This Week in Sportsball: NFL Week Sixteen Edition (2023)

Thank you DraftKings for sponsoring this video. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/utree or through my promo code UTREE.

Two weeks remaining in the NFL season. It’s both relieving and nerve-wracking at the same time. While chess pieces are being moved into place, we are about to undergo a massive purge of pretenders and contenders alike. Ten teams need to be taken out. Who will they be?

We have an idea, but Week Sixteen is still to be gone over in all of its Christmas glory. Hope you had a great holiday, everyone. It’s time to get back to work.

GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (AZ/CO/IA/IL/IN/KS/KY/LA/MD/MI/NJ/OH/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY), (800) 327-5050 or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY).
Please Gamble Responsibly. Call 1-800-522-4700 (NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), or visit www.1800gambler.net (WV).
21+ (18+ KY/NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/KY/LA(select parishes)/MA/MD/MI/NJ/NY/OH/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). Bet $5 Get $150: Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min. $5 bet. $150 issued in bonus bets. No Sweat: Opt in req. 1 No Sweat token issued per day. SGP/SGPx bets only. 3+ legs req. Max. wagering limits apply. Must use funds from cash balance. Must select token BEFORE placing bet. Bet must lose after applying Token. Paid as one Bonus Bet based on amount of losing bet. Tokens expire at start of the last game each day when offered. No Sweat cannot be used to redeem Bet $5 Get $150 offer. Rewarded bonus bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. Bonus bets must be wagered 1x and stake is not included in winnings. Ends 01/08/24 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. See terms at dkng.co/ftball.

The culture you can stop asking that question I’m going to be talking what I talk to sports ball brought to you once again by DraftKings it’s that time of the year when we reflect on the 12 months that have passed hopefully things have gone well for you

But there’s still a few moves to make on the football season the playoff teams are being solidified and January is a time for tention and with draftking sportsbook you can further add to it with a few tenalizing offers first of all new customers can bet just five bucks

And receive $150 in bonus bets instantly for us grizzled veterans there’s the no sweat bets same game parlays are an interesting wrinkle suppose you have a hunch about Green Bay and New York but wanna make multiple bets on that matchup there no sweat bet will save you if it doesn’t pan out

Guaranteeing you a bonus bet just for taking the risk it’s a good sweetener and as always don’t forget about daily fantasy contests if DraftKing sportsbook isn’t available in your state for those that do simply download the Draftkings Sportsbook app and use my promo code “UTree”

While signing up to take advantage of these offers draftings is an official betting partner of the NFL so you can’t go wrong if you wish to partake but if you do just remember to gamble responsibly pivotal match for playoff futures or not this only confirmed one thing the New Orleans Saints suck

Not even the fraud category that everyone throws out there for teams myself included they just fucking suck Fleur-De-Lis is mangled by a bunch of morons that channel their inner Arthur Smith against the Rams Dennis Allen gets called a coward for being too conservative fuck it just go for it

Repeatedly when the analyticle advantage is minimal and then fuck that up with terrible play calling it be awfully nice if his defense was ready to face the Rams attack all day long Matthew Stafford could do whatever the hell he wanted Pucca Nacua and Kiaron Williams could do whatever the hell they wanted

LA’s offense look to be back to their Super Bowl heyday while the Saints did next to nothing with Alvin Kamara whole organization is a checkdown on 2nd and long it’d be one thing if New Orleans was disappointing but it’s hard to feel sympathy for them when nearly all of us were screaming

That they weren’t a true contender since they signed Derek Carr not when the rest of the roster is flawed an injury prone and their coaching staff is full of idiots and of course they try to come back when it’s too little too late wow Derek Carr had a great game

Where the fuck is this been all year it’s awfully cute but with one of the easiest schedules in football alongside skill positions oozing with talent should lead to a lot more than that the Rams will safely guide you into the cold embrace of football hell

Where they all but lock up a playoff spot of their own who dat? a team that needs to rebuild badly oh great now the Steelers bother to show up for a game now they outright crush a divisional foe when the season’s been pissed away now the Bengals turn into a pumpkin after midnight

I don’t know how a team has the most convincing seamless victory in years yet I’m pissed at them for it with Mason Rudolph the Red Zone reindeer starting you think since he would ride the great momentum they had to a win but this wasn’t just a blown tire both damn axles fell off

Jake Browning Cinderella story is seemingly come to an end forcing terrible passes unable to read Pittsburgh’s defensive backups just an all around disaster I don’t know what the fuck their game plan was but it was apparently to allow George Pickens to have a breakout game and Mike Tomlin

The bullshit to another winning season the road was hard in general but the Bengals of all but bungle the playoff spot tends to happen when you can’t stop the run and go winless in your own division it’s poetry as has always been written in the book of the AFC North but seriously Pittsburgh

I’d be a lot more satisfied if you didn’t shit it against them to win teams set sail for the open seas of piracy lads this match is the first of many exclusive to Peacock thank god I can call that attacks right off perhaps the Chargers can use their whole season as one

As well maybe the bills can too the gun from besting Super Bowl contenders to heinously playing down to a competition solo they might as well been high schoolers perhaps one of these days Buffalo will stop carelessly turning the ball over in a normal world the bills would be up by multiple scores

And we all go back to suffering through stupid political debates at the dinner table those debates might be on the merits of Buffalo as a franchise a classic trap game in more ways than one so many damn smoke and mirror situations that are masked by playing an opponent as weak as liquid LA

They’re both nowhere near the potential as a team yet are repeatedly being bailed out by high end talent it’s a very strange situation one that might be rectified the moment they stop fucking the ball but that’s more long shot than foe LA doing anything with it

Dick of the kicker uses his golden leg to take the lead not surprising they blew this right Buffalo remember that they’re playing the Chargers and Josh Allen becomes fire god on the final drive how cliche it was less the bills won and more they escaped their own repeated incompetence I’ll give them

The most sarcastic golf club in the world as I await their impending doom and heartbreaking fashion the Bolt simply got the electric chairs of mercy killing fuck you Spanish I did it revenge worst passing offense against the worst passing defense only one can retain their title of sucker dude

And it’s looking like Washington’s not only holding that belt of shit they’re packing it in and making hotel reservations in the Bahamas next to no one on the commie seems to give a shit and it shows by folding 20 points to the Jets in the blink of an eye

It’s less New York doing well and more just taking advantage of fuck UPS Sam how how do I put this in 2 weeks he’s gone from the potential future QB of the franchise to wondering if he’s even going to get another serious chance his gunslinging abilities are shooting less than blanks

Shooting his eye out Carson Wentz in the clutch vibes and Rivera still trying to win in the blades of glory so Jacoby Preset goes back in for the burnt Faker Mayfield still a 20 point game there’s no way Washington’s coming back into this one with Jacoby’s backup brisket be serious for once

They the Jets blew it what the hell I know their defense has stopped giving a shit but to the point of active sabotage okay this is getting a little too ridiculous for our liking New York’s keeping cell and Douglas around so they’ll get the final drive for meaningless platitudes

Just kick the damn field going in this shit it is 12 NFL season to try to save the day for the Jets from 54 good snap good hold the kick from game that shouldn’t have been close to a game well team should be given else for the spirit of tank ball

Much shame to the Jets I’d be bashing the commies just as hard but their secondary is doing more than enough of that for them we are in the most desirable of all possible timelines a world where Joe Flacco is leading a team to a playoff run in 2023 what a time to live

Those beautiful rainbow spirals harkening back to 2,012 it’s a throwback to a better era Joe Flaco is elite not even the sarcastic elite we were throwing around six years ago legitimately elite the first time throwing over 300 yards in three straight games in his career leading the charge to victories left and right

With his arm you may argue that the Texans are battered to all hell and the magic’s running out but fuck you this is the meme that the football world has been dying for Cleveland does not only all but purchase the ticket to January they stamped and sealed that baby

With a shitload of injuries that keep piling up in their mass grave case get him’s revenge door against the Browns ain’t got nothing on Flaco magic he went to a Saint Louis Rams for so bad he got benched for General Mills part of this balanced breakfast there’s any good news Houston

You might have straw back next week do or die time good luck speaking of the AFC South the Colts crash down to reality hard this week to be fair they’ve been playing way over their heads this season and I commend the hell out of them for it

Whoever in Georgia indie just fell flat on their faces it’s typical Falcons football play like absolute shit against awful teams and it must win scenarios then somehow fall off a perfectly executed game plan when the season is all but lost finally Arthur Smith uses logic and benches

The absolutely shitty quarterback for a less shitty one it was like we’ve been screaming for months is Taylor Heinicke perfect hell no but Heinicke isn’t throwing into triple coverage four separate times again actually using Bjon Robinson and Kyle Pitts on the offense holy shit it’s a goddamn breakthrough

With the defense putting into through hell it’s the Steelers phenomenon Atlanta won an unbelievably convincing fashion for the first time in ages and I’m somehow even angrier at them for it falcons fuck you seriously fuck you you don’t get credit when you piss away nearly an entire season

I don’t care if you dominated get the fuck out of here solidly performing quarterback and a team in dire need of a win to stay alive against the literal worst team in football this should be a relatively easy recap where I make shitty jokes about how bad Carolina is for 30 seconds

Well it should be but I can have no rest but from the horrors of bullshit you see despite Green Bay having free rein on offense against the bottom feeder Bryce Young is cooking a 5 star dinner yes Bryce Young he who is looked absolutely overmatched in the system

The ADL finds offensive and distasteful is looking like his first overall pedigree for the first time all season we know damn well the domestic terrorists responsible for such a travesty Vanilla Joe Berry’s gifting endless presence to the Panthers offense and it’s allowing them to stay in the game

Despite Jordan Love in the Packers crushing those before them a 14 point lead just before the fourth quarter Vanilla Joe Berry’s on the case watch as he moulding calls for a train wreck on back to back crucial drives endlessly surrendering yardage like it’s nothing at all and before you know it

The games tie why didn’t Barry get fired after last week’s shit show again it’s the defensive equivalent of Matt Canada good news for Green Bay you’re playing the Panther so no one’s really going to notice some of the questionable calls that go your way off to the red zone

To kick a field goal to put it away Joe Barry was eager to let his opponent get to field goal ranging crunch but lo and behold they couldn’t get the spike down in time allegedly once again nobody’s really going to complain since it’s the Panthers

And their fans stopped giving a shit weeks ago will the shit stain a Berry finally be thrown in the toilet probably not Seattle never makes this easy if you followed them even in passing you know this to be an undeniable truth things should be a breeze on paper the Seahawks are getting

Gino back from a nagging injury meanwhile Ryan Tannehill is getting a swan song as Levus is out with his own ailment if you were to guess that Seattle play down to competition and gave their fans an endless supply of heart attacks for Christmas you win nothing

This is what they do pretty much every week King Henry’s had a hard season fresh of his worst performance as a Titan he reinforces that he still has some juice left in the tank with his eye god bless it the Seahawks responding kind with yet another failure in the red zone

Broken damn wrecker their defense does stop Tennessee’s red zone attempt so there’s a silver line unfortunately Seattle’s down by 7 and the heart attacks keep on coming slow methodical grinding football is the name of the second half long marches eating all the clock in a feast of the seven minute drive

More failures in the red zone for Seattle go figure but their defense is able to solve the Rubik’s cube at the Titans often so a chance is available to take the lead it’ll take 96 yards in a couple of lucky bricks due to a lack of discipline but the six points are secure

The lead however is not you thought that drive was long try an almost 9 minutes 75 yard display of superiority the defense was doing all right but they can’t stop them now if they tried and even if they could brutal penalties are foolishly extending it it’s too late King Henry rumbles again

The counter and panic ensues now Seattle has to rush and rush they shall scrambling to get yardage and traction but they do get a lifeline thank you defensive pass interference but the red zone is a different beast and they’ll have to conquer it to escape this limbo Smith endzone

And it is caught for the touchdown Colby Parkinson do you ever think about not making this so hard in yourself Seattle it’d be awfully nice if you didn’t haven’t you Learned of the consequences of playing on the edge for so long there’s a win

I guess just get ready for Pittsburgh and move on the smell of blood is in the air Troy has been dying for this moment for a long time yeah Minnesota’s in a must win situation Nick Mullins at the helm it’s a magic grab egg and most of the time

It punches you in the face missed interceptions resulting in crazy touchdowns of the key to his game the Lions may be gifting the Vikings a chance to offend them but Mr Mullins he’s just too kind he’s bred far with the conscience this time he’s giving back to the poor

Instead of stealing from them really awful interceptions of plenty allowing Detroit to jump out to a convincing 10 point lead but don’t fret because Nick Mullins is a grabback sometimes you get some really amazing drives out of it the epitome of frustration yet the Vikings do have a 4 point advantage

Did I mention this is a back and forth affair Detroit tends to Rev up their engines and roar back with several dominating drives an average of seven minutes long a piece dicing a Flores unit Wheeling and fatigue unable to be stopped even with the most valiant of attempts

It’s now a nine point game the Vikings do manage to drive down the length of the field but in the red zone well it’s Nick Mullins what did you expect it’s only a field goal and you’ll accept that now time is winding down and the Lions can bury their opponents

What are unable to truly seal the deal this might be the season from Minnesota and they have to drive with precision under any means necessary two factors at play Aaron Glenn’s defenses forces Helen Mullins s backyard magic on his side the bullshit might indeed be real redemption

Driving coming from the 30 on first down Wallins steps up he throws with the exclamation point what the actual hell was that wasn’t even a fucking shot that was simply a duck that stopped quacking the moment it left the nest remember when I said that you can always do worse than Kirk Cousins

I lied it’s a hell of a lot worse especially with Nick Mullins costing you games like this but their loss is Detroit Celebration this win solidifies an NFC North title for the Lions their first in the NFC North the last time they won a division was in the Clinton administration

First time over 30 years of an aptitude finally brought to rest good work Detroit you’ll get your chance to avenge ancestors past soon enough at this point we know what the Cardinals are team that’s just counting down the hours until they’re free for winter break not like me when I was in school

To be honest sit for the last few days watching movies and dreaming about playing Xbox it’s fine just let Justin Fields get some highlight tape for the offseason if you delude the Bears into thinking he’s still their savior or something Kyler he’s kind of there I guess

Both teams are merely auditioning players for next year and Arizona’s got a long way to go attempting to come back in the end but too late to return from the abyss this is the paper soft schedule that stole Chicago somehow on life support for playoffs to win

But it doesn’t really ruin their tank Carolina’s pick is still intact despite Joe Barry’s attempts at sabotage the greatest prize indeed Jacksonville isn’t just in panic mode anymore they’re simply dead stone cold haphazardly buried in the ground with limbs sticking out necrotizing in the freezing air

I thought things were bad in Duval these past few weeks good lord against Tampa Bay everything’s completely falling apart the offense destroyed their offensive line can’t block anything on Twitter Trevor Lawrence visibly injured and shouldn’t be fucking playing defense they made the Bucks revert back to world beating form

For a second straight week clinging flames from the ether to further secure tank division Baker Mayfield ripped and tore the absolute shit out of a franchise in the Revenge Store from hell chariots of fire rising from the ground carrying a harbinger of the apocalypse on a throne of skulls it took out Trevor

Lawrence’s shoulder while riding around the field just let the dude rest to call this a convincing win for the Bucks would imply that the Jags put forth any sort of effort didn’t feel like they did it all for straight losses Jacksonville’s only saving graces that Houston and Indy both lost

And they play the Panthers next week that’s gonna be an easy win won’t it Jacksonville won’t it ladies and gentlemen may I present to you the Fraud Bowl two teams that thrive on terrible opponents only to buckle at the slightest of adversity only one can maintain their bragging rights for the suspicious title

Will it be Miami wasn’t one against the playoff caliber team all season or will it be Dallas who was weakened outside of at t Stadium neither team wants to be crowned with the thorns of folk and tension and they’ll make it a strong duel to the very end

There’s one concern that needs to be addressed for the Cowboys though they’re awful on the road and their travels their home cooking goes sour whatever strengths they have are exposed to the cold winds of reality that brilliant pass rush can’t do a damn thing to generate pressure only a crewing

One sack against an O line full of backups it’s honestly pretty standard Cowboys need a window assert dominance yet fold like a stack of guards whatever their concern whatever they throw at Miami nothing holds they just can’t get into that extra gear they flash throughout the season

All that’s being traded by both teams are field goals despite the efforts of deck and CD the 6 point deficit Dallas needs to make sure they can keep up with an easy Eagle schedule they must pounce on the opportunity I do get a little help from the zebras but in this scenario

Don’t ask questions just take the touchdown and run they have a one point leading crunch time the defense just needs to hold only one problem the Cowboys are cursed on the road it was only despair and isolation on the lonely trail and it leads Miami right to field goal range

With no time left Miami is in the playoffs that’s an interesting way to get your first one against an opponent in 20 years questions and concerns can be silenced at least for a day world laughs at Dallas in a service to most Americans was far from pretty at the end of the day

What’s done is done their ticket is secure welcome back to the playoffs dolphins ah ah dangers of opium are not noticed until it’s far too late when an overdose of false positives it’s a man there was no antidote for the spread healing powers become toxic and erode everything within

His strength may be fading and could be betrayed by powers greater than him but the hoodie still enjoys upending his former rivals in a time long past his choice of scheme tonight the Three Stooges formation a comedy of failure fumbles fucking of the bone the death of kickers everywhere it’s less defensive slugfest

And more offensive shittering at least until New England strikes with a precise drive New England but too shabby for the lead Chad Ryland celebrates by killing a field goal mine the Broncos defense has lost Vance Joseph’s secret stuff and have surrendered another gashing dry for a touchdown mind baffling

You know how the Patriots make this a 16 point lead because nothing makes any sense this is why I’m throwing logic out the window the NFL did that years ago all that’s left is volatility and madness and of course because we can have nothing seen in this world

The Patriots quickly blow the lead they were never meant to have all I wanted for Christmas was a sports ball that wasn’t the length of Gettysburg we can have no rest but from chaos it is my lifeline all there will be is the inevitable Denver win

An endless hopium that rises from the ground itself the Patriot defenses are buckling and the Broncos right dual punt really Zappy still has some zip left in his arm there in field goal range I have no faith in Chad Riley but how the hell did this happen for the win Sharon Rollin

It’s good there’s a twist I didn’t expect Denver folding at the last possible second to crash to hell after reons of false hope we outsiders also are coming from a mile away but hope he enforces fans to ignore the obvious signs death was merely delayed

A fun swing upward only to remember cold reality the ride never ends you are trapped enjoy your stay New England wins by probably losing out on Caleb Williams and Drake may politics probably not gonna be here next year anyway he doesn’t give a shit but at least he gave us some laughs

Oh my God Chiefs I figured you were right to be up ended in the Wild card round but to pull this off I’m impressed a team that’s supposed to thrive on their offense turned into Matt Nagy with the fucking Bears nearly every single thing that could go wrong for Kansas City

Not only once so it blew up in their faces in unbelievably spectacular fashion it was a comedy show disguised as a football game Nickelodeon should have just added an arsenal of sound effects and called it a day game was lost on two offensive fuck UPS 7 seconds apart home serving up hot Pockets

As he flows around in a circle hoping someone manages to catch a fucking ball Las Vegas just stood there and did nothing and they still look like daisies compared to their opponent the Chiefs lost to a team that hadn’t completed a pass after the first quarter the Raiders didn’t even have Josh Jacobs

Zamir White ate them alive everything shit the bed for Kansas City even the training tables buckled under the pressure a prime holiday shit show reminds me of Ralphie with the BB gun shooting your eye out for local of the week nearing the end of the NFL season

And nearly every team is complete shit and I’m losing my damn mind we’ll see you in January Kansas City Christmas is a time of many blessings these did not take place at the lake in another showing of awful gaming the Giants tried to disconnect their Ethernet cable mid match

But there would be no such luck Philly not only significantly I muscled them but I pushed them in both the trenches and flanks a miserable slug for all of Jersey where they crying to a pot of clam pasta to make homemade sauce an offense that is finally run out of gusto

And palm to season their attack as Philly flies away a hard decision is made the feast of the Seven Fishes has a new offering on the table whacked DeVito the magical ride is over Tyrod Taylor is coming in and he’ll prove absolutely nothing besides missing nearly every single wide open receiver

That he chucks the ball towards on the run you have to understand the Eagles weren’t even good in this game repeated self sabotage was the main recipe in the oven terrible execution only serving to give New York undeserved life seriously they don’t get in their own fucking way

The Eagles win by at least 30 it was that much of a blowout but alas Philly survives not only the Giants but themselves mostly themselves toying with their prey for way too long proving nothing rewarded for playing a bad opponent New York you did play hard and fought to the end we’re proud

Step this way the NFL is going to make you a made man the Foley versus frasier were personified in a match up this is it the heavyweight bout for an age or if you were Shard Mendenhall the closest thing to his ideal Pro Bowl this was supposed to be a championship review

Rock party is a shoe in for MVP is this your king against the Ravens the Forty Niners walked into the ring proud and tall they leave humiliated and bloodied as they fall for every single trap laid out pretty haters avoided in the shadows for this moment and tonight they celebrate their miracle

Rock looked completely exposed in the elements of California being picked apart and then picked off again and again four interceptions into the infant stages of the third quarter Baltimore made him look XFL tear the injury that took him out was a showing of mercy we all hailed San Francisco as the de facto

Super Bowl favorite they’ve been knocked off their perch and in its stead is a Raven their defense laid that powerful bow to waste the Marine is weapons did the rest one of the greatest statements Baltimore’s made in a long time and this is their ultimate chance they take out Miami next week

The only thing that can stop them are themselves two more weeks to go yet we have solved next to nothing a few more pieces have moved into position but very little set in stone two teams clinch two more eliminated yet there are still 10 more teams that need to be

Cut off from the pack only two real contenders remain for the No. 1 seed in the AFC Baltimore and Miami conveniently they play each other next week winner of that matchup likely decides the first round by the Cleveland still got a very slim chance to claim it I don’t know how

But life is strange like that The AFC East has no change but Miami clinches it with a win or Buffalo loss and the other outcome will set up a Week 18 matchup for the crown and it’s spoils yeah see south might be the real Tank division everyone lost same scenario as last week

With Jacksonville still somehow controlling their own destiny don’t fuck up against Carolina the wildcards are still a hot mess Cleveland is all but a given but Buffalo has escaped certain humiliation with a strong run of 4 the 7th seed from hell is still Indianapolis’s domain but the Texans Steelers

And Bengals are clinging onto their rear bumper Denver’s devastating losses all but knock them out of contention yet the Raiders are defying life itself you tell me how that is the NFC No. 1 seed as a new wrinkle with San Francisco’s loss Philadelphia has a renew chance to stick a claim

For that title in spite of themselves Detroit has it in their sights as well but the Niners still control their own destiny in that regard the NFC East is a simple proposition and Eagles winner Cowboys lost in the next two weeks means Philly secures a home playoff game

They play the Cardinals and Giants barring a hilarious collapse it’s theirs tank division at Tampa Bay further secure a home match up against most likely Dallas Atlanta New Orleans are a game back but their best shot of doing anything is in the wild card barring an implosion wildcard spots excluding Dallas

Are now solely controlled by the Rams and Seahawks with LA controlling tiebreaker one game backer Minnesota Atlanta Green Bay and New Orleans in mixed states of being and then the bears somehow not dead yet we have two weeks left and the purge will shortly commence make your preparations now there will only be

One phrase chanted throughout the land unit lost unit lost unit lost unit lost unit lost unit lost unit lost unit lost unit lost unit lost unit lost unit lost field lost the bloodlust of the football gods will never be quenched amen because now they weren’t called involved they were called Joe

Grandpa kick off Hopkins to Pierce still going Pierce Texans need it does Pierce have enough gas he does touchdown Houston 98 yards on the run back