Trump Auditions Potential VPs, Can’t Pay His $464 Million Bond & a Visit from Crab Jesus!

The NCAA Tournament is underway and Gonzaga played their first game, the Dodgers fired Ohtani’s translator yesterday for allegedly stealing Ohtani’s money to cover gambling debts, a royal update on Kate Middleton, Donald Trump is having a tough time coming up with his $464 million bond, he is now considering 15 candidates for his running mate including Florida Senator Marco Rubio, there are a bunch of crazy A.I. photos of Jesus on Facebook, and we get a visit from Crab Jesus!

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Jimmy Kimmel serves as host and executive producer of Emmy®-nominated “Jimmy Kimmel Live!,” ABC’s late-night talk show. “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” is well known for its huge viral video successes, with over 15 billion views and more than 18 million subscribers on the show’s YouTube channel. Some of Kimmel’s most popular comedy bits include “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets,” “Lie Witness News,” “Unnecessary Censorship,” “Halloween Candy YouTube Challenge,” and music videos like “I (Wanna) Channing All Over Your Tatum.”

Too much thank you I’m Jimmy thank you for watching thank you for all the yelling I appreciate it thank you for everything great I’m glad you’re here there’s a lot going on I mean no one cares cuz the NCAA tournament started but there’s a lot going on you

Are you watching the college basketball games we’ve been watching all the round of 64 um is underway and what I was most interested in is Gonzaga played their first game tonight against MCN state the fact that there’s no evidence that either of those schools exist they played they played Gonzaga is like it’s

The college basketball version of the Easter bunny it shows up once a year makes a bunch of baskets and then disappears so baseball season starts a week from today and we already here in Los Angeles have drama surrounding the Dodgers $700 Million Man sh Otani I don’t know if you heard about

This Dodgers yesterday fired otani’s translator for allegedly stealing otani’s money to cover gambling desks a guy’s name is eepe mitsuhara he’s accused of transferring somewhere in the neighborhood of $4.5 million from otani’s account uh there here they are um together back in December a lot of the concern is about whether he was

Betting on baseball with this gambling how they wouldn’t know that I I don’t know I mean the clues were there all along the guy even had the same haircut as Pete Rose show has not spoken to the media about this yet and um because they fired his interpreter how could he but have

You been following this skl a little bit does it make you worry at all yeah I do hopefully he’s nothing happen this is basically like the Kate Middleton mystery for men right now we finally got a royal update on Kate Middleton according to a spokesperson for Kensington Palace

There’s a very simple explanation for Kate Middleton’s whereabouts she’s been working from home which I don’t know how how does a princess work from home I’m just going to stay in and wave at people I don’t maybe it’s because I’m American I don’t understand all the craziness

Around this why do we have to know where she is it’s not like she’s the bus driver I mean it’s she had an operation she had abdominal surgery maybe she’s not feeling maybe she has a colostomy bag and she doesn’t want everybody to see it I mean really people are

Demanding like she get dressed up and marched through London so we can have a look at her leave this woman alone you know what I mean you know what I would do if I was Kate Middleton I would hire sh otani’s interpreter and run all inquiries through him his magazine Donald Trump

Has some money problems the I can’t pign my billionaire is said to be frustrated he’s having so much trouble coming up with a $464 million bond to cover the Judgment against him in New York bond companies thus far have been reluctant to loan him that much money for the same

Reason you wouldn’t loan a watermelon to a hippopotamus Trump has until Monday to get the bond and if he doesn’t the Attorney General may start seizing his assets possibly as early as next week they could seize his golf course at Bedminster they could take his buildings which if they seize

Trump Tower where will Donald get his authentic Mexican taco bowls they could even seize his plane I vote for that I can think of nothing more delightful can you imagine the sight of Donald Trump standing in line for a Southwest flight in boarding Group C I mean some

Experts think Trump ultimately will get the bond but these companies are leaving them hanging so they can squeeze them for the maximum amount basically they have them over a barrel and now they’re behind him like Stormy Daniels with a rolled up magazine like have you been a

Bad boy Donald do you want to a bond do you want bondage cuz say it say I’m a bad boy say I’m sorry I got Carri away but um it’s like that one giant concern is that a desperate Trump might have to take money from a foreign country which could potentially create a

Huge National Security risk if he becomes president this has been discussed a lot so Fox News floated his lawyer Helen Haba Blaha a big softball to set the record straight on that and boy did she ever um is there any effort on the part of your team to secure this money through another

Country Saudi Arabia or Russia as Joy bear seems to think well there’s rules and regulations that are public I can’t speak about strategy that requires certain things and we have to follow those rules well that sounds like a yes to me I don’t know that’s right what’s this A a

Birthday check from North Korea last month Donald Trump super pack this is a money that’s supposed to go to getting him elected spent $230,000 a day on his legal fees but there are new pockets to pill for Trump yesterday launched a joint fundraising Venture with the Republican National

Committee Now overseen by his son’s wife linking the RNC with uh him will give Trump the rare opportunity to bankrupt an organization that doesn’t have his name on it for once and Trump is now looking for uh a running mate to join him they say he’s now considering 15

Candidates with the idea that these people will audition at his rallies and campaign events really he’s turning this into the mag apprentice and the finalists for VP include Alise stonic Tim Scott tulsy gabard and Dr Ben Carson even though Dr Ben Carson died six years ago he’s Ben Carson is literally a

Sleeper candidate he’s can you imagine vice president Carson sitting behind Trump Trump at the State of the Union with his head this is a guy who falls asleep standing up Trump’s also considering Florida Senator Marco Rubio as his campaign partner which would come as quite a surprise seeing as how most

Of their interactions thus far have been like this I will address uh you know little Rubio Little Marco Little Marco you know Marco Little Marco he’s always calling me Little Marco he’s little l d d l little little little marker Donald is not going to make America great he’s

Going to make America orange he was putting on makeup with a Trel like a guy with the worst spray tan in America is attacking me for putting on makeup I never saw a human being sweat like this guy he doesn’t sweat cuz his pores are clogged from the spray tan that he uses

I will not say that he was trying to cover up his ears then he asked for a fulllength mirror maybe to make sure his pants weren’t wet I don’t know little mouth on him bing bing bing bing bing bing bing bing we have a con artist as

The front runner in the Republican Party Listen to This Light little nothing say Trump Aon man I mean this guy bankrupted a casino how do you bankrupt a casino problem with Marco he’s a choke artist he chokes have you seen his hands they’re like this he hit my hands nobody

Has ever hit my hands look at those hands are they small hands and you know what they say about men with small ass I guarantee you there’s no problem I guarantee you well I don’t know anything about bankrupting for [Applause] starting un fake [Applause] un by a

Te David versus golier but now Rubio says it would be an honor for anyone to be offered the VP slot oh poor little Marco he thinks he’s different he’s thinking I’m the one who’s going to ride this bull no no you will R wind up in

The mud with all the other rodeo clowns think about all the people who thought they could domesticate Donald Trump Chris Mitt Romney Jeff sessions Kevin McCarthy Rudy Giuliani Ted Cruz Ronda sandis Mike Pence all his wives I mean you think this won’t be you too destroying people

Like you is it’s the only thing Donald Trump is good at if he ask you to run run with those little legs moving like a c going into a Chucky Cheese in Alabama they just passed a bill that will ban diversity equity and inclusion program at all public schools

And universities and it also requires universities to get rid of gender neutral bathrooms the sponsor of the bill is a republican named will barfoot who’s been very anti- reading ever since he realized he has the word barf in his name the bill was signed into law Yesterday by Governor K Ivy she’s

Terrific her motto is if at first you don’t succeed try try again hey here’s something fun out of Iowa this is a good reminder that it doesn’t matter what you do as long as you love doing it a Burlington woman is facing charges after police say she set fire to a porch

46-year-old Michelle young was standing on the porch young is charged with Reckless use of fire and possession of drug paraphernalia maybe she should be vice president with Trump speaking of crazy photos have you seen um all like the weird Jesus pictures AI Jesus that have been making

The rounds on Facebook it’s just it’s like a big thing this is a sampling here’s like Jesus in a helicopter saving another Jesus I know this is of a sand castle a little girl made at the beach here we have Jesus as a shrimp for whatever reason a lot of the

Image of Jesus with airplanes this is an army of uh Jesus and like creepy male flight attendants this one is Jesus working as a flight attendant for Spirit this is a this is Jesus saving a woman in some kind of river of diarrhea I don’t know what’s going on there and no

Lord and Savior Buffet would be complete without crab Jesus the crustation Christ obviously there’s no such thing as crab Jesus I went to I was in vacation bible school I feel like I would remember a crab Jesus for sure if there was one and what is this it is I gra

Jesus the king crab of king crabs I am real I wasn’t prepared for this this is you’re actually crab Jesus yes my child any is there anything else no really is that it that’s I guess your writers didn’t think this bit through my child uhhuh they felt the

Visual would be funny enough yeah yeah I guess you were wrong on that yeah I guess yes yeah yes they were very very very wrong but forgive them for they know not what they write yeah yeah seems like they didn’t write anything though they wrote this yeah okay all right well thank you

Anyways I must go the tide is going out but before I do I have a gift for your audience oh gift face what the you going a face and you get a face everybody get [Applause] the hold on wait a minute I’m grab Jesus why are you wait

Why why are you handing out fish oh you want me to throw them no no I don’t want you I can throw pretty hard no no please don’t want to no no no nobody no no there’s no need to throw them I think that’s we’re good

We’re solid with the fish okay you know you know I can multiply them a lot like a thousand X I can fill this whole place with fish please don’t fill the place I’ll do it no we don’t need more fish how about loaves you got any loaves no

We don’t have loaves we don’t uh sorry Jesus I I guess I’ll go back to heaven then yeah I think that’s a good idea for you to go back to heaven now there you go it’s boring in heaven yeah you want to see the claw thing

Again no I don’t think we I think we saw it the first time all right thank you um Jesus I appreciate that okay I forgive you for what oh you know [Applause] what farewell from Jesus will return again we’ll get you some new pants who knew that these people would

Be so terrified of fish oh yeah yeah that’s not good at all I know but you know what that’s Jesus for you he’s out of control he told us he would come back we just didn’t know he’d have fish oh there’s a fish down there that’s [Laughter] [Applause]

You it’s just F do you eat fish yeah but not like it’s got a face and things yeah that’s how they come they have a face in things should we chop the head off and would you like it better then right all right well you know what we have [Applause] a oh there you go well all hell is broken loose here at the show um we’re GNA do we’re going to clean the fish and then um we’ll get back to the [Applause] show