Comedian Brian Swinehart in El Paso Texas

Comedian Brian Swinehart performs at the Comic Strip in El Paso Texas

Hey hey hey hey hey it’s my favorite word I love to say hey it’s a good word isn’t it hey it’s a good word you can say it friendly hey somebody tries to steal your stuff hey she’s somebody illegally crossing from Warez into America Hey I can only say that joke here so thank you was Sting all week I wrote it that hey I wor that’s okay I think black ladies have the best haay though of all the people who say hey black ladies have the best haay they hey at that little wiggle hey when a

Black lady delivers a pleasant hey it makes you feel good all day right you mimic it you drive hey then you go out night see your friends hey they’re like [Applause] gay now I’ve learned to say hey in 10 languages no College just Google translate hey Ola Aloha B Kisha ni pre

Namaste and of course too much I learn languages cuz I love women from all over the world all different Ethnicities what you do you see a beautiful woman you say hey if she doesn’t respond you go the next language if she doesn’t respond to that you go the next language if she hasn’t responded by 10 languages I do sign language she doesn’t respond to 10 languages sign language then I do body

Language she doesn’t respond to 10 languages sign language and Body Language I try again the next day cuz as the sun shines you got to make hey fellas you guys ever seen a beautiful woman you start to say hey but before she you finish she’s like nay now get away I got pepper

Spray with me you will not lay [ __ ] still Burns To This Day J is risque now I like foreign women that’s my thing I’m Bing the foreign women uh I like foreign women if I go to a bar and the bartender asks her for an ID and she

Doesn’t pull out a passport I walk away I love foreign women the great thing about a woman who’s here on a student visa you know exactly how long the relationship will last right you take her to the airport you’re crying she’s crying you drop her off to

The departure gate then you walk down to the arrival gate start checking student visas can I see your student visa 3 years keep going let me see yours three months perfect follow me I met I was in Miami Florida and I met a nice woman from Honduras my

Girlfriend is now from Honduras we met in Miami and uh she we a Starbucks and I went up and I said hey and uh we couldn’t we you know we had different languages but I had Google translate so I’m texting her M and Mo and all this

Sweet stuff she thought I was fluent in Spanish really all I was was fluent on the internet some people I also live in Ohio I live near Wyatt I I grew up 15 minutes from Wyatt I’m 15 years older than Wyatt and we grew up 15 minutes apart right

And where we grew up though it’s there’s more people that dress like Wyatt than dress like me uh you know I’m like a weird guy out there you know he dresses normal I dress weird but um my girl she’s going to get into America but she’s doing it the

Legal Way by Sleeping with a white man it was written in the Constitution George Washington signed off on it I I used to like older women myself did like used to like older women but what I used to consider older is now my age right you know when I was 20 I dated

A woman who was 40 I was 20 she was 40 she had a child he was 21 but it was cool he bought me beer great kid too we went to the fatherson picnic we won everything fell down turning the sack race he picked me up kept going I love to great

Kid girls in Ohio they’re not like the Beauties out here in El Paso you know that’s how Ohio got his name cuz you see her from far then she gets close oh hi oh that was Wyatt okay with that hair no we have a good time though we have a

Good town I live in is only 2,000 people real safe place but I I lived half my life in Los Angeles I grew up in Ohio and for 20 years from 2020 to uh from 2000 to 2020 I lived in Los Angeles and uh there was a lot of crime there a lot

Of crime uh in Los Angeles I heard gunshots in front of my apartment gunshots I didn’t even call 911 I say good another parking spot a lot of CME man I left my bike on the porch I came out the next day my bike was gone but there was another bike

There so some dude was riding his bike past my house he saw my bike he was like I like his bike better than my bike and he traded bikes thing is I liked his bike better than my bike so the next night I left my girlfriend on the porch barter

System some guys are laughing their wives are like stop laughing you’ll be on the Porch oh man somebody stole my computer that was tough learned a very important lesson there I’d Rather somebody steal my girl than steal my computer you get your computer stolen that cost you thousands of dollars you get your woman stolen that saves you thousands of dollars you need it in this economy some

Girls are look at me oh that’s not right oh man got some couples you guys how long you been together up front here good Couple oh four years good good job sir you waited it out that’s right that’s good man four years and so you were friends for and then solid for a year and a half that’s great that’s great and what about you guys married five years five years good

For you good for you what about you two guys 23 years okay okay that’s your okay okay well in Wyatt’s house that doesn’t matter uh I’m getting half my material from Wyatt right okay so that’s good man anybody ever been through an on again off again relationship anybody had that it’s tough

Man you know you know yeah he’s had it right on again off again that’s tough man it’s like on when you’re horny off when she needs help move it I we need to borrow her car often it needs oil I you Tak to your friend’s wedding often she tries to catch the B

You tackle her drives people close to you crazy you know it’s like me and my girl broke up good she’s not right for you we’re back together good I’ve always liked her we broke up again good she a [ __ ] we’re back together you’re a [ __ ] but you’re the only one who listens

Mom you got to be on the same page the person you’re with right married for 5 years you got people married for a long time even more than five yeah you there man yeah who’s the longest shout out 20 18 18 okay that’s good you’re an

Adult that’s good yeah so you got to want the same things right you’re married for 18 years you got to kind of want the same things at the same time when I was with myig again offing girlfriend I was younger I was a little more immature and she wanted a baby she

Was planning an unplanned pregnancy she sent me a text message my period is 23 days late smiley face I sent her a text OMG who is this I’m off to Mexico LOL see the side the wall ch ch running Emoji great so when I was in California

I I made a friend who grew up in Compton so I’m from a little town 2,000 people this guy’s from Compton he’s a big guy weighs 400 lb he goes by the name of T reezy his name t reezy my name Brian swinhart says to me yo dog I don’t know

About that name Brian swinhart that sounds country tzy I don’t know about your name that sounds criminal yo dog you in La now you need a street name you need to Hip Hop it up you going by B Swan be swne the other white meat AKA bh1 n mess with you they get

The flu you B I’m not a thug but I could use a hug my name is B it’s swine time swine time T is a great friend too man he made me some uh T-shirts they say swine time swine time I’ll be selling these after the show too um so is pretty

Cool I was uh I was married once actually uh 18 years there I got married when I was young I figured [ __ ] it might as well get the first one out of the way she didn’t want to let her get deported to Canada not Warz I’m a romantic guy so I proposed to

Her at the Eiffel Tower in Vegas weop some people think eloping is romantic eloping is not romantic that’s what you do when you can’t afford K and we got married in Oldtown Vegas uh you can have Elvis marry you you guys know that right but we got married in Oldtown Vegas by a guy known as the

Hip-hop preacher he’s called the hip-hop preacher cuz every wedding he does is different and he wraps the bows for our wedding he came out he was like a Bow Wow Wow yipp O yipp A we got a wedding today can I get I do I Now Pronounce You pimping Ho you can kiss the [ __ ] so she kissed me We’re married for 2 years been married for two years then we got a divorce now when you go through a divorce or a nasty breakup you want your ex to do worse than you you want them to find a bigger loser than you you want them to end up

Sleeping out in a tent on the freeway like by you know with by a crackhead right but my ex she like to sleep with comedians she’s a chuckle [ __ ] that’s what we call him the business man kind of like a groupy not as good but we’ll take it right chuckle [ __ ]

Yeah you know every profession has it right you got groupies cops got badge bunnies uh fireman got hose handlers uh plumbers got crack Liquors Farmers got sheep well that was a bad joke problem is my ex we get divorced she chuffle [ __ ] her way on up The Comedy

Ladder we get divorced eight years later she gets knocked up by a very famous comedian this is weird what if I see him one the shows I’d have to be polite about it i’ be like hey man you know that crazy chick you knocked up that’s

Going to take your money for 18 years my fault she’s in the country but listen why don’t you take me on the road with you you know have me open for you cuz really I already have Swine you oh it’s good stuff so before we go on I want to share something personal with you guys can you see that up there in the front there see that yep missing fingers if you can’t can you see it in the back I know come can’t see it in the

Back come see me after the show you can look at it five bucks tend to touch it you know something memorable uh dude sometimes I show my fingers to people and they tell me oh it’s just the tip everybody knows the tip is pretty important part some of us might not be

Here without the tip okay and uh I did it on July 5th uh 2018 so five six years ago I was on the back of a boat they were towing a jet ski the Rope got loose he comes flying back at me I go to catch the Rope fingers get

Stuck between the rope and the seat yeah hilarious right blood just gushing like a Tarantino movie off freaking out ah I lost part of my finger I lost part of my finger my cousin are you sure yes Kevin I’m sure I’ve had the same fingers my entire

Life they didn’t look like this when I got on the boat I’m tipless the fish are having finger Food good news though now uh get away more crime no fingerprints when it first happened I was kind of worried about my love life okay I was kind of being paranoid about that but it all worked out good uh God works in mysterious way now no fingernails yes it’s smooth uh that’s

What I’ve been told you can try if you like if you do like tell a friend I’m different but it made me appreciate my life more I got really lucky I mean it could have hit my throat instead of my fingers so I consider myself lucky God

Left me here and uh it taught me to really value each moment of our life because there you are you’re having a nice time you’re on Fourth of July weekend you’re on a boat and your whole life can change just like that now I can’t snab now I can’t snab it

Can’t snab it I can’t snab it kind of sucks I wanted to be in a band but I’m doing ComEd okay so that’s the way it is so then I had to go to the emergency room your fingers are sensitive a lot of nerves in your fingers I’m in the

Emergency room I’m having a hard time with it I’m in there I’m cussing I’m screaming the doctor he’s doing small talk with me trying to calm me down he says to me so I hear you’re a comedian like yeah doc I’m a comedian he said say something funny doc I’m sure there’s something

Funny about this situation I just can’t put my finger on It now can you please get to the task at hand uh my hand this hurts I said that at a show recently and a lady in the crowd she was is really nice you know she came up to me and she said wow I can’t believe you joke about

That I said ma’am I have to I’m a standup comic and I can no longer fall back on my career as a hand model those days are done and uh I also used to do a job I used to work in in LA in as an actor and

Stuff and I was a standin in movies so there is something true to that so I was a standing in movies I worked for several different actors one of them was named Matthew MCC yes I worked for him on Lincoln Lawyer a couple commercials music videos

That was a fun job because all as a stand in you just mimic them as they set up the lights in the camera okay and that was easy because MC easiest actor to mimic you just walk around all day going all right all right all right where do I stand shirt on or

Off and we were filming at the beach and I always carry Flyers with me to promote the comedy shows what you do you see a cute girl you give her a flyer then you follow her a couple blocks see what trash can she throws it

In then you dig it out and reuse it I’m going green same flyer for 3 years same joke for five so there I am I’m giving this girl a flyer who goes running down the beach getting his 5 hours a daily cardio M he’s just running down the beach right I

Wave to him he waves back I seen him the next day work hey man I’ve seen you talking to a woman in dog was that your girlfriend I said no I just like to go out every day and make approaches well you got to approach you got to go out there and

Approach then you got to cultivate a relationship you water one here you water one here you water one here you might die but in the end you got a garden so ever since then I’ve been working on my garden I’m out there hoing and plowing and ho it spread my seeds I’m a Gardener so I worked that movie I also worked on a movie in 2016 that movie was was called Fast and Furious 7 and yeah you know the Fast and Furious so if you follow Fast and Furious movies fast and furious seven halfway through the movie Paul Walker passed away his brothers

Came in to fill in for Paul and they use CGI to make his brothers look even more like Paul and I was the stand in for the two brothers and the movie was behind schedule and at the time I had 10 perfect fingers 10 perfect Hollywood fingers so

In some of the shots they used my hands so when he’s driving when he’s shifting when he uncuff the character Ramsay those were my hands I was really proud of this job I used to invite girls over put on Netflix Fast and Furious 7 those are my

Hands they didn’t believe it then now they definitely don’t believe it right and I thought about this when I was in the emergency room and it freaked me out and I started screaming I won’t be able to do more hand jobs I won’t be able to do more hand

Jobs the doctor was like now that one’s funny write it down it’s like how I’m right-handed the male nurse was like you still got the other hand so it was good man it all good so I also do that I’m also a writer and uh I

Write movie scripts and stuff and uh got some pretty big news uh two weeks ago I sold one of my movie scripts yeah thank sold it at my yard Sale got a dollar for it actually got 70 cents my agent got 30 cents uh my mom’s my agent how come the people that show up to your yard sale are the never the type of people you want hanging out in your yard bunch of cheap weirdos always

Negotiate right this one guy wanted me to set an item aside for him so he could go home get the money come back pay for it like sir I don’t have layaway first person with a quarter gets the dish not playing that game here you know so got some beers there

That’s excellent man good good drive safe tonight guys make sure you drive safe drive slow please take it from me I want split my car man driving too fast should known was driving too fast cuz my Jesus statue climbed off the dashboard into the glove box gave me the finger closed the glove

Box Jesus didn’t want to die twice too soon cops came to the car are you all right other than being upside down on the freeway I’m cool are you hurt I’m bleeding what from the accident step out of your car please I don’t know if you guys have ever tried to step out

Of an upside down car hard to do right so there was good news and there was bad news good news no one else involved bad news no one else to blame cops interrogate me what do you do for a living nothing man I’m a comedian take a

Flyer got a cousin he’s a comedian we never laugh at him that’s funny man I got a cousin who’s a cop we laugh at him all the time then I got Taser man so we got football going on any anybody here football players football fans you yeah Cowboys are the team around here right we like in Ohio we like the Bangals and the Browns so we’re not used to winning you know but but U uh I I I

Wanted to play football I was too skinny to play football I actually got on the wrestling team uh I joined the wrestling team because the coach told me wrestlers who win get girls [ __ ] coach should have said wrestlers who lose get a dudes nuts in their face I’ve been teabag more than Left I’m just glad there was no social media at the time right I would have been that kid is got embarrassed in front of everybody I sucked man but I wanted to get better I wanted to get better I got better my senior year I had a great

Coach I had a great coach great mentor and he came to my house he looked at my room he told me your problem isn’t your moves your problem is your mind your mind is cluttered just like your messy room to be a champion in one thing you

Got to be a champion at everything that includes cleaning your messy room it’s like coach did my mom mom pay you to say that but I listened to my coach I threw out everything even my sister I know she’s okay don’t worry she grew up and I got one win away from

Going to State wrestling tournament I was only one match away from accomplishing my dream but I had to wrestle this dude who would Pinn me every time before the match he got my face he said this time I’m going to pin you so fast you’ll never get up I was

Like dude dude you can talk trash but did you take out the trash did you do the dishes I bet you got dust bunnies under your bed it worked man I got in his head I shot him took him down pendy he folded like my laundry

Swine be swine that’s right I like to play sports but it was hard for me playing sports I grew up with a very old dad my dad was 58 years old when I was born yeah that’s old right got some parents in here right that’s you imagine

I don’t know if you’re probably younger than 58 when you had your kids right because it was it was hard having an old dad my dad was old and he was also a defense attorney he was a lawyer so he was an old man and he was a lawyer and

And I wanted to play sports with him it was hard to play sports with an old dad like that but um I was off State Chef board leard horseshoe scholarship in b ball right tried to play catch but my dad you know he couldn’t throw overhand

He had to throw crooked cuz he’s a lawyer it’s hard having an old dad I’d wake up Dad I feed the bed so’ I go back to sleep best part about an old dad was of course history class come home from school hey Dad did you know Abraham

Lincoln no what about General Patton Pat was an [ __ ] I got stories about Pat oh really Dad can you write them down essay style 500 to 1,000 words please work on your punctuation and grammar last week we got a [Laughter] see my mom’s great my dad thought he was a Hugh Hefner of Ohio he was 25 years older than my mom my mom’s great my mom’s very sentimental any sentimental moms out there yeah you’re like that you don’t like to throw stuff away no not really no sentimental that’s how

My mom what’s your name ma’am B Bonnie okay Bonnie yeah my mom’s very sentimental she keeps everything drives me crazy man I go to her house I start throwing stuff out she gets upset did you throw away that drawing you drew in the third grade yes Mom I did I was saving that

Why Mom I can draw the same thing now it will look exactly the same I haven’t improved this is good well man I tell you I’m I’m glad that uh you know people are back living their lives and smiling you know it was a weird couple years I feel like

Hopefully that shit’s gone but I really had a hard time when that pandemic came around cuz at that time I was single and they were locking people up and I was still in California at the time and they were way too strict that’s why I moved

Back to Ohio cuz California was way too strict and I was so desperate during that time man I did something I promised I would never do I texted my ex-girlfriend yes and she responded I told you you’d die alone that was rough man was hard and I hated that word social distancing I

Hated that word social distancing man that ain’t social distancing that’s social conditioning that’s population control big con you stay 6 feet away you can’t touch you can’t touch you can’t kiss you can’t kiss you can’t make love you can’t make love you can’t have babies population control big conspiracy to stop me from

Having a wife and kids Co was set up by Tinder to get me to buy the premium package the Illuminati is after me I hated the mask that sucked dude I was in the grocery I saw this girl I was like Hey bet you look real good without

That mask on she took it off I was wrong she smiled at me with her tooth put it back up and shave raise her an N was stupid right I hated it man and then there I actually got on the internet I matched with the girl I was living in California at the time I matched with a girl that was living in in Florida and I decided I’d fly out to see her it was in the

Middle when everything was going crazy nobody was flying but you know my friend he’d been married for 25 years he didn’t understand my dilemma he’s like Brian what kind of woman would let some guy she’s never met or seen before in person fly all the way across the country in

The middle of a pandemic just to get some I said well the type of girl I like I’m off to Pensacola for some pandemic [ __ ] that was right dude I hated what they did with the toilet paper that was stupid that showed you how stupid people were why buy up

All the toilet paper it’s Corona virus not Crohn’s virus when I hear the word pandemic I buy rice and beans what’s the point of toilet paper if you ain’t got nothing to [ __ ] out sitting there staring into an empty Pantry wonder how ches and let’s suppose Co didn’t have a

99.999% survival rate let’s suppose it was some scary [ __ ] 97% there you are dying on your bathroom floor on your final breath you look up at the 72 rolls of toilet paper you just bought in a greed infested panic and you say to yourself sure I didn’t live my life to the

Fullest but look at all that toilet paper I’m leaving that in my inheritance the kids can have the TP thin dead but you still go to hell for being a greedy toilet paper Hoy Bastard ridiculous man we learned a lot about famous people during that time right like did you guys know that Mark Zuckerberg is a satanic pedophile baby eater yeah it’s true I read it on Facebook I believe it we have a hard time trusting the news after everything we’ve been through the

Last several years right it’s harder to trust them I was watching the news when everything was going on the guy on the news came on he said 93y old man died of Co he’s like [ __ ] 93y old man died of being 93 that’s what happens when you turn

93 at 93 every every breath is a miracle at 93 a strong fart could kill you don’t eat Taco Bell before visiting Grandpa [ __ ] man that’s not what happened Grim Reaper showed up and was like hey 93y old man you’re 93 time to go 93y old man was like Hey I lived a

Good long life I had kids I had grandkids I love my life I’m ready to go doctor was like we get 36,000 if he had Co news reporter was like excellent I can scare my viewers and Bill Gates was like wonderful my vaccine is going to make

Trillions that’s how it works right [ __ ] Bill Gates man yeah we’re going there guys you’re ready for there go Bill Gates was worth $150 billion he got on television and was telling hardworking regular people they couldn’t go back to work now how much you make young man

How much that’s a lot for a young man but not compared to Bill Gates Bill Gates could have gave you $1 billion not to go to work and he still would have had $49 billion left but he didn’t give you a billion he a million he give you a

Thousand he give you a dollar only thing Bill Gates gave you was a virus in the air and a virus on your computer cuz Bill Gates is a virus [ __ ] Bill Gates state a joke needs to be said okay Bill Gates got a divorce you guys know why Bill Gates got a

Divorce he’s rich and Bill Gates used to be a woman had a sex change became a man his wife clearly used to be a man had a sex change became a woman it’s true my friend he sent me a meaning that explains it you guys thought you were coming to a

Comedy show huh didn’t know you were going to get a que on poetry slam so uh no I hated fouchy dude you guys remember fouchy I hated that guy stum cold pathological liar first he came out he said you don’t need a mask then he came out and said mask or you’re dead

Then he came out he said vaccine comes out no more mask vaccine came out he said two mask he was just seeing how he could far he could push people see what he we could do I was just waiting for him to come out to one of those press

Conferences stand in the back and come up and stalk like he always did I was just waiting for him to see how far he could push this I was just waiting for him to come out and tell you take your finger shove it up your ass hold it

There 3 seconds rotate P your mask down put it in your mouth if you can’t smell or taste it you got Co but if you can smell or taste it that’s your fault for listening to fou Chief a stone cold pathological liar I don’t know if you can guess but I

Didn’t take the vaccine don’t be mad at me I didn’t take the vaccine not because I think my body’s a temple no in my life I’ve done Coke speed acid LSD mushrooms IA and a fat chick named Stephanie that was an addicting drug man hard to kick that habit out of bed she

Was Heavy oh man I don’t know man how are you so how how how old are you young young gu 23 cool man I remember being your age dude how you guys over here how old are you 41 41 you’re up my age okay cuz you’re I’m 44

And back when we were coming up man you got back when we were coming up it was different okay 40y old you guys know this when I was in my 20s the only thing I ever wanted to do in my life was have a threesome that was the whole goal of

My life was a freesome right and and you know uh back when I was coming up you had to it was hard because you had to find two women who both liked you at the same time back then I didn’t have any money so they had to

Volunteer but nowadays it’s easy to have a threesome all you have to do is find one they Them pronouns are [ __ ] stupid that’s what I’m saying I was at Starbucks a person working at Starbucks had a name tag it said they then I’m like if you’re a they them can’t you be making my drink quicker they could be taking the order them could be making the vanilla mocha

Latte let’s get this going who came up with this [ __ ] man I woke up one day people asking me what’s your pronouns I failed gramar what’s a pronoun it’s what you are it’s how you identify I’m a straight white man so I’m hated by all the people who use

Pronouns you think they put up with this [ __ ] in other countries They’re laughing at us in other countries why do you think China hent that big balloon to spy on us they’re sitting there laughing they don’t know which bathroom to go why would he do that man I don’t

Understand I try to be open-minded I do I try to be open-minded but I don’t understand this why would you want to go from being an average looking man to a butt ugly woman your pronouns are now wolf wolf [ __ ] woof woof [ __ ] yes why they we want to do it I don’t

Know doesn’t make sense how come the people that are saying we need inclusion are the ones dividing us with [ __ ] pronouns right I’m a he him her she they them who what when where why how I’m a man with a dick who wants to [ __ ] Jesus is that true

Jesus oh man good good so your dad take you out a lot you’re cool dad man buy him a bucket of beer oh you bought it you’re a cool son well you make 44 so [ __ ] yeah you got I love being a comic man this is

This an interesting job to have here man it’s it’s different when I first started I had a day job and I invited my boss to a show now that was a big mistake never let your boss see you [ __ ] up two jobs in one day yeah so this is pretty dark in here

I’ve been to El Paso a couple times you know I like El Paso I’ve been here enough to know a little bit about it but you know people’s impression of El Paso from outside of El Paso is it’s dangerous I don’t know if you know guys

Know that but you know why and I came here from Ohio and when we pulled up last night to the hotel which is just a couple blocks this way it’s kind of near Teddy’s you guys remember teddies oh yeah everybody has a Teddy story right so we pulled up here and and we

Want and it was Thanksgiving and we hadn’t had a real Thanksgiving meal so I was like dude let’s go to Water Burger all right cuz that’s a big Texas El Paso it sounds like a good Thanksgiving thing I said let’s go to waterburger we’ll walk why oh hell no I’ve heard about

This town we’re not Walking okay but it’s I’ve always had good times it’s been sife but we play a lot of times in G uh dark bars we have a lot of shows in dark bars and that’s tough man you meet a girl in a dark bar you get her number you see her the next

Day in the daylight you give it Back I’m sorry baby I’m off the war what war any War I’ll start one there’s oil somewhere always fighting the roil dude damn Wars and [ __ ] they never end D world’s so touchy right now too with everything going on social media and all these politics you know you know what

I’d like to say you know what I think would bring America back together I think there’s one thing that could bring America back together and that’s instead of having a debate a debate Donald Trump and Joe Biden have a pro wrestling match I think we can all agree that we

Would like to see that right the economy would boost because I would definitely pay a for pay-per-view for that [ __ ] okay bring it back I would love to be the announcer at that at that match right wouldn’t that be great welcome to WrestleMania we’re getting ready for the

Main event for Sleepy Sloppy creepy Joe and dangerous Donnie who’s going to win this battle will sleepy Joe get him in the Stone Cold stiffer or Will trump get him in the Trump Tower Power suplex let’s go let’s go to the dressing room and talk to the Challenger dangerous Donnie oh yeah oh

Yeah it’s time for some locker room talk oh yeah f54 fun Jo B is dumb oh yeah but danger is Donnie what are you going to do if he hits you with another indictment it doesn’t matter if he hits me with another indictment because the Donald is going back to Washington can you

Smell what’s in Joe Biden’s diaper Chinese food jaon husband explain those Impressions to your wives okay that was pro wrestling Impressions and [ __ ] oh man I know it’s tough man lived in California I came from two different places Ohio and California and Ohio just slow motion slow easy going California

Was tough man you know that the governor of California sucks when people are moving back to Ohio like that’s better it’s like oh man good so yeah I used to I think I’ve come a long way in my life because I used to only date Crazy Girls my girlfriend now

Is more normal I think but it’s hard to find out if who you’re with is normal right we got people on dates hear any any new couples if you got the courage to no you too no uh what about you guys here what’s your story young young man

Razor back F yeah is your girl how long you been together a year a year cool cool is she normal oh probably not if that’s your family you guys I love you guys so you’re bringing here you’re bringing this guy to introduce your this the first time meeting the family or

No oh you met her parents parents approve of him he seems like a good guy he can’t be too dangerous he’s wearing a titlist golf hat could have been wearing a Raiders jersey right I’m definitely getting stabbed after that oh he thought there’s a guy with a Raider check high school wrestling wasn’t

Enough for you dude oh yeah good stuff man what’s your name sir Ben Ben all right I ain’t going to [ __ ] with Ben dude like that Raiders just switch from tough town to tough Town they’re like awesome man yeah because around here it’s usually Cowboys I noticed Cowboys seems like San

Francisco has fans around here and Raiders have 49ers have a lot of fans here too and Raiders have fans everywhere man actually because it’s you know it’s cool but so okay so where’ you guys meet Perfect Dude the old school way yeah you got referred youer you

Know yeah this guy’s getting married my brother it’s time for you to get married here you go okay Colorado great place to smoke weed perfect so good for you and you been Mar and you’ve been going out for a year right I can tell man good good seem like a good

Couple man that’s that’s what I like a lot of times though you know I got some friends and they get with some of these crazy girls you know and I got to tell dude you got to meet your girl at that say Asylum that way you know what you’re purchasing ahead of

Time excuse me you got any girls being released today we got Kelly bipolar uh liar pathology multiple personalities be great I’ll pick up six this guy sitting here pointing to his date this your is this your wife yeah okay so she’s got to put up with this [ __ ]

Right and how long youve been married 13 years oh good for you man good for you and you sir what’s your uh relationship to these two that’s my dad that’s man you had him young H he might he looks like he has You by a couple years actually look

That I’m messing with you I was thinking that was probably the truth man okay that’s good what about back here in Texas uh like your hat there what’s what’s your guys’ story back here bunch of rally friends or what do you got family right here okay my wife your wife

Weeks married three weeks married good give it up up up making it work making it work I won’t ask you too many questions cuz I don’t want you to [ __ ] it up in week three D so everything was going great in this [ __ ] comic start asking dumb ass Questions I said the wrong [ __ ] what we got here you guys look like a fun table back here what’s your guys’ situation there we got one guy from New York or where you guys from got New York Yankees hat so I’m just guessing we’re all together oh you guys are all together okay so you’re

From Texas and you’re n so you won this year good job good job that’s good man and we got birthday girl she still here she she she’s in the restroom okay she’s in the restroom well bad timing on me to call that out right there that’s uh my bad my

Bad so Texas how’d you meet your girl that’s game right there I’m going wait this out play up I see what I like good for you man good for you all right yeah that’s good that’s Amish style right there I don’t know you guys know what

Amish is around here you guys got Amish My First Girlfriend my little town we had Amish My First Girlfriend was Amish man I yeah I it’s true story I snuck her out at 400 p.m. went to my place I put in a movie Witness I’m not bragging but I got her Bonnet off

That’s third Bas in Amish Culture man used to always be thinking about girls man all I used to do was build the clubs one night I was out this girl walked by I said hey girl what’s going on I always hit my target is with a smooth opener we went out we got some drinks dancing was

Attempted we go we leave the club as we’re leaving the club there’s a lady out front of the club she’s selling hot dogs and flowers so I bought two hot dogs I bought two flowers I atat the hot dog she eats the flowers big girl Stephanie was her Name we go back to my place I’m thinking this is too good to be true so I double check for an Adam’s apple no apple game on and we’ve known each other for two hours I got a theory about girls that put out 2 hours they’re my

Type they are awesome some people call them [ __ ] I call them Heroes any heroes in El Paso I’ll be your lowest Lan but this girl was wild man she kept yelling oh yeah oh [ __ ] me with that big dick oh [ __ ] me with that big dick which

Made me think someone else was in the room talking to me T Rey you in here here take a flyer swine that’s right feel free anytime guys you can call me swine hey whatever man I did forget to make an announcement earlier on one of my jokes I don’t know if

There’s any chuckle [ __ ] here tonight but I do have CLE [ __ ] t-shirts and kozies and I got some shirts to say hey and some hats to say he but yeah you know a couple years ago uh my last girlfriend I had before my girl now my last girlfriend man she was

Really crazy and um when we met she was a thief and when we met she told me she was a thief I just didn’t understand she said I’m a klepto why got klepto and Nyo confused so at first I was excited and then my [ __ ] started going M

Right and she got away with her crimes because the way she walked she moved like a stripper she stuck her butt out her chest out s s s s security guards didn’t even care hey is that girl stealing those shoes yep aren’t you going to stop her nope why not look at

That ass that’s a nice ass I’m going to come back tomorrow steal some more [ __ ] get paid $10 an hour [ __ ] Frost Dress for Less I’ll let her dress for less klepto she was in amazing shape amazing shape never exercised only exercise sheever got was stealing which

Made me think she needs to teach a workout video posted up on YouTube call it klepto cardio okay girls I’m going to teach you how to be an independent woman you’ll no longer need a man to buy you dinner you’ll be able to steal it on your own

On three Follow Me 1 2 three and we sway we sway we sway we take them ends and we put them away and we sway we sway we sway free bread sticks I six and we put them away put them away and we sway cute

Guy I 5 and he’s looking so we dip we dip and we SAG we uh oh here comes the popo so we get away get away get away klepto cardio thank you El Paso