stopping it was they were at their court hearing and my dad gave her a copy of Whitney Houston’s I will always love you and he said look if this is really what you want I’ll sign whatever you want but I don’t want you to sign today I want you to wait the way my mind processed that’s what stopped it and that she said no we’re going to do this we’re going to fight it’s for all that we can they came back and said they weren’t going to get divorced and whether that story is 100% accurate that’s how I remember it so I don’t remember that part no but I probably did I remember the song I remember saying what is that song and that’s the way I felt I said the only reason I filed for divorce is cuz you got to get better I can’t put up with this I wouldn’t have filed for a divorce cuz I still love you I said you want to rip the papers up alen goes yeah let’s rip the papers up fill the papers out and then we moved on you if you won’t give up on me I can’t live without you I hope that you feel the about this is worth the Alan Miller Story I’m David Maher for years Cindy Miller pleed with her husband to get better gradually he did in July of 1996 Alan Miller gave up alcohol for good he said once I found out why I did it I don’t need to do it anymore Miller relied on alcohol to dull the pain of failing to live up to other people’s perceived expectations most notably his own father but through therapy and personal reflection Miller learned to prioritize his own thoughts you hear that all the time always listen to what the other person what’s the other person’s opinion screw the other person they’re not living inside you by looking within Miller overcame his battle with alcoholism it’s not the alcohol it’s the problem Alan if you got issues with some of the things in the past and we got to deal we’ll deal with them and you won’t have any that’s that’s you’re killing the pain with the alcohol cuz that’s where the pain is you put the umbrella up we take the umbrella down we don’t have any pain anymore so I believe in that 100% And Pain’s gone that Newfound perspective allowed Miller at long last to find peace with himself and with what he achieved on the PGA tour I had a pretty dagam good career but it wasn’t what everybody else wanted it wasn’t winning tournaments it wasn’t winning a lot of tournaments it wasn’t being a leading money winners or whatever what’s it worth to you or today it’s worth a lot more to me than it was back then Miller’s hard-earned wisdom yielded a precious gift a relationship with his golf craze son that he never had with his own father anytime he had a bad shot or a good shot I did not change my facial expression or emotion I purposely didn’t change rather than reacting oh that’s a bad shot oh what a disappointment that is a great shot go Jamie it was always okay it was hard work but conscious effort to stay steady with emotions and everything else cuz I knew the emotional hurt it could give you good or bad I think my dad always took away the what do you call the negative of how his dad was to him it was always very tough on him about that I would say to the counter my dad was almost too easy he didn’t really push me which ultimately allowed me to push myself which is probably a good thing but I think he was constantly like worried about making me feel what his dad made him feel Miller displayed the same Grace with his wife in her bid to return to professional golf more than 20 years after she lost her card on the LPGA Tour Allan was all about me pursuing my dream defeating My Demons redemption in 2005 she was second on the Legends tour money list highlighted by a runner-up finish what’s the moral of the story I defeated my My Demons right Pro to myself the dream that I had when I was 17 wasn’t going to be a nightmare that would haunt me the rest of my life nearly 50 years after they first met Allan and Cindy Miller are still quote golf buddies most days they teach side by side at The Paddock golf dome in Upstate New York despite Allen’s disdain for self-promotion they Market themselves as the only married couple in the world who have competed on the PGA tour LPGA Tour Senior Tour and legends tour and somebody will come for a lesson with me because most people know me cuz I’m you know and he’ll be sitting over in the corner in his little old man chair and I see that guy over there with the beard that guy over there in the Beard’s playing the Masters five times what oh yeah Allan has started writing a book it is of course a cautionary Tale the title jumps off the page I am not what I shoot it’s a message he conveys often to his students you’re not a bad person cuz you shoot a bad score you don’t play well in a tournament your worth is not based on how you play golf your worth is based on what kind of person you are on a rare day off from giving lessons Alan Miller is surrounded by his family in his living room conversation comes easy photographs of the many memories they’ve made to together fill the walls the scene is a striking inverse of that fateful day long ago when Miller sat in an empty room and attempted to take his own life everything that he did to defeat or lack of a better word my mom always said when we were kids to defeat his demons was for his family and that’s one of the most inspiring things you can do now that I have my own I’m going to do whatever I can for them just like he did for us would I have loved my dad to have won the master sure but but like at the end of the day part of why I’m who I am is cuz of what we went through and it wasn’t fun and it wasn’t good but you’re better for it it’s just a huge change in how he was to how he is now you know and I think that that’s amazing to work through all of that and still be able to keep going he knows that he’s a good person a loving husband he knows that he’s the best grandpy so much so that I’m a little jealous and he’s just so loving that’s what made me fall in love with him he’s just really a nice guy I just try to be the best person you can be for yourself if you’re a good person for yourself you’ll be good for other people too [Music] I hope someday we’ll sit down together and laugh with each other by these days these days all our Tres We Lay to rest and we wish we could come back to these days these [Music] days these days these [Music] listen to worth the Alan Miller Story anytime on the Sirius XM app and browse the entire catalog of golf Originals search PGA Tour radio specials on the Sirius XM app thanks for listening I’m David M