God some of this stuff you you wonder who would ever need it in bulk I mean like watermelons too shake and last time Stewie get down before you hurt yourself shut up you’re not my mother good God are you all right fine why do you ask M delicious I will seriously
Consider purchasing this product oh what have we here may I partake M oh sausage son plan to buy great amount for Samurai buddies sir you don’t have to keep moving to the back of the line you can have as many as you want they’re free what are you talking about
Hey can I have some more sausage yeah me too oh they got a great deal on pianos if you buy a for pass Ross Fishman is that really you I haven’t seen you since College how are you great great wow Lois you haven’t aged a bit thank you uh this 12pack of
Fungicide is for my daughter Meg help me he’s funny that was great is it 1981 ah yes there you are you people at the industrial adhesives Corporation certainly know how to make a tasty glue well then let the banquet begin wa whoo What the the hell are you doing don’t
Eat that for God’s sake don’t be such a nerd look I’m supposed to keep an eye on you if Lois sees this she’ll kill me you could oh crap well Ross I can’t tell you how wonderful it’s been to see you it’s a crime that it’s been so long we were
So close maybe we could get together for a cup of coffee catch up well I don’t know Ross I’m married now well so am I does that mean we’re not allowed to stay in touch with old friends tell you what if you change your mind here’s my
Card hey look Dad they have 12 packs of kidneys yeah but you got to buy the coola too that’s how they get you the bad news is it takes 2 weeks for delivery you’re telling me that we are stuck like this for a bloody fortnite you cannot tell Lois about this oh and
What if I do I’ll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress you said there was no film in that camera come on Stewie it’s time to change your diaper uh mind if I watch and I’m just ashamed of myself Brian that I let Peter’s jealousy
Prevent me from rekindling an old friendship just because it was with a man yeah Peter’s not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other men like that time at the movies uh I I oh this is my this is terribly awkward but I I I I I I wanted
To tell you something oh is that how it is come here you home wck fast don’t do it dad he’s bigger than you and when you went to that concert thank you thank you very much this next one is for all the ladies out there and then there was last Saturday
Night oh look at that handsome man you son of a [ __ ] I can’t let Peter’s irrational emotions run my life I’m going to call Ross and see if it’s not too late to take him up on his offer would you mind finishing up uh sure yes
Yes do you like cleaning my dudy Brian say it say say I like cleaning your dudy Stewie TC you fly the chopper around the island I’ll go talk to the beautiful women and tattoo here will keep an eye out for the kidnappers Higgins we’ll need to have security unlock the gate
For me out front Okay tattoo it’s Higgins what the name is is Higgins what’s your name tattoo oh um Peter I’m just uh uh going to go out for a few hours uh so I I’ll return in a few hours yeah I’ll do it when this is
Over hey Lois can you grab me a beer Lois Dad I think she went out all right then you’ll be Lois okay hey Lois can you grab me a beer oh my God you really Griffin we know you’re in there come out with your hands up fool
Yeah yeah you sure did what the hell is this it’s the new police surveillance van we’re going on a beer run want to join us N I quit drinking I think I might be an alcoholic what oh my God man fooled yeah come on let’s go drink till
We can’t feel feelings anymore this van has the latest in law enforcement technology watch suspect suspect you have the right to remain silent sweet hey let me try Cleveland don’t minority suspect minority suspect danger he’s got a gun device that disguises it as two homeless guys fighting over a wedge of
Cheese hey Peter isn’t that Lois over there in that Diner yeah what would Lois be doing at a diner I already ate take a look oh my God that is Lois why the hell would she whoa I can see your skin cells oh hey I saw your picture on the cover
Of Scientific American you looked great please where my eyes are like half closed God just take the damn compliment what the hell is always doing with another man is it possible she’s a [ __ ] I me you know just on weekends to help pay for her mom’s dialysis as in my
Fantasy you know what let’s just start over hi I’m quag it’s so good to catch up Ross I’m glad I called I’m glad you did too so was your husband okay with you coming here uh yes he turned out to be just fine with it
All right let’s see what we can pick up please don’t spit in my eggs please don’t spit in my eggs please don’t spit in my eggs thank you for the eggs God I hope he didn’t spit in my eggs hey Doug I just spit in that guy’s eggs our
Armies are ready soon it will be time to leave the sewers and strike back at the humans in the Overworld I’m glad we both found someone to make us happy I really enjoy being with you Ross I’m having a great time oh my God that’s who that is not supposed
To go that high damn this itches I wonder who gave it to me probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station last time I do somebody a favor oh God they must have heard me oh God I can hear Me what the hell do you think you’re doing I’m cleaning myself you were clean 15 minutes ago now you’re just on vacation so Lois is seeing old boyfriends huh well two can play at that game I just got to find my little black Book all here it is uh Peter oh my God it’s been 25 years yeah so uh I guess you’re married now huh yeah hey Ricky you were right I was pregnant hey what’s up Pete long time no see gosh Patty the years have been great
To you well I owe that to my better half who Peter oh my God oh my God come in uh what is all this stuff Peter I have been waiting for this moment for 25 years I haven’t washed my hands since you last touched it oh my God that’s
Disgusting and look look I’ve left the toilet just as it was the night we went to prom it’s the little piece of you that’s kept your memory alive but now I have you back oh well at least I still have you you hungry That’s 10 mil over the why are
You holding that infant’s hand we met on the internet shut up yes he lured me down to the park with Promises of candy and funny stories officer you ever hear that super industrial adhesive actually yes we Have Dad how come you keep looking at the door oh Meg you and your drugs huh I wonder who that could be Peter gford my God Dora my old girlfriend what a surprise that you would want to look me up you always thought I was so handsome Peter can I
See you in the other room um how far can you get this banana I can’t say it she’s looking right at me Peter what the hell is this about I’ll tell you what it’s about it’s about you and rash Fishman what I saw you with him the other day
Breaking the fifth commandment Congress passes these things for a reason Lois oh that’s it pet you’re suffocating me with your jealousy I can’t take it anymore I’m calling a marriage counselor I mean I can’t even have coffee with a friend without you freaking out what is your
Problem you want to know what my problem is you want to know what my problem is I love too much Peter what are you talking about don’t you see Lois we’re alive Peter you’re scaring me good embrace the fear Dance with Me Lois dance the dance of life this Griffin I’ve reviewed your
Situation and I have a suggestion we’re willing to do whatever it takes I’d like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored Behavior wow just like that show Big Brother ex except somebody will be watching all right I’ve looked through
All the video footage and I’ve compiled what I believe to be an accurate crosssection of your home life here are the results hey give Chris a spanking okay Chris I’m watching the game you know what to do ow ow this hurts me more than it hurts
You dear di I wish he’d throw me into that pile of leaves hey what’s everybody oh my God my diary I hate you all keep going no it’s step hips step pivot are you trying to piss off the volcano get my back would do you oh that’s it o that
Feels good hey Lois can you give me a hand with this J oh For Heaven’s Sake Peter got you to be honest I’ve never seen such dysfunction Mr and Mrs Griffin what I’m about to suggest may seem unorthodox you gather perspective on your marriage date other the people oh my God I realize
This is very upsetting for you that’s why I’ve invited Hoy Mandel to lighten the mood by blowing up a surgical glove with his Nose boy this feels really weird Lois I know but maybe the doctor’s right this time apart could be good for us I don’t know Lois splitting up didn’t work too well for Pac-Man and his wife hey come on buddy turning blue oh my god get us
Us he’s not budging come on let’s go to cubert’s I really appreciate you putting me up Cleveland our house is your house Peter I’d sit here and chat with you but I need to get back upstairs to Loretta because it’s our anniversary and the getting’s
Good ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow when’s it going to be my turn ow ow ow ow Peter you are welcome to stay with us as long as you like oh thanks Muriel so uh what do you guys do for fun around way and so far no nothing
Has hello hey Lois is Peter there oh hi quag Maya now Peter’s not home we’re uh we’re having some minor marital problems our therapist has advised us to date other people hey Lois you want to go out what well I don’t know Glenn Peter and I just
Separated I feel like I need more time how about now well we are supposed to see other people and I I guess it’s better to go out with you than some sex pervert I’m in okay so Mr Griffin how’s you feel to be a bachelor on the prow once again H it’s
Not as great as you might think I guess I just don’t have the same way with women that I used to that was nice that was nice I I had a really great time with you today beautiful stranger what’s your sign gross I still think you un neque
Though you should try a video dating service Peter that’s how Muriel and I met let me show you Mort St he was so Charming oh my eyes could you please turn down that very bright light live with my mother and I have very low standards oh God there’s blood in my
Mucus what the hell is wrong with you hey there’s the mail oh finally all right it says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect well let’s see what takes an hour we could watch Rita rudner do 5 minutes of standup buzzing oh boy we’re going to have a
Swell time tonight Lois Glenn thank you for being such a good friend and looking after me like this no problem it’s kind of chilly out so I brought you a jacket oh no thanks I’ll be fine please nuriel and I both feel that you need to follow your therapist’s advice and and start
Dating ah jeez Mort I don’t know if I’m ready a come on stud we’ve got it all set up for you to go out with our niece honey come on out here and meet Peter Griffin Peter this is our niece Jennifer Love yout nice to meet you all right I’m
Getting up all right Peter Griffin so where do you want to go we can go anywhere except the Disco they don’t let me in there Anymore ah a crafty Mexicans and your glass candy hey what’s going on there’s but he’s helping that woman tickle a [ __ ] in a tree stop it oh God you want to rescue her don’t you times like this I wish they’d Ed me for stem cell research help me it rubs the lotion on
Its skin or else it gets the hose again H all right I’m going to lower you in I just noticed how often do you see a 17th century well in this day and age hurry up the glue’s wearing off all right all Right we did it don’t oh Susie thank God you’re all right wait a minute this isn’t my little girl hey that was my wife t I Know What You Did Last Summer no never heard of it the devil and Daniel Webster nope Party of Five was that a porno hey
Hey don’t worry about it sometimes you got to do a lot of crap before they put you in anything decent oh the food here is fantastic this is where I took Lois on our first date you ordered a pie for an appetizer oh yeah don’t worry I’ll go
To the John and fire one out in about 5 minutes I should make some room for dinner here’s your table Mr Quagmire thanks hey how about a couple of drinks certainly sir Martini for you and the usual ruy colada for your that’s Jennifer Love hu wow I wonder who she’s here with she
Could at any man she wanted to yeah made lots of room hey wait a that that sign in a bathroom about washing your hands that’s only for the staff right uh technically yes that’s what I thought great oh man these all look good every one of them hey you want
Some bread no Peter is that you Peter oh no I can’t let him see me it’s okay Quagmire we’re just doing what the therapist said we should do Peter I think it’s great you’re out with Jennifer Love hu hi I loved you and Heartbreakers you’ll be on your best
Behavior here you go you have got to be the most vile disgusting human being I’ve ever met and I have never been more turned on in my life hold on toots I don’t care what our therapist says I’m not going to stand by and watch my husband lock lips with with
Another woman now beat it what’s your problem Grandma you are and I only saw Heart Breakers on a plane and a flight was DeLay So the headphones were free wow that was pretty cool Lois gosh I guess I finally understand how you can Get yeah you better run you little [ __ ] I guess I finally understand how you can get so jealous sometimes oh seeing her kiss you like that just together ma’am you dropped your napkin here’s your drink sir and we’ll work on it later I love you Lois I love you too
Peter what a couple of freaks God I need a drink waiter martini and a ruy colada diesel what is it Lassie there’s a fire down at the old church and The Rock won’t return your text or phone calls he totally blew you off backstage at the Kids Choice Awards was he hosting
Or just presenting oh well that’s why hey fellas three more beers and a Johnny wheeler yep man I love drinking on a Saturday morning thank God I figured out how to sneak out of my house has anyone seen your father I swear he was just here a minute ago
Hi Dad I’m a waffle Peter you’re not going to the clam are you waffle now prepare yourselves cuz the sun is never brighter than when you’re day drinking oh I think I could handle I’m sorry for reading people’s mail look one of them scooters you see everywhere what runs by a
App boy if this is what we get imagine what the military has what it’s a perfectly reasonable comment you know know the military had the internet way before we did GPS drones you name it look around guys it’s an amazing time to be alive wers were surrounded by
Wers that phone in your pocket could Power a Rocket but what does the military have Joe’s song made me kind of want to try it all right now to scan this simple code like every middle-aged white guy it’s not I can’t I’m doing exactly
What it said I I do I take a picture or is there an actual person I can talk to cuz it’s not working oh okay no wait now it’s doing something computers am I right no you’re not push off you’re choking me woo Peter where are we going relax it’s our nation’s capital I’m just a fan of History uh Peter what are you up to what I just love our government or at least I used toar wake up don’t don’t wake him don’t wake him I don’t think he wants to be Reminded all those in favor of a giant key ring for our jail sale say I Mayor West four citizens have gone missing they were last seen heading south on a bird scooter saddle my Horse as mayor I reckon it’s my duty to round up the Strays and bring them back to safety he oops sorry there are thank [Applause] Youy all right I’ve been driving for 18 hours someone else take the wheel ah loose opioid oh crap a alligator oh hey would you consider not eating us uh yeah maybe oh thank God I think maybe means no he’s just being polite he’s going to eat
Us well look at that six summers at lasso Camp finally paid off that’s where you learned to use the ropes no it was Ted lasso Kamp that’s where I learned to be nice funny sometimes comedy is building people up I know I know it’s hard to Change yep we’re back from space everyone we did it they know you weren’t in space Peter there are social media posts of you crying cuz you couldn’t stop a scooter but we’re still glad you’re home boy May West is a hero always saving the day one day I want to be
Mayor well Stewie it’s a noble aspiration a good start would be learning about politics and getting involved at school yeah I suppose so a vote for Doug is a vote for Progress oh hey Stewie I had no idea I’d run into the Town Square in the Town
Square are you going to go down the hot metal slide in shorts again yes Doug I made a mistake that how you learn things what are those flyers for I’m running for preschool snack Captain throwing my diaper into the ring all the snack Captain does is wear a paper hat while
The teacher passes out Goldfish crackers sure but you know what they say today snack Captain tomorrow mayor mayor this is just a formality my opponent Noah got foot and mouth disease so I’m running unopposed I’d really have to put my foot in my mouth to lose oh he’s funny
Because word play huh I guess fuad still lives in COG Brian Stewie Griffin is now running for snack captain and I will defeat that jerk Doug well we got our fellas back and I reached my steps today what’s that oh it’s a watch that tracks the number of steps I take each day
Wow wers we’re surrounded by Wers look around and be amazed that pad on your lap could buy a shirt at the Gap but what does the military have he was asking too many questions all right listen rert I’m running for snack captain and our lives are going to be under the microscope
More than they ever have before so all I’m going to say is I just want to applaud you again on your commitment to sobriety what do you mean wine doesn’t count yes Rosé is wine and I don’t want to hear the term California sober come out of
Your mouth hey Stewie Brian I want you to be my campaign manager really what do I have to do you’ll be in charge of setting up my war room and situation room and sex room sex room shh I can’t let Mr dramatic over there know I don’t
Know this is already weird please Brian I need this I need this the way a shoe salesman needs that foot measuring device I can say with absolute scientific certainty that you’re a 10 and a half now let me get you some shoes that still may or may not Fit hey Stewie a little birdie told me you’ve thrown your hat into the snack Captain ring actually it was a tweet I just want to say I hope we can have a fair campaign and forget any past tension between us consider that forgotten like La La Land the most celebrated movie ever made
That suddenly no one remembers mentions or cares about he nailed you I’m voting for Doug I’m too young to deliver a joke looks like the gloves are off but I’ve taken on bigger challenges like playing a game of Paul Simon Says Paul Simon says our
Gar funcle is a loser oh come on Paul it’s been 40 years Let It Go Paul Simon says I wrote all the songs we know that no no one is denying you credit Paul Simon Says 5’2 is the cut off for being really short not 53 you know what I’m
Bored I’m going to play Simon cowl says Simon Cowell says men should wear low v-necks and have breasts thank you for One Direction Stewie our polls show that your classmates see you as aloof we need a photo op of you kissing a baby all right well make it a boc a what a baby of color Stewie what’s going on I thought I was your campaign manager I want you and Chris to compete for my
Favor I will reward absolute loyalty even if you have to go to prison for it and who are all these people College Republicans when they’re not on bar stool or wearing boat shoes nowhere near a boat they’re here I’ve also scheduled a Whistle Stop tour the playground you
Need to reach the Seesaw kids the slide kids and spend time with the jungle gym kids so they know they have your support okay but bring the purel I I’ll make a speech even greater than Jeffrey Epstein’s eulogy [Applause] Hig Stewie this debate is make or break I’ve been working on a strong opening take control early get them on your side and it’s easier to keep them there Stewie would you like to begin thank you my friends this election is about the future of snack time I disagree this election is about
You who is this guy I love him and may I call your attention to my opponent’s actions during the attack on the capital here is Stewie waving to supporters safely behind barricades and here he is with Josh Holly fleeing the riot they help stoke wow what a little [ __ ] uh-oh Doug are you
Okay my God is Doug pooping his pants what a godsend we’ll call him poopy doopy Doug he’ll never shake it he surged in the poles it humanized him made him more relatable well two can play at that game Global events conspire to push us off the front page Chris the election’s tomorrow it’s
Do or Die time what the hell you work for Doug now I’m sorry Stewie your campaign is a sinking ship I need a winner I’m a professional You’ abandon your brother like that sorry but that’s the way things go on the Hill what is that is that a thing no what you just saw was a Sizzle reel that cost me $75,000 of my own money friends told me not to use my own money what do they know I told myself at the time the network decided not to move forward with
It but they said they still love being in the Chris Griffin business Brian you’re a loyal dog and you’ve got a belly rub coming maybe something a little more but first we’ve got to find dirt on Doug all right there’s his campaign headquarters you stand look out and I’ll sneak inside looking for dirt stay focused don’t lick your balls God wasn’t going to lick my Balls My God Doug’s got a file on me Stewie Griffin’s weaknesses shapes how dare he and to think I let him into my innermost rhombus of trust it’s hard to rectangle this with the Doug I knew okay the internet is not enjoying the shape Jokes wait what do we have
Here Doug still uses a pacifier wait till the papers hear about this damn it get your act together down there you cooks and that my fellow classmates is how I discovered that Courtney Cox bleaches her starfish anyway got off on a tangent there but more gerain to this
Election I have discovered that my opponent still uses this are you willing to vote for a representative who literally sucks I think not Stewie Griffin for snack captain thank you Stewie Doug final remarks ladies and gentlemen of the preschool we all know Stewie has a brother and a sister have you ever
Wondered why they are so much older than Stewie where is this going well I have and I did some research what I found confirms The Dark Secret that I already suspected Stewie Griffin was a whoops baby what the devil are you talking about Stewie Griffin was a mistake oh my
God a mistake he’s a big fat phony okay I think I know whose kid that is that’s impossible how could you know that oh I had a very reliable source tell me what you know Stewie a mistake how do you know this because I’m his Brother hey Stewie what’s wrong in an effort to win the election Doug has stooped to the most Preposterous of lies and mudslinging he claims I was a whoops baby a mistake well if you think about it it it is possible no it’s not that’s absurd to be honest I’ve wondered the
Same thing you are much younger than Chris and Meg Lois and Peter had two children back to back a boy and a girl one of each and then stopped and those two were already a stretch for Peter’s meager salary I mean don’t you think it’s a little odd that their plan would
Include waiting 14 years until Lois was in her 40s not exactly Prime reproductive years to have their third child I’m not saying it’s true but if you do the math it kind of makes sense my God everything about this is terrible why do you think Peter keeps
Leaving you on the fire station steps most things about this are terrible come on little guy time to go to the fire station let me just fix my face all right let’s go I can’t believe they never bothered to tell me I was a mistake well I’ll get my
Revenge by using the one trump card every baby has I’ll refuse to put on my shoes Stewie let’s get your shoes on we’re going out okay hold still stoe come on let me get your shoes on damn it stoy stop kicking will you just will you hold still D it stop kick
Sty well so much for going to the dangly shiny Keys show dangly shiny Keys show what are we waiting for let’s go what were you upset about earlier I don’t know I don’t remember me neither but this is amazing what are we doing with this coffee shops Stewie this is Lois’s
Favorite spot and I hacked their system so they only accept Apple pay she’s going to have no clue what to do I’m sorry we only take Apple pay oh what is that on my computer computer yeah and if you don’t have it we’re going to have to take the coffee back
You’ll do no such thing Sean mendz that’s right wherever a Suburban mom is having trouble with a phone thing I’ll be there give me your phone here’s your coffee what do you mean the menu’s online I’m afraid I’m needed elsewhere John Mendes all right time for a little payback let’s see how the fat man feels about having a mistake baby when he has to listen to that same child blast rebellious rock and roll yeah how do you like that old man if it’s too loud you’re too old hey
What’s going on down here I love this song no no you’re supposed to be mad about this I do have an issue with the volume though oh yeah here we go it needs to be louder hey we heard the Ares so we brought punch what now oh no this is
Supposed to be making you Furious oh God this music is making me lose it should we order two cheese pizzas yeah man hey Quagmire Betty or Veronica both oh Quagmire who else but Quagmire hey Stewie what do you want listen Stewie I’m sure whoever broke this whoops baby story to sink your campaign never ended you to take it personally there something I think you should see what you’ve got a secret weapons room not exactly it’s a porn
Room these are impressively organized and cataloged people in the community like things well labeled so I developed the spewy decimal system I don’t want to sound like a square but if you put this level of effort into your schoolwork you could really sore see that that that’s a
Mint conditioned 1983 Kurt Russell Goldy hon sex tape never been opened market value of 150k but if it’s never been opened how do you know it’s the real thing oh it’s a real thing people in the community trust each other stop saying people in the community I prefer not to
Picture that Community anyway there’s one I think you might be interested in this is dated exactly 9 months before I was born you have a whole shelf of Lois and the fat man’s sex tapes I have the camera in there on a grunt sensor there’s a lot of dad just going to the
Bathroom that’s disturbing even to me and I’ve been to an Eyes Wide Shut party sorry sir there’s a strict 800 penis limit if I let you in the Fire Marshall will be all over my back but the fire Marshall’s on that guy’s back yeah but
He’ll get off his back and on my back it’s a great Party hey everyone I’m Peter Griffin and this is my real world audition Peter there’s something I want to do oh God I know that look you’re ulating what are you doing no no wow Louis has strong size please no fine just get it over with I’m going
To be a mom again my existence is Justified the old man’s got quite a meat bag on him huh this was the night I was conceived yep that’s how it happened with all of us Stewie that’s why we’re trash people but this means technically I’m only half an accident yep thanks
Chris it was me I was complimenting my own meat Bag Brian say hello to the new snack Captain you actually won wow congrats Stewie I thought you being a mistake ruin your chances how’d you pull it off it turns out 70% of the kids’ parents aren’t married and 30% are mistakes nobody gets married anymore one kid doesn’t even
Have parents he just kind of appeared sleeps in one of the Cubbies I mean that’s the story I would have told this week but whatever oh and Doug died in a commuter plane crash this morning ah the office party raw broccoli and sheetcake I like when the universe gives me easy
Choices thank you for coming if you haven’t already please don’t forget to venmo $4 to James for the broccoli and sheet cake and I want to thank Paula from HR for saving us a little money by Squeeze farting the last three bottles of ranch dressing onto a paper plate now
To the man of the hour Moses bord Moses has been our night Watchman for the last 40 years Paula I think we’re good today he is retiring so please meet and say goodbye to Moses bordt now I’ve looked through all y’all desk where’s Dave leof my of course with Moses’s departure
We’ll need to begin our search for a new night Watchman and what does the job entail sitting and watching interesting but I don’t know he what was in Dave’s desk anyway I’ll do it you enjoying your walk there Brian good boy good boy what I’m walking you
You’re not walking me I’m not the one wearing a leash my friend lot of information on the base of the pole today that Rottweiler up the street has a UTI oh Luna’s pregnant oh good for her I know she’s been trying Ryan this pole is AT&T not at& P this
Pole is AT&T not at& P potential tweet hey check it out a flyer for a missing dog with a $1,000 reward all right so let’s just this dog kind of looks like me Bo imagine you you paint a couple of spots on my face return me to the owner
And walk off with a th000 bucks wait that might actually work oh is then you’re just going to live with the missing dog’s owner for the rest of your life come on use your head Brian I wouldn’t live with the missing dog’s owner Stewie I’d sneak out while they’re
Asleep and come home then we could split the money 50/50 you know you may be on to something here Brian damn right I am oh some poor bastard’s got a drinking problem that’s your pee some cool guy knows how to Party hey thanks for showing me around Moses no problem p P first things first being a night watch man is about integrity dedication and Ming things you wish you said to your wife during a fight earlier that day who buys a quarter mint chip ice cream you buy a
Pint mut Peter we mut sorry this is all so new hey watch that oh every night watch man has a 6in portable TV broadcast in the middle of the night sparsely attended Oakland A’s game welcome back to A’s baseball the biggest who cares of professional sports bottom
Of the fourth now Tim which Oakland A is batting next I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again Greg who cares oh a couple more things Peter and these are very important first these are the giant Vats that hold all of the Brew’s beer you must protect
Them at all cost wow yep I spent many nights fantasizing about throwing the world’s biggest cake party in here so Peter you ready to become a night Watchman that’s Dave LP off like giant Latina butt you know he do so I said Denise it’s your wedding if
You want to have it Outdoors have it Outdoors did I miss the memo where the mother of the groom is now in charge of the wedding okay now just sit tight for a minute I got to go check on Doris that Doris is a riot 81 she still
Gets her hair permed every month do you know she walks here and she plays golf twice a week with her sister who’s 90 sharp as attack still drives Stewie we almost done here I just needed a quick touchup so I can look like that missing dog we are completely done Brian say
Hello to $1,000 wow Stewie this is actually pretty good at cosmetology school I was the only one who came back after lunch cosmetology school we spell school with a u for legal reasons and a big hello to all our night Watchman viewers on the East Coast time
For you guys to unwrap that six-hour sandwich and listen to me call foul balls fouled off 0 and one bad guys this is it Peter remember your training take whatever you want good evening my good sir we are an all principal drinking group called principles with vices Vice principles ah
So you got it Leonard said no one would get it you hear that Leonard yeah I heard it Leonard’s the principal of a elementary school which in our world makes him my bat anyway like most principles we stole the driver’s head car and have been cruising around town
Asking women if we can have their attention please they have not given it no they have not other Leonard 2third of all principles are named Leonard so now it’s 2:00 a.m. the bars are closed and we are all still quite divorced can you provide us with more alcohol uh I don’t
Know let me check the rules oh ah I don’t know why they wrote the card that way are you sure you can’t let us in I’ll show you a picture of a naked student that’s my son oh well I have others no that’s him again oh oh that’s
Also him okay these are all Chris how about instead said we give you $20 per beer well hang on are you saying you’ll give me cash just to let you come in here and drink after hours you bet it holy crap I’m going to be rich come on
In that was the night of secret after ours bar opened up in the back of the brewery I’m Chris Griffin naked photos were taken of me without my consent and my dad doesn’t care place is packed Peter words really gotten around about your after hours beer operation thanks Quagmire it’s only
The second night and I’m already raking it in Peter what if you get caught impossible I know where all the security cameras are and we got a massive supply of beer the only problem is running this place all by myself you know we could probably help out really that’ be great
I could even cut you in on the action I’m down look I’m a cop and this is technically illegal but I suppose I could turn a blind die if I were to be put in charge of the music done what kind of music you thinking my favorite
Genre songs that yell the name of places you want to see a guy lose his mind put on Huey Lewis is harder rock and roll that little baby wastes no time it’s like oh let’s just hit play on this fun little song New York New York it’s sick
Free Fallin is a good one that song names a lot of places oh sure if your definition of a lot is three R Ventura Boulevard mohh Halland Drive yeah not exactly moving this guy’s needle isn’t it for inet song America is in the second line doesn’t count too General
But the chorus in COK where the Beach Boys list all the islands near cooko the one where they mention the singular Bahama you know not all the Bahamas just the one Bahama oh baby huge needle Mover well who knew running a speaky you would be so lucrative yeah but you guys now that we’re secretly raking in all this cash let’s promise each other we’re not going to blow it on Mistresses and drug habits agreed hey so quick update okay the glory hole kissing booth is up
And running I think that thing’s going to be a big money maker everything in this place is a big money maker I know it’s all going perfectly well except Keith from accounting keeps talking about the guitar in his office hoping somebody will ask him to H he went and got
It yeah I kind of mess around a little bit you know it’s not even so much his singing It’s that every song has a tedious backstory I’ll be honest this next one I wrote during a pretty dark period in my life when I was out in the desert
Staring up at that star-filled sky this one’s called Big Blue Marble see the thing about the desert is God go home and be with your newborn Keith all right Brian now remember I’m the one who found you and I’m taking you back to your family why are you dressed
Like that people aren’t just going to give a baby $1,000 Brian so I’ve created a character I’m a construction worker from around the way named Bobby beino yeah what’s up Chief Bobby beino from around the way how’s it hanging me probably stuck to my freaking thigh
Right now cuz I sweat so much during construction know what I’m saying I’m sorry who are you oh I’m a whole plate of pancakes pal nam’s Bobby Beck Kino you know from around the way oh my God Rover yeah he was wandering around the site where I do all
My construction stuff maybe youve seen it it’s around the way I haven’t heard of a construction site nearby oh yeah it’s there just hop in your car drive around the road and when you get to the way go around it okay well thanks for yeah old Bobby beino was laying drywall
With the boys when he spotted this idiot taking a big dump near my band saw okay sorry but don’t you hang drywall listen up you little cranberry Bobby beino has been laying drywall since you were in pampus okay I’m sorry here’s your money nice place you got
Here whoa what the hell so Rover 4 you thought you could escape from Chase’s Tik tock house Rover 4 tick tock house this weekend I’ll use you for my most dangerous and hum humiliating viral stunt yet and your fate will be that of Rovers 1 through three then it’ll be
Time to find Rover 5 enjoy your last couple of days alive last couple days alive wait no no this is a mixup oh God coming here was a mistake like buying that German plunger Ah that’s good yeah yeah yeah I am worthless I am worthless rber boy punish me now
We got a problem we out a beer crap what are we going to do why don’t you just use the money you made to buy more beer hey so quick update about the Money well that’s the last of them I can’t believe I used up all the beer you guys I am in so much trouble where well well surprised you see me we can’t actually see you yeah you’re still in the shad Shadows damn it hold on well
Well well oh yeah still not seeing you bud maybe walk forward more I did that man H how about now yeah I think I can see you now are your shoes black brown okay yeah I can’t see you oh for the love of Luther vros P the truth is every
Night Watchman steals beer the kids only stealing a single bottle a week over 30 years of course I’m mad enough to admit I ran out of bed from a party once when I first started my plan was to replace it by robbing a beer truck but I can
Never find the right team to pull it off you also didn’t have smash Mouse walking on the sun I’m sorry smash what now every successful Heist after 1998 began with smash Mouse walking on the sun yours didn’t have it hence unsuccessful Heist well that makes no
Sense I’m in I’m in I’m in I’m in well all right Maybe This Crew could pull off the beer truck heist I never could let’s do it Joe’s got access to a police helicopter and I know how to fly I’ll bring the snacks that’s the guy we never
Got we never got the snack Guy Chris have you seen Brian how are you today Chris is a nice way to begin a conversation I’m sorry it’s just that he and I had this plan to make him look like a missing dog and collect reward money but I can’t find him anywhere in
This cell phone is going to voicemail Chris you’ve got to help me find Brian hang on let me get out my rude little boy translator oh you said will you please help me find Brian why yes that sounds lovely Stewie okay Chris your agent said you wanted more scenes these are the Scenes M Milano M Milano man I can’t eat those without milk the mother loving snack Guy this is it fellas everyone ready wait now we’re ready what am I do now we call the weip brewery and redirect the truck to our Brewery why the hell did I have to be on
The roof of It way to go Peter this whole thing was a big waste of time thanks to you hey did anyone unstrap Joe no we did not wait this is where you dropped Brian off this is a tick tock house how do you know that every room in the house is glowing from ring
Lights can I help you we’re looking for our dog dog I think Chase brought a dog to dangerous stunt Beach to do a dangerous stunt no we got to help him did you hear that Stewie already on your phone the world’s up here Stewie your mind’s a prison and only you hold the Key all right Chris we don’t have much time to find Brian maybe we split oh my God Stewie Look don’t worry Brian we’re here to save you Stewie Chris help the the GU right over there with the remote we got you buddy all right Chris here’s the plan when I give you the signal grab the remote take control of the Drone and I’ll be here to safely
Guide Brian ashore got it got it wait what’s the signal what the signal you said you’d give me a signal what is it you’ll know the signal when you see it now go yeah look I hate to be getting into the weeds here but I’m just saying
If I was aware of the signal going in I might I don’t understand why you’re making this into such an issue I mean it’s it’s a signal it it’ll it’ll be an unmistakable signal okay see even you classifying the signal as unmistakable presumes there to be various categories
Of signals of which I am not at all aware mind you hey shut up and get me down just go everybody look up in the sky it’s a bird it’s a plane it’s the lubed up butt mut but M but M but M oh my God I’m sponsored content Stewie give Chris the
Signal oh my God what’s wrong with you people I am a hardworking accomplished author Brian I am an accomplished author Brian I am an author Brian I mostly use my computer for Bella Thorn’s only fans there you go proud of you man hey Chris a thumbs up that’s the signal you
Couldn’t tell me about this bush League Man what the deuce [Applause] a we’re going to crash what the hell is this stuff XY Fire and Ice jelly ooh cuz it feels really good oh too hot too hot ooh it feels really good oh too hot too hot that’s Preston he’s waiting for me in my office time to fess up and admit
I’m the reason the breweries out of beer well it’s been fun Peter this is all our faults let us come with you and share the blame now Cleveland for once in my life I got to be a man about something and take full and total responsibility Preston there’s a black guy outside and
He stole all the beer what are you talking about Griffin the brewery has plenty of beer how’ it go well well well Moses surprised to see me yeah again we cannot see you you’re really bad at this whole emerging from Darkness thing oh sweet Patty leel Peter the brewery has
Beer again because I put it there wait are you one of those magical black guys who helps white people with their problems and then disappears the kind Hollywood had no problem making many movies about until a shockingly recent time no Peter I just use every bottle of
Beer I stole over the last 30 years to refill the Vats you did I always thought my retirement dream would be to move to Oakland but man there’s a buttload of homeless people there but what do you expect giving a Laz fed politics of a California Democrat like Gavin new hey
Hey buddy buddy I only talk about one politician and that’s mayam MC cheese oh I’m sorry so I return refilled the beer and I’m taking my old job back wow 30 years worth of beer in one night that must have taken a while you know that works out to over
1,500 bottles of beer on the wall which reminds me of a song a one a two damn it Keith go home to your wife she’s totally overwhelmed go on where we learned a lot this week but unfortunately we all then died of carbon monoxide poisoning probably because I
Took the batteries out of the detector and put him in an old Star Tours visor that lights up was it worth it I don’t know it wasn’t so Great Indoors but it was pretty cool to wear outside at night lot of head nods no conversations but people are wicked timid after Co Joe’s
The one who found us I think he grabbed some stuff before he called it in I’m going to miss you pal nice stour y when did you he I’d love to chat but I’m a little timid after Co so this is sports where’s the hosery hi I’m a 15-year-old Wild Card well
Let’s get your gun already oh Peter I’m so glad you’re finally doing something positive for your health what do you think about this treadmill yeah this one’s good let me ask a salesperson for help like a complete beta excuse me sir oh oh you’re helping someone else I’ll
Be with you in one second yeah no no no you’re busy I see help him then help her then whoever’s after them I’ll just wait here and feel the running shirts sir do you need help I’m waiting for Josh what the hell pea what the hell is that it’s my
New pitching machine Lois and look it can turn our car into a silly tank watch me nail Cleveland I got one too [ __ ] all right Chris time for your old man to teach you how to swing a bat but I’ve been playing little league since I
Was seven oh that’s all right after all this is about fatherson bonding and not about hitting you in the nuts to get on America’s Funniest Home Videos wait why are you pointing the pitching machine at my crotch hey come on Chris you and me up there at AFV in boxy six button suits
The kings of 1991 just for one night or will it be two balls one strike submitted by Peter Griffin of COG Rhode Island and the winner is fainting groom sent in by Kevin and Lisa tariny of Berkeley Michigan but it turns out the real Dianetics was the frenzy made along the way uhoh stand back the pitching machine is the only plumber we’ll Need A and I’m waking up outside again got to sleep to grow guys got to sleep to Grow oh thanks for letting us stay here Daddy we’ll be out of your hair as soon as the house dries out you know Carter we don’t mean to be a bother why don’t we just stay at a hotel and you pay for the hotel and it should be the Legoland
Hotel I’m not giving you money for almost drowning my daughter and grandchildren besides besides I have to leave town for a couple days and I need someone I can trust to look after the place where’s Babs why can’t she do it I don’t know the ransom note didn’t say
Daddy I didn’t know you were leaving town where are you going uh just some funeral I’ll be back in a couple of days I left food out for the Butlers just changed their litter boxes tomorrow if you think of it a funeral who died just a just an old family friend don’t worry
About it a family friend was it someone I knew all right look I didn’t want to say anything but it was Meredith your old Nanny Meredith oh I loved that woman I was so sad when she quit wow Lois you were lucky to have a nanny my mom just
Left me with a radio possessed by the former owner of our home can I have a snack you’re sitting where I died why are you even going daddy people always want the richest person they ever worked for to attend their funeral they’ll be like oh my God a rich person I guess
It’s okay he’s talking on his phone well I can’t miss marth’s funeral yeah I i’ better go to but I need you to watch the house oh Peter and the kids are more than capable of watching the house kids they’re staying but they love funerals Peter enough Daddy I’m coming with you
Fine ask gas or grass No One Rides free uh I guess gas that’s what all the prudes Say did you know this house is so large there’s a 12C Echo what are you talking about the Acoustics are such that it takes the human voice 12 seconds to bounce back as an echo that’s ridiculous not even the Grand Canyon has you know this house is so large there’s a 12C
Echo ridiculous huh okay I’m hearing it now well next time maybe don’t doubt me when I tell you the Acoustics are such that it takes 12 seconds for the human voice to travel I think we should hang some blankets in the hallway ridiculous huh okay I’m hearing it now guys I had a
Great idea that’s weird that fart was from yesterday great idea Peter listen I was thinking what if we make some extra cash by turning this place into a hotel great idea Peter awesome we’re all in now if you’ll excuse me I have to go apologize to the hotel towels for what’s about to
Happen to him men tonight you will have one last night of peace I won’t lie to you a hotel guest has no regard for your life that means some of you will not be coming back those who do will never be one color again now here are your assignments Anderson your late night
Vomit Russo you’ll be in the ladies room all right knock it off edes Edwards you’re going to be folded into a monkey at the foot of the bed and then on look at Edwards he’s into It well it’ll be nice to have a little road trip together yeah we never had a lot of daddy daughter time when I was young you were always so busy not now kitten a look that’s just like the pond Meredith used to take me to
I miss her so much yeah I could always talk to her when I was having a hard time Lois what’s wrong all the kids at school said I’m mad tv funny and not SNL funny oh Lois kids can be so mean have you ever heard the story of The Ugly
Duckling no well there once was a young duckling who had a hard time fitting in just like you and one day that duckling went off to college and created a website to rate women then he made a hundred billion dollars and minded user data to rig an election wow so am I also
Going to be a billionaire making websites no but you’ll use his site to post pictures of wine and passive aggressively body shame other moms all right for this hotel operation to work we all got to pull our weight around here Chris you’ll be the the affable but dim Bell hop when you say
Help those people with their bags I’ll ask how high Brian you’ll T the bar and doll out Snappy tidbits of advice all right stop by Brian’s bar for some drinks thinks and Winks we can we we can pitch on it uh Meg you’ll handle all the dishwashing floor scrubbing laundry and
Anything else that involves breathing in chemicals and I’ll be the concierge astutely learning everything there is to know about our guests that will be my one task well that and looking out for Dunston’s what Dunston’s they’ll check in they’ll check right in ah and here come our guests
Now first to arrive is Tom Tucker here to celebrate the anniversary of his divorce with his annual Bender Dr Hardman and his overbearing mother they never travel apart if he could just meet the right woman he’d find the independence he needs ah principal Shepherd newly single lost half the school in the
Divorce the librarian never married adult Disney woman first kiss was with a boy at Theater Camp who would one day get beaten up by David Hy Pierce for being too fancy I say Brian do you know what these guests need first to arrive is Tom Tucker here to celebrate the
Anniversary of his divorce damn it I guess the blanket fell down well I’ve got 12 seconds what these guests need is someone to arrange a little romance in their lives and I’m the perfect man for the job after all I do all of Kevin spacy’s matchmaking so you’re not
Interested in having sex with Kevin spacy oh good Kevin’s going to love That hey you know anything about podcasts I’ve been getting into podcasts that’s great I love podcasts which ones are you listening to I really like this one called cereal that was cornflakes or was it the answer at the bottom of the bowl isn’t always what you expect I’m sahig and this is Cereal Dad Dad I I think I mixed up mayor West’s bag with Bruce and Jeff rope badges sadle bags sad so fancy boots Yep this is Ours all right Brian I’ve devised a way to get the librarian and Dr Hartman together you see I’ve prepared a batch of Martha Stewart’s choki scones so when the librarian eats one she’ll start choking and Dr Hartman over there will save her with the heck maneuver here she
Comes these are going to go straight to my thigh now if only I could find a man to do the [Laughter] same is there a little is there a little try Okay remain calm I’ve done this before stop drop and roll oh no no wait no wait I know this
Okay remember your medical training if a patient chokes on food do the tummy squeezy move yeah that that’s It you saved my life oh how can I ever repay you money may I have your attention please I believe you dropped this the blueberries are still intact shame to let something so sweet go to waste oh thank you sir oh oh Brian looks like we’ve got a love triangle on our
Hands I’ll treasure this forever well don’t wait too long it’ll liquefy from the enzymes in your [Laughter] Saliva okay last load Chris will you help me fold these sheets sure sounds easy they’re [Applause] fitted All right I got to find a bathroom because that’s mostly what life is after 60 oh excuse me oh no it’s my fault really I have a brain thing where I go blind every 45 seconds hi I’m Jacqueline I’m mera’s sister really oh it’s so nice to meet you I’m Lois I I am so sorry for your loss Meredith was my nanny a long
Time ago oh is that right oh that well that’s so nice of you to make the trip you see Meredith dark Darkness Darkness just ride it out and we’re back Meredith loved her time as a nanny it’s a shame she had to give it up after the affair
Affair I know we try not to talk about it some rich guy in Rhode Island they were seeing each other but then his wife found out and forced him to fire her so that’s what happened tragic isn’t it she had nowhere to go so she came
Back here to our childhood home of three states away I don’t believe it I don’t believe the Earth is round so that’s me oh excuse me the funeral director is here I’m trying to avoid paying him daddy and Meredith had an affair that’s why she left me oh this is
Horrible yeah I have to call my husband pmid Hotel don’t tell Lois Peter I’ll transfer you the spot Peter smid Hotel don’t tell Mom Chris I’ll transfer you Peter Schmidt Hotel laundry m mom yeah I’ll transfer you Daddy you had an affair with Meredith How Could You Lois honey you
Don’t understand the horn part in susudio gave your mother a headache that lasted 5 years what was I supposed to do yeah I don’t want to hear it do you have any idea what that woman meant to me while you were off working or golfing or
God knows what she was at my piano recitals or or teaching me how to tie my shoes she was the only person in that house who was really there for me and you took her away well what was I supposed to tell you how many viagras and what position six and something I
Call the old pocket knife evening I’m looking forward to the doctor being in o hello there maybe I could see you between periods oh looks like you’ve got your hands full you’re telling me I just don’t know what to do well who do you think I should
Choose well if it were me in this situation I’d just go along for the ride and see what happens that’s it that’s your advice well it’s just what I you know I’m trying to take some agency in my life and you’re over here telling me to just see what happens that’s not helpful
Threesome excuse me not with me with me before we begin our service I’d like to remind everyone that I became a priest after my divorce so yes I have had intercourse to start things off Daniel laruso is going to fight oh I misheard that completely I’ve
Just been told that a special friend of our Meredith has made a long trip just to be here today I’d like to ask Lois Griffin to say a few words that’s the daughter of the richest man the dead lady ever worked for hi I’m Lois Griffin I uh I just
Wanted to be here today to say goodbye to Meredith and thank you thank you for raising me and and and for being there where no one else was that’s why I was so hurt when you left and I always held it against you but now I realize it
Wasn’t your fault you know she can’t hear you right but no matter what happened Meredith thank you for being my teacher even today you’re teaching me that the people you love most of all can still betray you and now a reading from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians dear Corinthians Camp
Is good yesterday we had hot dogs please send strawberry Big League Chew but wrap it in a towel because we’re not allowed to have it amen amen Hey it’s punishment you still have that all night construction crew I need a favor hey you owe me I picked you up from LAX you have to do anything I ever ask for the rest of Time ah there’s our Bell of the ball and she’s chosen a sutor Well you two look happy how’d you decide money but I do feel bad for leaving principal shepher all alone oh you leave that to me I may have one more clever scheme hidden up my sleeve oh my this may be one of my ocular migraines talking but I see fireworks
Can I ask is that licorice on your breath or is that just my licorice breath bouncing out of your mouth why don’t you get in here and find Out oh are we home why aren’t we going up the driveway come on I have to show you something First Daddy what is this it’s yours I had to call in a favor or two but it’s all for you I figured you can come here to sit whenever you miss Meredith Daddy this is beautiful I’m sorry Lois you were right people you love can betray you but if
They’re rich enough they can buy apology ponds thank you Daddy oh no Raphael the old Gardener died I have a story I have to to tell you and spoiler alert you’ll be getting another Pond well Dad I guess our hotel worked out and we actually made a decent profit we sure did son but we still got work to
Do hi everybody I’m your karaoke host Peter Griffin I will be up here far too many times tonight just a quick remind it to all of you that even though we haven’t started yet there’s already an hour and 45 minute wait so go ahead and
Write down a song you want to sing hand it to me and I will let 15 musical theater people go before you remember no repeats we want to give everybody a chance to sing although there will be the same rotation of five people up here over and over doing Duets all right
Who’s ready for me to kick things off and then go third and sixth where’s Dad it’s office birthdays today at the brewery ever since your father was put in charge he’s been taking it very seriously okay Brian what do you got for me okay birthday jokes we made may be
Colleagues but there’s no one in your league boy that’s a brick off the backboard Chris what do you got I drove the family to Disneyland for vacation and when we got off the highway the sign said Disneyland left so we drove back home Chris that’s going in the show see
That Brian don’t be afraid to pull a hotstrings Peter don’t you think you might be putting too much time into office birthdays and not enough into your job come on Lois it’s the one thing I look forward to at work it’s the one thing I’m good at I am to birthdays what
JK Rowling is to now problematic wizard stories perhaps slitherin or maybe Hufflepuff or trans women aren’t really women wait what I mean uh the first two things okay who’s the next girl or boy there’s only those two who’s ready for June birthdays Jun is busting out all over every
Birthday boy and girl who’s on the clock first is Annie from accounting just turned 40 but who’s counting and that old guy Frank down on the dock ladies and gentlemen Leslie ugs June is buting out tin all the Hanah man wishes when out of all the morning glories on the spell because it’s June just because it’s June Junee wait isn’t it November who cares they’re [Applause] Marvelous so I drove my family down to Disneyland for vacation when we got off the highway the sign said Disneyland left so we drove back home thanks I wrote that I’ll show Him I own the school paper get me dirt on principal Shepherd’s car I also own the school car wash children please continue independent play well I go see if I just sneezed my tampon out let’s see any good reads here H what’s this mhm I word this is brilliant now to find my
Mark hey Stewie what you reading something with different cloths to feel no not since uh not since Co I say Doug it appears you’ve got some something on your shirt is that So ha there’s nothing on your shirt it was all a ruse a Doug are you okay oh my God what happened who did this to you Stewie Stuart Griffin Suarez is that true no and thank you for that Rupert and I decided to hyphenate I hope it doesn’t
Make me look like too much of a pushover now where was I oh yes screw it yes I hit him and it was glorious this is your third strike Stewie that means no more timeouts you get a detention detention huh you can’t scare me the only thing
That scares me is a sudden loud noise even if it’s only spoken we now return to Val Kilmer and Robert Downey junr in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang so how did the birthday thing go amazing Lois I’ve even been asked to do a TED Talk what is a birthday I think it
Can best be understood by breaking down the word birth and day where the hell is everyone ah okay now it makes Sense bye-bye Stewie yeah bye-bye whatever Stewie where are you headed you’ve got detention this morning that’s where I’m hied Stewie no detention isn’t in preschool it’s in the elementary school building the elementary school but that’s where the big kids are oh I’m sorry did I ruins y’all’s
Reveal let me go ahead and scooch back a little beep beep beep oh no look at that big scary Scho my God these kids have their teeth and where are their pacifiers how do they ever sleep detention kids are scary especially that fourth grader writing on the board oh that is such a load of Truth a wonderful load of Truth all right birthdays whoop whoop what the hell is this it’s happy birthday to you I didn’t approve this oh yeah well who the hell are you you I’m Preston Lloyd the new manager of the brewery and your boss is that true true yes and I’ve been charged with improving
Brewery productivity and it has become clear to me that the best way to start is by canceling office birthdays effective immediately I don’t know how to stop on roller skat so hang on until I run out of momentum what but Mr Lloyd you can’t cancel office birthdays I’m pretty sure I can
Mr Griffin I like focused productive employees but this is a brewery beer is supposed to be fun I’ve been sober for 46 years how old are you 46 a brewery is not about getting drunk it’s a business I need disciplined productive employees can you be that Mr Griffin oh heavens no
Then we’re going to have a problem but Mr Lloyd you can’t take away office birthdays people love them if it means that much to the employees fine yay I’ll do them ah attention employees this is Mr Lloyd your manager I will now resume the office birthday celebration from
Earlier Helen Dy date of birth 1210 1968 Martin Burke date of birth 1213 1969 JH Christ 12:25 0 0 0 0 you now have 2 minutes to consume cake Hey do you know where I can get a pacifier in this place I’m jonesen anyone here you say that in here you’ll get your ass kicked you’re the something on your shirt kid right how did you know well I make it my business to know you
Got pretty lips why thank you it’s a new serum move over lip balbs the secret is retinol let’s talk later can’t believe the new jerk manager canceled office birthdays it was the one thing in life I look forward to is this manager a noons buttondown man who’s
Also been in the military how’d you know mhm well what do I do take it from a law man whenever authorities have tried to take away something the people find precious the people have found ways around the law they always find away like nature look at that tree bent to keep
Growing toward the sun anyway I’m Joe and I don’t do a lot of these boy wouldn’t you like to know what those little guys are Saying what’s the password fat man I’d like to wish all you birthday boys and girls a special day with the help of The Beatles 1 2 3 hit it the boss is coming and this is our final stop on the tour what’s this room oh this is an unused
Meeting room that no one pays attention to ah well then I suppose there’s no need to pay any attention Okay there was an elderly Jewish Family hiding in there and I don’t know what to tell them well Stewie you’ve completed your detention what have you learned from this experience that your mother’s a
[ __ ] hey Stewie how was your detention Brian Griffin is that really you been a long time it has I saw you this morning the world’s gone and got itself in a big damn hurry you lose track of time on the inside Brian you wouldn’t know you ain’t seen the things I’ve seen preschool
Detention no I guess I haven’t what you doing there got jacked you look exactly the same and yet I got jacked okay time to make this office my own and decorate it with my prized achievements uh let’s start with My Big Mouth Billy Bass with the battery
Removed so I don’t have to be interrupted by that nonsense ah my framed ticket stub from opening night of Independence Day My Purple Heart today for a special birthday’s treat I’ve acquired Marty McFly’s amp who’s ready to rock birthdays yeah there a lifetime of fragile framed achievement what the
Hell Mr Lloyd what is going on in here ow sorry ah that didn’t work ow my bones I had a very good rotation guy work on this ow though ow please stop sorry sorry I I don’t know what to say I’ll call a guy I I don’t know I don’t know
What to say Griffin is this some kind of secret birthday celebration room I made a decision to cancel office birthdays and it was very explicit there was nudity Mr Griffin you leave me no other choice you’re fired fired can I still get paid and just not come no well I
Guess it’s time to say goodbye to the security guards whose names I never learned take care Captain stay golden chief be well Buckaroo bye Franchesca Louise alesandro say hi to Max and Samuel and your sister Eloise for me and good luck with your night courses hey do you have like a nickname
On Instagram I’m having trouble finding You I can’t believe you were fired from the brewery I mean how we going to pay our bills well it depends when you use venmo did I just like believe you that you have the money no right no no fine maybe they’ll take me back as the Radio City rocket with two big Shoes CH Jo should we just get him smaller shoes wouldn’t matter he Butters his Feet Stewie breakfast when did this new slab of beef get delivered my name’s Chris you don’t have a name until I give you one you’re a little young and plump to be in a place like this you need a friend someone who could provide you with protection I
Could be your friend all we’ll need is a big pen and a lighter why so you could burn a swastika and into my butt well you just ruined the surprise you Goofball oh Stewie what brings you by you’re going to give me what I want what are you talking about you know we’re doing this and you’re going to find a way to enjoy It I I don’t like it I don’t understand what’s happening the three sisters have a magic hopscotch board that turns them into superheroes but only at night and never if it’s raining it’s too complicated and noisy yeah it is both of those things and their cat speaks French yeah
Yeah oh there you are rert funny how I never got a visit in detention not even a letter what do you mean you couldn’t find a stamp well no need to mail it now show me the letter show me the damn letter I met a new friend in detention
His name is Thomas the shank engine I think it’s time you two met you want to meet him what’s going on in here you don’t know what detention was like Brian I feel like I aged four years in there on the first day an older boy put two
Fingers on my nose and just took it right off my face and held it in front of me and said I got it I got your nose that ever happen to you Brian you ever seen your own nose wiggling between two fingers right in front of your face any
He never gave it back Stewie what’s going on in here okay you are coming with me they’ve got my nose Brian they’ve got my nose they’ve got my ah this changes everything ooh bubbles a looks like somebody was overdue for his bath time that that’s why you’ve been so
Cranky all right after this we’ll get you into your footsy jammies and tucked into bed ah finally I can put that whole detention experience behind me and just live whoa yep so that’s how your granddad got his back tattoo and hepatitis never share a needle with Ben Affleck how did you and another
Granddaddy meet that’s a story for when you’re older the kids at school were asking if you’re a bottom or a top they should not be asking that they said if that was your answer then you were a bottom who are these kids you’re talking to I would like to have a word with
Their attractive Fathers and that’s how you say productivity in 11 different languages which in hindsight was not a productive use of time oh sorry to interrupt I just came to clear the search history off my computer before the IT guy up he’s already got it boy you’re really all in
On Assa Akira lay off pal this is the only place I can masturbate Griffin just Go oh fat man my fat man Mr Pavan get down from there at once oh fat man my fat man miss Towers get down do you hear me I order you to get down oh fat man my fat man get down every one of you that is a direct order
Do you hear me oh fat man my Fatman oh fat man my fat man oh thank you all thank You as someone who doesn’t remember movies I’ve never seen such an original display of faith in a colleague Peter you’re rehired really Griffin I guess I’ve learned that employees are willing to endure a crappy job low pay meaningless work no upward Mobility laughable benefits packages countless OSHA violations exposure to
Hazardous waste and emotional abuse as long as there are balloons and pieces of cake once a month I guess I can allow that and I’ve learned that every office needs a worst employee that all the other employees can look down on I can be that I can be that guy now if you’ll
Excuse me hey hey Francesca Louise alesandro good news I found your Instagram did you see the 90 photos I liked in a row last night at 2 a.m. also who’s at Becky Fitness 96 and can you tell her to unblock Me well Peter I’m glad you got your job back me too Lois but I am going to miss getting to perform every week you don’t need to be in charge of birthdays to perform you know you’re right Chris June is busting out all over it’s Birthdays oh my Tony awardwinning performer Leslie aams what are you doing here I heard you were singing my song but I think you got the words wrong it isn’t hanana da Baba it’s dawe da daiza oh oh okay and then is it something about Nash Bridges no it’s all the
Little bit of ddes ah little bit of ddes of course now you got it come on June is busting out and Hill all and the morning glories and the F because it’s June June junee bu Is Bravo that’s from the 1945 Rogers and Hammerstein musical Carousel about Carousel Barker Billy Bigalow who romance with M worker Julie Jordan comes at the price of both their jobs if you want to know more about it ask your grandfather who was dragged to see it on
A date and then had to get married to touch boob boy oh boy is it Friday yet tomorrow and actually in Tasmania it’s already ready Friday I thought you’d be more fun Griffin you’ll be very happy to know I finished conducting my employee productivity evaluations I used a system called the determining employee
Advancement duties work engagement intelligence gains hourly test or dead weight and my results show you to be the brewery’s least productive employee so pack your bags I’m fired no you’re going on a business trip with me as my assistant since you won’t be missed at the office we’re meeting with
Our New Jersey distributor in Atlantic City everyone I’ll be away on business for a few days starting tomorrow so we’re bringing in a substitute boss I hope he’s a hard ass but what if he’s wearing jeans hey guys my first name is Dan which is what you’ll all call me now
Who wants to watch ratou [Applause] we Sorry that guy over there tripped me Mr Edwards the guidance counselor yeah the bullying in this school has gotten a little out of hand you must be Heather the new girl how’d you know I was new I’m cooh Hog’s number three realtor I really wanted to sell that house to your
Folks but you’re in great hands with Gil what’s this principal Shephard is directing an adaptation of baz lurman William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet the local Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse is sponsoring it I’m playing Juliet wow you’re Juliet in Ruth’s Chris’s principal Shepherds bz lurman William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet yes it’s
Great but we’re auditioning for a new Romeo the parents of the boy we cast said he needed emergency conversion therapy anyway nice to meet you Chris I have to be in that play nice hat dork that’s not nice Mrs Daman the elderly school nurse Peter is something wrong we’ve
Been here an hour and you’ve hardly touched your penis it’s not like you it’s getting cold sorry guys I just found out I have to meet my stupid boss in Atlantic City for a business trip Peter business trips are great yeah haven’t you seen Cedar Rapids with that
Helms he plays the salesman and goes to a con conference in the titular City there he encounters three repeat attendees who lead him on a profound weekend Journey equal parts hope and self-discovery I memorize rotten Tomato’s movie descriptions you’ll have one meeting and then the rest of the
Time you just party party with Preston but he doesn’t drink I wish you guys could come wait a minute why not you guys should drive down with me all right let’s do it the Rapids rated R for drug use and Mild sexual Conta I’ve never been to Atlantic City let’s just watch
This ad from their tourism Department welcome to Atlantic City the inspiration for Bruce Springsteen’s saddest song want to see brown ocean water stained with gasoline rainbows come on down to Atlantic City love to watch guys with no noses fight women with tra holes you’re in luck and if you’re wondering where
Taylor Hicks has been he’s here in a small lounge with a low stage Atlantic City come flick a lit cigarette at a dealer today published by the Samuel French company New York copyright this Ed mcml XX what are you doing reading Romeo and Juliet we’re doing it at school and
This girl I like is playing Juliet I’m going to audition for Romeo there’s kissing Chris listen acting isn’t easy you’re going to need some help see what I’m doing scarf a high stool one leg up hands clasp over knee engaged and in the moment do you know what this
Means you’re gay an acting coach yes what does a baby know about acting yes I’m a baby it’s hard being youngest always looking for a way to distinguish myself to contribute Stewie I didn’t mean it neither did I that was acting Chris wow you’re amazing do you think you could
Give me some pointers it will be my great honor that was also Acting thought I’d swing by work first and pick up a case of beer for the road then we’re off hear him breathe AC’s on full blast and he’s covered in sweat Lois will be a widow soon right yeah he’s circling the drain and let me guess no estate
Planning would you guys tell me if my car smell this bad everywhere I look I see another stray french fry hey guys I know I’m new to the group but Peter’s not here to defend himself so I don’t think it’s right for us to talk about him like
This Griffin what are you doing here oh hey Preston why do you have a case of beer oh oh this uh it samples for clients excellent idea say why don’t you just drive me that way I can be productive the entire trip it’ll be like greenbook a movie I only saw because I
Believed it to be a book oh yeah you know I once tried to read Jaws cuz I thought it was the movie couldn’t go into a library for years after that guys listen Preston wants to drive with me he can’t know you’re all coming so everyone
In the way back not hiding in the back of your car what is nothing in there except for Lois’s jog bras all right you heard the man everyone in these are Megs we’ve been duped hop in boss if I speed we can make it in 4
Hours you’ll do a steady 55 mph and we will stop to read historical markers along the way oh starting with a museum of black guy mustaches Oh some Hotel they only had smoking rooms and very smoking rooms check it out a stack of pre-written suicide notes all you have to do is sign your name this place has everything I wish there were more than two beds now I’ll just sleep in my chair you sleep sitting up
Joe oh yeah Bonnie puts a falcon hood on me and I go right out I’m calm and no longer motivated by prey Griffin open up guys hide in the shower hello Griffin I’m right next door in a slightly larger room seems like an unnecessary detail here is this weekend’s itinerary we’re working all
Weekend Griffin our New Jersey distributor is threatening to drop our beer in favor of hard Seltzer because New Jersey I need to convince them that we are the best scumbag beverage around if we lose this account we lose the brewery and then it’s time to cast open
The windows and drop to the freedom of the pavement I read that in a stack of suicide notes in my room see you at 1800 hours Peter I better a sh shower because I have no idea how soon or late that is hey what the hell sorry I forgot why
Are you at half mask I’m 45 Joe that’s full mask Chris any good acting coach will tell you that before your audition it’s important to warm up now let’s improv give me location Stewie’s bedroom okay maybe just spend another second on Stewie’s bedroom okay fine and a profession acting teacher again maybe
Just give it one more failed actor I got tired of playing their game it’s okay Stewie after a few NOS these young Bros lose a little of their vinegar tell you what let’s improv as Romeo and Juliet you’ll be he I’ll be she get in let’s
Get in I’d like permission to go inside Juliet hi Juliet I’m not I’m not there just yet all right Juliet is eluding me a little my transformation is not yet complete hi Juliet damn it Chris I’m not ready but you were standing like a girl my
Body work was perfect yes but I still hadn’t touched the soul all right all right even though you’re off to a rough start it’s okay even Michaelangelo wasn’t appreciated until later in life hey how’s Jakey doing he he’s good they got him building arches over at the Coliseum big construction job how about
Mikey yeah he’s um he’s been carving dongs out of marble you know something different Wow this place is sad I’m one of the skinniest guys here guys Preston’s coming Beat it I’m 11 seconds late I’ll credit you the time in our 2-minute break in 180 minutes let’s work pcket Patriot Ale the best carbonated fermented alcoholic beverage made from malted cereal grain for the
New Jersey Market Zing that’s not very catchy I didn’t bring you for your opinions Griffin I brought you for your width now stand up while I project my presentation on your back this is humiliating I got to figure out a way to escape Preston and join the
Guys which is why our beer is the best beer for the Garden State and now for a restorative 60-second power naap you’ll nail this audition Chris behind you fellas oh hi Meg that’s not her all high school theater Tech girls just look like Meg Chris Griffin to the stage please okay Chris go
Time curtain Rises lights up a Story begins and today our story is about a rise ing star in constellation showz major Chris Griffin at the Stewie Griffin Workshop he studied commercial technique and acting for camera and will soon be seen in a local news story about kids who throw stuff at Birds enter
Chris she does teach the Torches to burn great it’s fine Chris the part’s yours I got my first ever response on Tinder and I got to make this happen now are you sure you’re not a baby tending to be a middle-age divorce would a baby be wearing a sheer sham from Lane Bryant
Chris congratulations we did it Stewie oh my God I’m going to kiss Heather thanks again for all your help dear boy I’m not going anywhere my coaching will continue today’s lesson acting teachers are weirdos who always grab your hands like this and you can’t do anything about it no no No this is your him here is to us doing what we normally do but in a different place Griffin I knew I’d find you in a bar I am furious but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t introduce me to your friends as a common courtesy oh yeah uh Quagmire Cleveland Joe want to see
Sebastian Manis calco with us in the Stardust room he’s that comedian who’s always startled by the pasta he takes pictures with no I’m too busy trying to save our jobs go home Griffin you are useless to me and the brewery you will never amount to anything at work oh yeah well you’ll
Never amount to anything at life you don’t know how to make friends or have fun you never even tasted the beer yourself at least I know why it’s special maybe you’re right I don’t quite understand its appeal well here’s your chance For the record I’ve never seen this movie actors on stage I think you mean company positions now this is the scene where makio warns Romeo about Juliet’s angry brother tibble who’s playing mausio uh 10 o bone in ribey man Ruth’s Chris really has their hooks in this thing okay Chris move to
The right stage left hether come forward down stage and to the right stage left back up Chris upstage Chris stop stage go am I scared of tibble yes but Juliet can’t know I’m going to build on that if I may ignore that direction Chris no Chris follow the emotion and take it
Further great note Chris don’t listen to the note take it further of course absolutely take it further but in the opposite direction who’s in charge here I’m starting to wonder that myself if you’re trying to drive me out of my own production you’ve got another oh my first response on Farmers
Only a divorce a in Ohio wants to show me her sheer Lane Bryant Teddy fine the show’s Yours oh man my head is killing me did did we do something bad last night something really bad Preston texted me at 2: a.m. what do we do if Preston isn’t at that presentation the Brewer’s going to go Under Hotel cribs are always so comfy I wish I knew where to get one of these puppies guys Preston’s missing we got to find him that hooker in the bathroom was dead when I found Her okay Preston’s not answering text and the presentations in 3 hours we got to retrace our Steps we’ve been to every strip joint in town and can’t find Preston anywhere we hit uggos with a z at the end Jersey girls with a Z on the end C-sections with a Z on the end I think we can all agree that the Z on the end takes sexy
To the next level and when the Z is a little tilted on the Sign o la Hey do you remember seeing us last night with a dignified black man getting a little tired of you punching that word no just you four but that pilot there said he’ pay for my college that doesn’t
Sound like me suya Community College oh yeah that yeah that sounds like me I really like working with you Heather me too Chris by the way if you want to go in for a real kiss today I won’t stop you places everyone and I want to see acting today no more Amateur
Hour oh Romeo I don’t believe you again oh Romeo bring it down oh Romeo bring it up oh Romeo can we get a sip of water for our actress she’s sounding a little smacky that’s it I quit I am too pretty and Rich to put up with us she is Rich
Her dad owns a bunch of Ruth’s Chris steakhouses Stewie you ruined everything I was finally going to kiss a beautiful nice girl she had my heart and I had hers why must dark Forces conspire to extinguish Love’s light everyone we finally have our Romeo thanks Stewie but what about
Juliet don’t you worry ruths Chris’s Stewie Griffins principal Shepherds Bears lurman William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet what was the question I I don’t Remember hello I lost my boss so I’ll be your substitute presenter today but no watching Ratatouille we don’t get that joke which references something from earlier the importance of pet Patriot Ale products in relation to the greater New Jersey Market as prepared by Preston Lloyd I’ve already lost him what can I
Do I need a beer ah much better wait a minute that’s it look you’re not going to understand beer with numbers of power points beer is good because it makes you feel better and do awesome things you wouldn’t normally do beer makes memories that will last until you
Black out and when you forget there are no regrets beer is courage the courage to Moon people from a not moving car beer helps you achieve New Heights a top to show ERS of unwilling strangers in a chicken fight beer makes you grab the brass ring or a taser of a casino security
Guy but if you won’t listen to me listen to Supreme Court Justice Brett kavar I liked beer still like beer beer is great because life is hard don’t make it harder with S oh my God you’re cheering me no we just saw a picture of bonji on the wall behind you but you still W us over Pock at Patriot Al will stay the choice of New Jersey Alcoholics Preston you’re alive yes and thanks to you so is our company but how are you even standing Peter I had one sip found it disgusting then watched you get totally annihilated in 3 minutes flat I realized only a true drunk could save the brewery that’s why I sent you
That text last night I spent the morning enjoying all four Monopoly railroad properties I Love Trains I’m on the Spectrum why didn’t you respond to texts looking at trains Love Trains I also love watching an employee go from least productive to well kind of productive Thanks for believing in me
Preston hey you want to go down to the pier and watch the bodies float in I’d like that oh there’s one a that bird is going to town on him oh there’s another one with no hands and no feet what do you think it is Russians always the Russians how
Come the bodies are all so fat they’re full of water Peter is that why I’m so big on account of the water no Peter you are aggressively obese you have no self-control if you don’t change your ways you are going to die prematurely oh look a lady yes Peter a Lady here’s to my love oh true Apothecary thy drugs are quick thus with a kiss I die oh no Romeo’s dead now he can’t enjoy Ruth’s Chris Steak House’s surf and turf two for one Fridays you did it the son of a [ __ ] did it look at this Brian genderless baby
Announcement it’s a they good for they I’m getting my friend a birthday card in Spanish but he doesn’t speak Spanish he’s not going to know what it says oh you’re bad I know I think I’ve earned whatever Miss shap and Reese’s product is by the
Cashier oh my God Brian look a fera Bok movie oh no way you remember last week when I said I wonder what ever happened to fua Bok I do and now this the world’s crazy this looks terrible you need to get out of here Brian the urine soaked
Hairs on the end of your penis are very offputting to the other customers that’s not urine that’s saliva go on scoot get out of here or I’ll do the clich Pharmacy price check jokes you wouldn’t dare yes I need a price check on extra small condoms that’s the last thing he’d want to
Announce can you believe he threw us out that’s discrimination it’s just like what happened to those blacks at that Starbucks those blacks discrimination is a Scourge Stewie it just makes me so angry well then do something about it you know what I will I’m want to throw a rock at
His window oh hey Carmen Gia I like those all right here we go thank you Brian that was the last Munich gunman you’re a hero a hero I I guess I am a hero oh nice wonderful doggy we are going to throw you the craziest party do we have a hot
2 L of closet Pepsi we do and I can bring plant’s peanuts that were open a dozen years ago perfect and I have half a graduation cake we just have to let Thor party a Jewish party with lots of old food in a Ply lit room
O oh my God Peter look at this she actually wore this to an award ceremony huh oh yeah crazy unreal Peter look look Peter look Peter Flats hm Flats look at this picture of shayene Woodley she’s so talented and overrated and weird I love her isn’t a haircut
Cute maybe I’ll get my haircut short too no no no way I forbid it what you can’t forbid that yes I can that’s the one thing men are allowed to control about women that in your uterus and how much money you make and also everything else peanut that’s stupid it’s a fact Lois
The only woman has ever looked good with short hair is Halle Berry’s boobs establishing shot Peter you can’t establishing shot we’re here with Local Hero Brian Griffin who recently foiled a robbery at Goldman’s Pharmacy which by the way is getting its ass kick by the CVS across
The street welcome Brian so what does it feel like to be a hero well let me say that even though I am a hero you don’t have to call me one I’m very comfortable with first responder or if you like veteran Soul Brave how has this incident
Changed your life it hasn’t I’m still the same humble public servant I’ve always been but there are perks this morning I was honored by a local business thank you Brian and to show our appreciation you get the first meal at coh Hog’s newest Sizzler location oh no
No no no no no no no that’s fair can you at least read what’s on this card sure Sizzler the the worst version of your favorite meal so what’s next for you Brian well I’ll be at Barnes & Noble this afternoon signing copies of dpack chopra’s seven spiritual Laws of Success
Well congratulations Brian and thank you for your service coming up I get all anxious and weird when the new good-looking intern brings me my coffee and here’s Jeremy with magogo juice and my phone’s been blowing up since that interview you should hear some of my voicemails hello Brian this
Is Barack Obama not the hobo who lives at the warf um you did a good job and I can’t read that I’m proud of you I’m proud of you thanks for the $2 no way let’s hear the next message hey Brian it’s uh well it’s Shredder
Remember me I know it’s been a while but I saw you on TV and I was just hoping we could get together I’d love to catch up so um call me back oh my God Shredder he sounds like a ski instructor with a full beard who plays average guitar and never
Texts me back he’s a dog I used to run with back when I was living on the street haven’t heard from him in years I’m actually surprised he’s still alive he just drank all the time and tried to get laid hard to be friends with someone
Like that yes it is you going to see him if I have time wow the rock boy they’re coming out of the woodwork today you’re angling your phone so I can’t see it Dwayne Johnson only his friends know that’s his real name still can’t see it I’ll call him back later Oh excuse me sir but this is a private residence Peta it’s me I got my hair cut isn’t it fun what oh Lois it’s not fun you look like Anne Hathaway in Lay Miser don’t you ever compare me to an Hathaway ever are you right you’re right I’m I’m I’m
Sorry with my boobs and your hair everybody’s going to think we’re a lesbian couple why do you want to meet in the park we used to live here I’m assuming he still Does Brian ha so good to see you what Shredder is it really you it’s really me I I I don’t what is all this yeah sorry about meeting in the park it’s the only place I can land this thing uh Shredder I think you pinned Tom Cruz under your
Helicopter I was hanging on I do all my own stunts I can’t stop doing stunts my whole life is a stunt yeah yeah we know hey you want to take a personal it test the same answer as always no thank you I’m not going to stop asking I know
Good to see you Stewie good to see you tiny Tom Cruz thank you he likes to have the last word be well see [Applause] Bye Shredder up I can’t get my head around all this yeah it took me a while too believe me and I go by George Townson now oh okay George George Townson you you want me to say both I do you know how Beyonce does the one name
Thing I do a two- name thing it’s one more than Beyonce why don’t you take her name out of your filthy whole mouth wow how’d you get all this I worked my ass off I’m a tech entrepreneur I’ve written 11 best-selling books and I was the NBC executive who suggested we Assault The
Nation with Chicago themed programming I hear they’re working on Chicago Seinfeld what’s the deal with the south side of this town don’t say it Kramer so Brian do you want to know how I did all this I really do I got neutered but why getting neutered eliminated all distractions and allowed me to focus solely on my work sometimes you have to literally cut out the things that hold you back man with no
Distractions I could just spend all day in hear reading I love that book Charles Dickens by David Copperfield writing was his real Magic I just don’t understand one minute I got a hot Ginger wife and the next I’m married to Ron Weasley d wears a wig so I’ve never even seen her real hair but I would imagine it looks like an old faded sweater that needs to be deed I haven’t
Touched Bonnie’s Hair in years it’s way high up there well since Lois did something to her appearance that you don’t like you should do something to your appearance that she doesn’t like Quagmire that is pathetically shallow and vindictive I love it I’m going to make myself harder to ignore than an
Amateur photographer okay this is hilarious so I’m sitting in my office at work when the fire alarm goes off um what what was I saying fire alarm right right right okay this is so funny so the fire alarm goes off hey hey friend friend friend can can
You just no not not right now where was I fire alarm at work oh right you know what just forget it the punch line is it was 911 well yeah it’s not funny Now scoot over Stewie George Townsen was wrong and I’m going to prove it I don’t need to get neutered to be productive I’m going to write an inspirational book about my life and I’m calling it The Holy brial please don’t here we go blank page world of possibilities and you’re watching porn
Oh my God two clicks and I instinctually went right to porn maybe George Townsen was right maybe I am easily distracted oh don’t be so hard on yourself it’s okay to be easily distracted that’s what saved Warren batty and Annette benning’s marriage Annette let’s have sex or you
Could watch Blue Bloods and have a pudding cup H go get them Blue Bloods good evening Lois oh my God Peter what the hell are you wearing jeans just Je jeans you like it no you look like you’re going to a custody hearing in Florida oh really because I think it’s a
Fun look just like your hair okay I see what you’re doing good so we agree that your haircut is stupid what no I love my haircut then I love this look as a matter of fact I’m going to add this free Fandango golf visor I got when I
Snuck into to see I feel pretty fine you want a war Peter let’s go to war let’s do it Tallahasse Family Court calls Peter Griffin here youor look who’s all dressed up I just want Skyler Back Tesla Apple SpaceX Kendrick Lamar drone technology Hemingway wow that was the coolest phone call I’ve ever heard my life is pretty cool Brian walk with me you know I wish I could spend more time with you today but I’m late for a video conference with Nicaraguan president Daniel
Orga listen I need to talk to you about something I was thinking about what you said the other day and I think you might be right about what I’ve always believed I was destined for a life like yours but something was holding me back and now I realize it was two
Things my balls are the things no I got it George Townsen I want to get neutered I’m proud of you buddy it’s going to be great I’ll finally be able to beat that guy who fights dirty in my karate class surprise now take this hi you can’t use a sword Sensei Dan he’s
Using a sword no swords Guys Ryan are you sure sure about getting neutered I am you’ve seen everything George Townson accomplished that’s the life I’ve always dreamed of yes but how much do you really know about him have you read his books of course I’ve read his books they changed
My life look Stewie this is a huge step for me and if you can’t support me well then maybe I should cut you out of my life too Brian that’s a closet I know I have stuff to do in here well nothing left to do but binge watch
Ken Burn’s history of jazz what the rhythmic Drums of the Congo 300 years later Charlie bird Parker but how did we get there Oh Lis what are you doing here did someone die do I get to go home early well Peter since you were having that jeans fun I thought it might be fun to come by and sell some of my homemade jewelry to your co-workers during lunch
What Lois you can’t do that once a guy’s wife sells something in the break room no one ever looks at him the same two years ago Bentley’s wife made him hang a signup sheet to sponsor her in an AIDS Walk and we’ve hated him ever since don’t look at me
Bentley well Peter all you have to do is say you like my haircut and I’ll leave never Su yourself every everyone I’m Peter Griffin’s wife I took a jewelry making class last month with a group of preschool moms and now I’m going to do it as a
Career hey you want a half of my sandwich oh yeah very cool Bentley who made this my wife oh you your wife with AIDS she doesn’t have AIDS she did a walk for people with AIDS but presumably there were people who had AIDS at the
Work yeah but you can’t get a no on the sandwich Bentley greetings Lois oh my God Peter you’re going to make me vomit I’m just getting in some size That’s What I Call exercise now size oh God Peter please put that thing in the garage and change your clothes oh I’d be happy to Lois but I’m not doing
It because you said I’m doing it because of the mean seventh graders who been chucking footballs at me all day there he is let’s get that fat dork I’m home home is safe home is safe I see you found all of George Town’s books that was fast yep got my
Own system I call it the Stewie Decimal System Stewie you’re going to make me spit out my saltwater taffy [Laughter] oh my God Brian’s in trouble Stewie I’ve got to have you around here more often oh I think you’ll find me here periodically there’s homeless sperm on This where are the glasses I moved them what why I moved everything all the glasses the bowls the plates nothing is where it’s been for the past 17 years nothing I’m going to become a DJ I’m going to hire a life coach I’m going to make one political donation
With your email address so you’ll be screwed for life I’m going to rededicate my life to Christ oh that’s really bad I’m going to start a podcast that has no focus and it’ll take up an inordinate amount of time I’m going to constantly complain about my fibromyalgia you know
Don’t have fibromyalgia no one does every time a waiter tells me their name I’m going to use it I’m going to get really into Halloween like really into it gross I’m going to wear a denim shirt with the Looney Tunes guys embroidered on it to church every
Sunday so what do you think of my haircut now it’s ugly I hate it How you feeling buddy good nervous but strangely excited I haven’t been totally honest with you I was never neutered but you’re about to be what no save me Sensei Dan no neutering Guys why are you doing this what did I do to you that was so bad you abandoned me you promised we’d be there for each other forever and the minute Peter Griffin came along you just got in his car and left me I was going to come back
And get you and and then and then Trump happened and and all that liar if want to cut your balls off for years but the fact that you’re choosing to do it yourself is so much more satisfying but I’m not choosing to do it myself I love my balls they smell awful Stay back Stewie you saved me oh well almost what is it oh my God they got one or you still have one maybe you should be a scrotum half full guy how did you know what he was doing I read his book there is no greater motivation than
The destruction of an enemy and my enemy is Brian Griffin one day I will convince him to cut off his own balls and that will be my greatest accomplishment you said his books changed your life but you didn’t even read them this is why you’re nothing I’m sorry okay yes I abandoned
You and I didn’t go back to find you I’m a bad friend I admit it but did you ever think that you should be thanking me thanking you for what for everything you have your hatred for me is what motivated you your whole life without me
None of this would have been possible I made you you’ve already got one of my balls isn’t that enough you know what Brian it is enough you’ll probably keep it in a trophy case or something oh no I ate it already dogs are gross thank you Stewie
You really saved me my pleasure Brian well the good news is we can give you a prosthetic the bad news is it’s one of the Bells from a Jester’s hat there’s no brain activity so we’re going to harvest his Bells we understand why did the king have to hit him so Hard so anyone want to ask me about my week kind of a big week for the mster big envelope in the mail yep early admittance day one August 26th Clean Slate closing credits congratulations on boting Meg closing credits oh we’re done fear but fear itself the only thing
We have to fear is fear itself and also bees or when a man has a beard and then shaves it cuz I don’t recognize him immediately if I watched him shave it it would be different if I saw the process and there’s this guy Hitler we should
Probably keep an eye on but mostly bees it was also the height of prohibition water a Selzer anyone which of course meant drinking was very cool and everyone did it all the time and of course there was racism a lot of it it was horrible except for the laundromat
Which served everyone thanks for doing my undergarments they were really nice so who am I the name’s Mac Mac Book proo and I’m a private dick a very private dick and don’t Listen A My office was in the cocaine Cola building all the businessmen there had ideas for other businesses well Mac what did you find out now hold on it’s 8:00 a.m. and we’re two men in a room let me fix you a drink so I tailed your wife sorry pal she’s having an
Affair ah too bad I guess she’s the maple but I’m the sap there you go you’re going to be okay but it’s 8:00 a.m. and you’re a man about to get in a car let me fix you another drink thanks Mac I owe you one Mr book proo
Yes Miss Pat bottom oh Mr book bro my secretary Fanny Pat bottom she’s my girl Thursday she has choir practice Fridays she’s uh not available to me then now a couple of items of business first we’re going to have to postpone today’s tangling of the Venetian blinds I think
We’re going to have to start sending the schedule the night before also there’s a woman here to see you may I come in Mr book proo I’ll never forget the day she walked through my door God damn it and this was the smallest brim they
Had the name’s H he tooth graze she was the type of girl who really left a mark on you please have a seat do you mind if I don’t smoke I’m afraid I do totally understand so we’re two people in a room at 8:04 a.m. let me fix you a
Drink so Mr book proo I’m here because my daughter is missing she’s a nun frankly we weren’t that close I gave it to the church after my husband died in the war so will you take the case I wasn’t sure I could trust her but I
Needed the dough my rent was two bucks a month and I still owed 50 cents on my car since the missing girl was a nun I decided to start at the church greetings my son Cardinal St Louis likely bad guy macbookpro sorry to bother you about a case Padre you want
To talk here or should I come inside your rectory okay Groucho calm down I’m here looking for a nun recognizer of course that’s sister Megan she runs the church orphanage and how about this photo I don’t know any dunking photo where you don’t see the ground is very
Suspicious I see so when was the last time you saw the sister in the church Garden wearing giant nun boots and trying to step on squirrels yeah that checks out if you think of anything here’s my card to my beloved niece oh and he wrote his own note
Instead of just signing his name I like that guy now he cares hey Mac well if it isn’t my old pal red Wier red was the best newspaper guy out there except when the newspaper was rolled up then he was kind of scared so what’s got you sniffing around here
Today Pho same as you pal sister Megan I heard you talking to the Cardinal well get this she called me a few days ago and said she had a big story We were supposed to meet at a Speak Easy but she disappeared before we could get together
A none at a Speak Easy that doesn’t figure maybe we should check it out you got it say can we go to the next scene with one of those cinematic sideways wipes they used to do in the 30s I don’t know I did a sideways wipe this morning
I don’t recommend it not a good way to make friends on the trolley what’s the word bird bird is the word welcome to the sunken clam what can I get you fellas two this period Fashions please we’re looking for a girl who was supposed to show here you
Ever seen her doesn’t ring a bell well no one has any idea what happened to her not even a boss the Cardinal the cardinal let me tell you that priest is a shady cat I heard that when the state voted on prohibition he rigged the vote to get alcohol banned I tell you
Something’s going on at that church and I’m not going to rest until I get to the bottom of it yeah I’m with you pal two more black girls recently went missing maybe you can look into that too oh boy you know I am just so busy with this in
Paperwork with the case heating up I decided to visit my friend down at the station I hadn’t been back since they kicked me off the for for years they’ve been letting horses poop on the street but I do it one time and I’m out but I still had one friend
There my old buddy Ace Ace Hardware so Mac what brings you here looking for a girl a girl huh yeah you know a skirt a bird a Twist a round heel I spent most of my time at the library looking up synonyms she’s a Nun Sister Megan I
Think the Cardinal had something to do with her disappearance the Cardinal I’d be careful if I were you he’s a heavy hitter in this town Big Cheese a head honcho a real butter and Eggman I also spent most of my time at the library looking up synonyms if I were you I’d
Wheel away from this one wheel far far away the CPS and a cardinal were both dead ends I was starting to wonder whether the sister was even missing and then a couple of friends pulled up they cornered me and kiss the alley the widest alley in Cog hey M fancy
Meeting you here well if it isn’t bogy and B I hear you’ve been snooping around The Disappearance of a nun well I didn’t mean to ruffle anyone’s feathers o again you used to be smarter than this Mac before you got kicked off The Force you
Knew how to play ball but now here we are luckily they let me go with a warning my shadow wasn’t so lucky my cop friend told me to stay away from the case and I was starting to think he was right but then I got the call I’d been
Dreading hello American dad’s been picked up for three more seasons God when do I get a weekend then I got another call they found sister Megan well one thing’s for sure we got a killer shark on our hands close the Beaches I can’t believe my daughter’s dead Doctor are there any leads from the body anything they can tell us who did this well not yet but I’ve sent some DNA samples to the lab when do we get the results about 65 5 years nuts I did find
One thing though there was a roll of camera film hidden in her waistband thanks Doc maybe it’s a clue no problem Mac but there is one more thing uh oh no no I lost it oh dear what am I going to do my daughter’s dead and I’m single who wants
A woman without a child I think you got that backwards listen it’s been a long couple of days what do you say I take you out tonight we’ll go to the Supper Club Mr Book Pro what kind of a private dick are you the kind it was a public one until he got
Arrested in the Park say I notice you’ve only had three scotch and five cigarettes something wrong I don’t know I still can’t believe you drove us here in a fudge packet stop calling it that it’s just a dark brown car so you got a light I got a lot of
Lights but nowhere to plug them in maybe I could help with that you help me I’m going to busted out crying I hope you got a hanky I’ll bring the hanky you bring the Panky you’re awfully quick with the wit Mr book I hear you’re quick
With the feet you could say that I was a lead dancer in the Nutcracker huh must be a ballet about my ex-wife divorce was new and I was the first guy to make that Joke good morning Mr Buro so I’m turning 21 tomorrow and my parents are throwing me a miserable spinster party care to attend no thanks Miss Pat botom me and my Vaudeville group have a show but if you maybe want to stop by no no no no no
No no say cream cheese we hadn’t realized that just cheese would work hey Mac I developed that film you found on the girl what it’s the Cardinal with Mobsters how do you know they’re Mobsters what other Italians can afford Italian shots I wonder why a cardinal would meet with
The mob well maybe they were in cahoots sister Megan discovered it and that’s why the Cardinal had her killed good thinking Miss Pat botom let me give you a raise Mr book proo I don’t know what to say hey Mac there’s a couple more photos including the Cardinal with some
Broad what the rumpus that’s headyy I wonder what her connection is to the Cardinal why don’t you just call and ask no way we just went out which means I got to wait 3 days at least the Cardinal was definitely up to something fishy and I needed to find out
What luckily I knew just a guy to see not so fast Carol Carol is a very acceptable man’s name for this time period that’s a very defensive response for something I didn’t bring bring up everyone knows your dumb muscle for the mob tell me what you know about the
Cardinal sorry pal I ain’t talking I’ll give you a peac coat to wear at the Docks call her up it’s a peac coat isn’t it will the buttons have anchors you want anchor buttons start spilling what’s the connection between the mob and the Cardinal the mob works with the
Cardinal cuz he’s the biggest Bootlegger in town he sneaks in booze from Italy aboard Church ships and because the contents are supposed to be religious no one checks what but the Cardinals against alcohol he even rigged the vote to get it banned wake up he didn’t rig the vote because he’s against drinking
He did it so we could have the market all to himself it was a ruse a sham a snowjob pure hok them all the way nothing but pork pie I also spent most of my time looking up synonyms I’d have to figure out H’s involvement later but first it was time
To pay another visit to the cardinal hello Padre funny I’d find you here in the church bathroom this is the confessional well then I have something to confess oh Mother of Mercy how much mutton do you eat hey you’re supposed to be forgiving this is a safe space and
Anyway father you’re the one who’s going to do the confession today for the murder of sister Megan o the truth hurts doesn’t it cardinal what the rumpus free Ace thank God somebody just stabbed the Cardinal and ran out the back door and they stole all the Cardinals Andy candies and put them
In my pocket nice try Mac we got an anonymous tip that a heavy set man entered the church with a knife and funny thing we got that tip right after getting the ballistics report on sister Megan’s Murder She was killed with your gun what well you don’t think sorry I
Have to take you downtown dinner in a show no Mac cuff them come on Ace you can’t send me to the hoow the big house the gry bar saloon the stir and take his thesaurus what I need that it’s important just you know very very very very important
Hey Mac you made bail really who in this town has $3 listen here Mac I know you were framed and I want you to figure out who did it so I can write the story yeah it’ll be Front Page News well not not front page a giant gorilla in Manhattan
Just escaped its restraints and kidnapped a lady oh my stars but either way you’ll get your story I’ve got a pretty good idea who set me up taxi where too his whole face had been blown off in the war probably left it somewhere in a French Countryside hey guys did you go
Home did we win at Least going somewhere Angel Mac well I thought you were in jail yeah for the murder you committed admit it you never had a daughter you were bootle in with a cardinal you killed the woman who found you out and then you killed a cardinal so you could
Have all ad do to yourself and you decided to frame me for it while also making me feel very bad about my erectile dysfunction well you did call yourself the Big Mac but look I didn’t kill anyone everything I told you was on the level sister Megan is my daughter
And I hired you because someone slipped your card under my door well princess if you’re so innocent why you skipping town because after everything that happened I’m scared for my life and I wanted to go somewhere safe like 1930s Poland or Belgium or the sudon land you really
Think you can pull a wool over my eyes huh then explain this it’s about the pointlessness of individual lives within the Relentless March of time oh and now explain this a photo of you and your business partner the Cardinal he’s not my business partner the father is my father
What I’m sorry I never told you we had to keep it a secret due to his position but that’s why when I needed to give up my own child I gave it to the church save it for the cops Dar you can’t bely dance your way out of this way wait you
Had chareston shoes when we hung out you said you had like no snacks huh I guess this is the sister with her orphans what the rumpus why does this one orphan have a football shaped head well well detective I guess you made my party after all Miss Pat botom my name’s not Pat
Botom it’s Mary and Lynn flowers which is a very typical man’s name for this time period like Carol you see detective I’m not the man or woman you think I am my parents were very poor I was born in a halfway house my room was on the unfinished
Side ultimately I wound up a in the church orphanage the nuns were quite cruel especially sister Megan one morning I was hungry so I asked for more more it was like a huge Deal and the Cardinal turned a blind eye to my mistreatment all he cared about was his bootlegging operation so I called that canine journalist pretending to be sister Megan and then I killed her with Max’s gun I slipped Max’s card on under H’s door and I planted a roll of film on the
Sister to lead Mac not only to the Cardinal but also to his new lover fine you didn’t like sister Megan and the Cardinal why me though why do all that stuff just to frame me because detective your sin was the greatest of all the only way I could stom itward pictur oh
Sorry the only way I could stomach life in the orphanage was by holding on to a dream a dream of being a dancer for years I trained and one day I finally got my big audition of the Cog Ballet I was the best dancer in town and I knew it but then tragedy struck I slipped and fell because someone had pooped in the street what the literal Deuce I’d broken my leg after all that training I would never be in the Nutcracker and I got the part yes the
Part Meant For Me Everything everything went according to plan except for one detail I only came here to kill her how did you know she’d be here funny thing about that I got a friend at the harbor who owed me One thanks pal anytime Mac Oh Mac you saved us yeah your daughter is still dead but you get to continue to outlive her which is every mom’s dream oh just shut up and kiss me you got it sweetheart it was the start of A Beautiful Romance
Soon we’d be engaged and we invited all our friends to the wedding in Hawaii please join Mack and Hy in Hawaii on December 7th 1941 a date that will live in intimacy and on Friday please join us for it’s a whole Weekend sorry for not believing you Mac but thanks to you the the real murderer is behind bars in the Greater Boston area has seen its last bad priest so what’s going to happen to Maran well he’s a lunatic murderer who cross dresses in the 30s my guess is he can
Look forward to a life of Looney Bin craft projects and staring out at the sea you think that place can hold me you’re dead coverer you’re all dead but all that’s after the castration and full frontal labotomy wait what one week later they took his balls and
Brains I’m macbookpro and I can skip a rock six times that wasn’t a good rock well here we are oh and if you hear the guys call me Poopy thumb it’s just a fun nickname it’s not something that actually happened hey poopy thumb it was golden spicy brown mustard from my
Sandwich how many how many times do I have to say it okay no need to relitigate what four of our peers saw hi everyone I’m your children’s teacher Miss Laura and like pretty much everyone in America right now I’m very high on legalized edible pot it’s crazy how much your kids look
Like you what Peter pay attention sorry I was having a fast times daydream about that tank top mom yeah that’s disgusting how would you like it if she did that to You I choked on water and had to get mouth to mouth from a guy 5 4 3 2 1 all right that’s officially the latest any of us have ever been up oh a little tired Ste we no I just yawned because somebody else yawned I could do this all
Night you tired oh no at home they call me the night is Garrick utle alive I I don’t know Peter hey I’ve been meaning to ask you all night those vintage pants are amazing where did you get them oh they were folded neatly on a toilet in a gas
Station hey you know we’re starting a TX chain with some of the other young parents young parents yeah new parents like us have to stick together yes we do because we’re very young great can we get your number sure we’re Lakeside 47 he’s kidding we’ll hit you with the digits
Great oh my God Peter did you hear that what I’m chewing celery I can’t hear anything they think Stewie are first they think we’re young you’re hurting me this is our chance our chance to break away from the Joe’s and Bonnies of the world our chance to finally make cool
Friends well I don’t know what you’re saying Lois but that horse is the dumbest horse I have ever seen in my life it hurt to hear but deep down I respected him for saying it finally someone had told me the truth and that boy grew up to have a multiplatinum
Recording career hi I’m Richard Marx and I suck at making clay horses but ask your wife if she Cares do will be right here waiting for You oh my God it’s from Matt and Kate on that text chain uh heading out for rers downtown with the other young parents meet in 15 ah Peter we have to go Now Peter look the menu doesn’t have dollar signs it just has a number and a period I feel like I’m in Brooklyn damn it all the employees are wearing regular clothes so it’s impossible to ask anybody for help Griffins all right you want to sit at
The the high seat low table or the low seat high table how about those four old barber chairs around the operating tables from the state in sane Asylum oh isn’t this place great amazing hi my name is Isaac I’ll be your server have you all eaten
With us before I know but I get how restaurants work now what can I get for you Hun well this is us boy I almost Don’t Want This Night To End me either well I got an idea you you mind if I use your bathroom to do number two wow your place is amazing a pool a spa and all the lights are on dimer and a digital
Thermostat oh my God it’s like we’re on a spaceship well there’s an open unit if you guys are interested is the toilet a bit better in that one actually it’s kind of embarrassing but the toilet in that one is shaped like a Hungry Hungry Hippo I don’t know Peter it just doesn’t feel
Like the responsible thing to abandon Chris and mag the polka dot top goes with the white bottoms too right oh definitely very old harleywood perfect I mean I guess they are teenagers and helicopter parents right what now helicopter parents it’s something I’ve read oh now you say it say What
Helicopter parents helicopter parents exactly now I stocked the freezer with plenty to eat while we’re gone on the top shelf but all I heard was not pizza not pizza not pizza and finally this is calamari This Is My Placenta are you listening you’re going to want to watch where I
Point calamari placenta who died again mag listen to the lies nobody died and Aunt of your father’s or mine is very ill and why is Stewie going with you Stewie loved Uncle Grandpa wait Uncle I thought you said helicopter parents let’s go Lois wow they’re really gone you know
What that means we can finally create bran he tricked us and we’re still waiting on that lasagna Chris that was the trick oh he tricked Us H look we’re in apartment 4G like the iPhone that’s stupid Lois don’t ever say that again hey how’s everything going in there great we’re in apartment 4G like the iPhone that’s so Twisted did you make that up yes you guys get settled
Then a few of us are going to sit by the fire pit and say mid-century modern a lot if you want to join they like us this is it Peter we’re going to vape we’re going to vape it’s causing deaths but not that many yet I can’t believe I ate both Tupperware of
Calamari uh but I’m still hungry what do we have left to eat I’m not going to say we’re out of food but anything still in the fridge I have made love to man this broom handle poke tapioca is delicious Chris had sex with that relax I didn’t finish oh
All right Stewie you have a play date with cobaine sidat and attakus and if anyone asks you have plenty of sunscreen on but I don’t bye hey I’m koban want a strawberry quick well sure I want a strawberry but what’s the hurry Stewie Griffin 4G like
The iPhone I like you Our Deck needed a wild card Cain now that you’re my best friend can I ask you a question when is nap time because it’s 2:15 and I’m about to collapse oh we don’t take naps no naps well then when is bedtime whenever
My god when do you grow we don’t I’m six you’re six why are you so small I only eat tofu and seaweed nothing in a cage you’ve never had parakeet no have you no but it looks really yummy in the Cartoons all right Peter we can’t look like we don’t belong so when they ask you what you want to drink just say local micro brew local micro brew local micro brew hey Peter what can I get you to drink give us a drop of Sherry love Peter I’m sorry I mean local micro Brew hi we’re Lois and Peter in 4G I really like your green pants Oh thanks I found them folded L on a toilet I I I mean I I only buy pants from companies that donate the same pair to a third world country run home with these expired military condoms andu run and
Make sure they use Them I found Mom and Dad wait what where are they well first I need to explain how I found them let me start from the beginning you know how I operate a small internet company where I buy and sell chlorine right no Chris’s chlorine what Chris’s chlorine Chris I have no idea
Chris is chlorine stop just yelling that well anyway my guy at Millennial Village luxury apartments was buying extra chlorine this week seems they’ve been finding a lot of loose burger meat in the pool and who do we know that likes to go swimming with loose burger meat oh
My god dad Bingo but more importantly are you satisfied with your chlorine supplier Meg do you realize that most people don’t have a personal relationship with their chlorine dealer how crazy is that Chris we got to go to that apartment building and bust Mom and
Dad I’m on board Meg just got to take this call First Christopher’s catamarans been running a side business hello oh wrong number anyway Meg are you happy with your catamaran supplier shouldn’t we be confronting our parents right now I know it’s so crazy how they moved out of the house but you
Know what’s really crazy paying big showroom prices for catamarans Meg do you want to pay for someone else’s brick and mortar or do you want to pay for your own Fun and Freedom on the waves I really think that we should be getting back hang on hang on I got to get this
Call Randy screen a window Supply that’s not another one of my businesses I run an answering service although I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I am dying to get into the screen in window business if you have an inm just anyone in the window game I could take the
Coffee you know and just pick their brains about wi no Chris I’m sorry I don’t yeah no it’s cool sorry I’m still here windows and screens unlimited we beat any Price so Griffins what do you think of our little Oasis in goog I like it but I can’t believe we’re all going to college next year Peter that’s too young I mean have you gotten a reverse mortgage like Joe namoth suggests toe Al Hey gang there’s a new couple moving in look at
That Lois we’re no longer a new couple the haat is [Applause] off oh my God I know that’s the guy from the catamaran Commercial so you two just moved to the complex what did you say your names were again I’m Dylan and this is my wife Dylan oh same name couple that’s the dream I have an idea why don’t we all play a board game great idea have you
Guys ever played the Wrath of the star Eclipse colon Empire colon Twilight of Destruction yeah what is that is that is that like sorry um does sorry have a 900 sided die in its own language of rules oh we love that game yeah that sounds
Like fun why don’t you guys set it up and we’ll get our new friends drinks from the kitchen huh what the hell is you guys think you’re doing I could ask you the same question and I shall what the hell do you guys think you’re doing I’ll tell you what we’re doing having
Fun for the first time in our lives and we’re not going to let you ruin that well we’re going to expose you as the old farts you are oh you’re going to expose us did you hear that Peter don’t care long as you don’t PIR no nuggets off me claim I went way
Back okay Peter your turn uh why are you looking at your navigation chart when we’re still at the beginning of the first build phase you know what I like to do when I play games ask people when they were born Pete you go first oh that’s an easy question 19 9 90
901 I was born on 911 well what about you guys you seem like a very happy couple yet I haven’t seen you even kiss yet this is why I said we should have practiced I can’t kiss at the moment I have raging HPV in my throat compliments
Of madi’s Florida sojourn what a fun gen Z time we’re having we should take a photo Lois why don’t you take a photo and airdrop it to us of course air drop that’s easy a wops dropped my phone Peta can you help me pick this
Up what the hell is air drop is that Wi-Fi I think it’s a medical term for a is that the button you hit on the plan I never turn her off on a plane how do you ask Siri I think he means celery hey celery it’s definitely Siri yeah I’m
Wrong Peter we got to get out of this I I’ll just throw up everyone will have to leave can you really do that yeah I taught myself in sixth grade I’m going to do it okay I’m in I’m in ah gee wiiz ah sorry guys looks like
The is over we’ll air drop another Time ah Sunday perfect day to dangle my feet in the pool with the other heavier wives ah loose burger meat on a sunny day this is nice isn’t it Beverly Bev isn’t it uh-huh well and say it uh you guys the dylans just had the best idea
What do you say we all go to Coachella with the Q coh Hog’s 3-day Music Festival oh Music Festival ehh you think the Von traps will stick around to pick up their award this time I don’t know about them but they’re going to have Holograms of Tupac and also nipy hustle
Who I’d never heard of and then was told to care immensely about so this was the Dylan’s idea oh oh we can’t take credit for it any young person would have thought of it do I have to wear a tuxedo like Frank and Sammy or is that just for the people on stage
Hey Lois will you snap a gr for us so the the button in the middle yeah portrait mode slap on a Hudson filter that that big button Peter bis please I’m doing my Charles in Charge word find now where are those two days for Buddy hey they just left huh thought you kids didn’t take naps now you’re all just sleeping at the bottom of the pool oh my God guys we’re here yep there’s the local mosquito and net population anxiously awaiting my arrival all right time for a fallen Arch flip flop two mile walk to the Gate oh I got a leave sh we’ve been walking for 20 minutes you guys can tap out anytime I know you both have searing IPA Sun headaches there’s ibuprofen in my backpack admit you’re old and it’s yours no never we’re getting close I can see the stages
Oh there’s nothing there that’s just a [Applause] Mirage the Porta parties are Mirage Too thanks for waiting guys I really had to go number one oh my God what are we doing Peter just crapped in the parking lot we can’t do this what’s wrong are you guys not super amped no no we’re old we hate this well this is a surprise oh
Shut up and they’re only teenagers and not cool ones if you two idiots weren’t wearing terrible warie poker glasses you would have seen that oh my God we’re sorry we lied to you we thought it would be fun to act like young parents again but you don’t
Have have kids to have fun you have kids to use as an excuse to never leave the house can you guys at least venmo us for the tickets I don’t know what that is and that’s okay Chris give us the ibuprofen and text the driver to pick us up here I
Don’t know how to do it are we done thank God I’m going to go get a water at that 7-Eleven over There ah I ruined my pants circle of life I hated every minute of this well we had quite an adventure but I think we learned a valuable lesson isn’t that right Chris I don’t know I’d love to stay and talk but I’ve got a catarang client I got to check
On uh what’s going on sorry Chris there’s a hungry new player in the catamaran game while you were at Cella I was building relationships that’s all the catamaran business is Chris relationships losing my best client like that was a real Epiphany for me and I knew immediately that I had two
Choices I could give up or I could sneak into a Ramada Inn and wander up to an unguarded Podium I chose the ladder and it has made all the [Applause] Difference uh Hey Stewie can we do that again maybe a little more energy uh no I I think we can use it oh yay that’s awesome wow the White House is great there’s no wonder you spend two days a week here I’m sorry can you hang on a sec got
To close this window Milani is out there blowing bubbles for Eric dad I got one in my mouth it tastes like soap tremendous amazing okay Peter your main job here is to go in rooms before me to make sure there’s no static electricity don’t go in there it’s not safe well done Peter everyone Welcome to our new place I think we’re going to enjoy the Beltway lifestyle Washington DC is a wonderful City to call home and and will we be putting our kids in the local public schools no I would not recommend it dibs on the bedroom in which an intern got
Murdered oh I want the intern murder bedroom there’s no need to fight kids an intern has been murdered in each of the bedrooms well I think this sucks I want to go back to Cog but we just got here sweetie tomorrow at James Wood’s high it’s scoliosis spine check day it’s the
One day a year I get touched make your father got this great new opportunity and we need to support him let’s give DC a chance huh yeah Meg trust me before long we’ll fit right in here like a cowboy in a Chinese Starbucks this is the most strangest
Place ever yea oh this ain’t so Different this is so exciting I’ve never been to a fancy White House party before we’re happy you’re here Mrs Griffin Mr Griffin and we’re glad you brought your two children and former Governor Chris Christie that’s like the fourth person who’s called Meg Chris Christie a sweetie I’m sorry everyone
Thinks you’re a historically unpopular fatel from New Jersey whatever I just want to go home oh you can’t go home yet we haven’t even served dinner and I hope you saved your appetite because later we’re all wiping our ass with the Constitution hi Brian Griffin they let
Me write some of the liberal jokes how you liking them good there’s more coming folks to drink this evening we’ve got red wine white wine and a fifth of bourbon what will you have disgrace political odity Roger Stone I’ll take the fifth that works on two levels
Layered man the Trump White House is so awesome and for sure it’s not crawling with Russians that’s for actual other American at this party so what kinds of things do you hearing from our Mr USA president I don’t know fellow American but here’s my Gmail login and password
Cuz I know I can trust you with it wonderful now to please excuse I have very aching gut from eating so much apple cake H doesn’t get more American than that sorry I’m just looking for the exit I didn’t mean to Holy girl boner tell those kids if they ever want
To see their parents again they’ll make the shoes do you know who you’re dealing with my husband is the son of a felon who went to prison for blackmailing his brother-in-law by entrapping him with a prostitute and then mailing a copy of the tape to his own sister all that stuff
For is everything okay huh oh yeah sorry to be out of sorts I just sometimes I wish I could meet someone else whose dad is a fat idiot who once had a hit television show and who over time is worn out as welcome you know Meg’s dad
Is also shut up Tiffany yeah shut up Tiffany Meg I think you’d look amazing in my brand of Lifestyle products that are designed to represent a poor person’s idea of what a rich person would wear you think so trust me when I’m done with you you’ll be pretty
Enough to marry an Orthodox Jewish son of a felon who’s too stupid to get into Harvard the normal way and whose voice is way higher than you thought it would be hi honey ready for dinner Stewie where have you been oh many American baby things am I doing so
What is your favorite ballistic missile launch codes who is that Meg that girl is pretty so pretty by DC standard with Geico you can save up to 15% on car insurance wow 2third of the people here are talking about me because you’re beautiful Meg thanks to you come on let me introduce you to the president he’s kind of like my
Boyfriend hang on he’s still getting ready Hey Dad I want you to meet my new friend Meg pleased to meet me you I’ve got a run Dad thanks again for getting me plastic surgery in my teens um yeah anyway it’s an honor to meet you Mr President this is amazing
Yesterday I was at kohawk Pond pulling out carps just to watch them suffocate and now look at me with the winner of the 46 largest Electoral College victory of all time and I got to say I’m a huge fan of your board game and your beef products and your fraudulent University
And oh my god oh please every president since Washington has done this dearest Martha I cannot wait to once again place my hand onto your Gates of Venus my darling Bess tonight I’m going to drop the big one onto your Pacific Theater hey Barbara Bush working late sleeping
In office crazy headache you look like my mom good afternoon I’m Tim Tucker not my twin brother Tom our top story mentally challenged boys t-shirts are they getting even longer um guys I got to tell you something last night at the White House president Trump touched me inappropriately what Meg that’s my boss
All right this is my career you’re talking about I spent a whole day working on this you want me to just throw away in one day what I’ve spent a whole day trying to build a whole days worth to work poof gone in a day Meg you
Expect us to believe that the president of the United States would grab a Woman by her that’s ridiculous how could you not believe me oh hang on CNN’s on where I’m the loudest guy on an overcrowded panel this country needs stronger border security our border security is the
Strongest in the world what we need is to take care of our children I can’t get an erection you think giving them amnesty is fair to the people who are already here they’re contributing to the economy I tried all the herbs amnesty is never the answer it’s not amnesty it’s
Recognizing their contributions to our country they said to meditate but I keep falling asleep we need stronger vetting and to enforce the laws already on the books I’m terrified of being alone with my wife it’s too much pressure well nothing’s ever going to change if Congress isn’t willing to compromise
Exactly my point a wall would solve this I wake up with an erection but never when she’s in the bed with me a wall would solve nothing these children have rights I spent three grand on a Sandals vacation thinking that might do it know what it was me being limp on a lazy
River well that’s all the time we have thank you to Peter Griffin no don’t send me home to my wife Democrats that’s why we went to sandals dad did you hear what I said sorry Meg I got to go to work what you’re still going to work for that
Man after he assaulted me Meg you got to stop with these stories people hate aiia just like closed captioning stenographers hated the Sleepy Hollow guy for some reason the man I saw was wearing some kind of old military uniform like uh red coat he had something on his hand I don’t know like
A branding did he carry a broad axe what the mark on his hand was it a bow how do you know that oh no no no no they got me hey who is he when’s the last time you saw him when I C of his head okay I’ll take your questions me
With a fake mustache America wants to know what you’re packing up there I’ve heard 11 in true all right that’s enough from you me with a funny hat I also have heard 11 in okay any non1 in questions me with an old timey wig I’ve heard four hand
Breaths Mr President the Press briefing went very well many people are saying it was the best press briefing in all of history Mr Griffin you’re not speaking to president Trump that’s a butternut squash oh well if this lumpy orange garbage vegetable is here then where’s president Donald Trump Mr President
Please I’m not interested you’ll regret this M oh my God Bob’s Burgers is on this show speaks to us young people apparently that show and and I mean no disrespect when I say this but that show looks like it was animated in a moving car and again no disrespect wonderful people over there but oh my God
President Trump is assaulting Meg I can’t believe what I just saw Mr President what would your third wife the softcore girl onir porn lady think about this or the actual porn star your lawyer paid hush money to I’m so sorry we didn’t believe you earlier sweetie yeah
Where do you get get off behaving like this why shouldn’t I you do what when you walked through that door you insulted Bob’s Burgers and the hundreds of people who work there well I was just kidding around no you weren’t you’re just jealous cuz it wins all the emys
And the kids love it you seem to know a lot about Bob’s Burgers of course I do Bob’s Burgers is my favorite animated show wow there’s your headline Emmy voters vote your conscience anyway my point is if Peter Griffin gets to be a jerk all the time then why can’t Donald
Trump huh that is not the dumbest thing you’ve ever said so are we Square no no president Trump we are not I quit what that’s right and you know what else my days are being mean and insulting are over from here on out I’m going to be the nice kind Peter Griffin
You can’t walk out on me I’m the president well you’re not a very good one like that guy or or or that one or that one and which one is that anyway I’m Grover Cleveland the only president to be married in the White House a what
A nice story it’s a great story I married a girl who I’d raised since the time she was 11 years old well that guy’s not getting a musical we now return to Pirates of the Caribbean where the sound guy put the microphone too close to Johnny Depp’s jangling bracelets hold it right there
Sparrow this is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow what I said I’ve spent $65 million on vacation homes in daytime wine all right turn off that cheap celebrity slam the Griffins are going to be better than that now what you heard
Me we are done being mean and insulting like Donald Trump is from now on this family is going to be nice and supportive oh so if we’re being nice now maybe you have nice things to say to me dad uh of course I do your hair is um
Very hat you’re a hat owner you’re also hated what does it keep coming back to the Hat Peter stop your nipples are bleeding all right fine I’m not a nice person I’m sick of complimenting your hat I knew that fat man couldn’t keep this up he always buckles Under Pressure
Yeah you’re right like at that Billy Joel Concert Trump who are you I have dementia Peter Griffin look you were right I can be insulting sometimes I admit it but so what I’m just a guy from Rhode Island you’re the president of the United States you’re not just a guy from Rhode Island your Peter Griffin from Family
Guy many children have learned their favorite Jewish black and gay jokes by watching your show over the years In fairness we’ve been trying to phase out the gay stuff but you know what we’re a cur tune you can turn us off you’re the president we can’t turn you off and
You’re on like all the time he has tremendous ratings our Leslie neelon ratings are the highest in history surely you can’t be serious I am serious and don’t call me Leslie you really do find a way to screw everything up if I screwed up so bad how come I’m a
Billionaire billionaire please you’re worth 700 mil on the high side and most of that is borrowed or tied up and underwater that’s why ain’t releasing your taxes Trump you’re cash poor say that again I dare you you are cash Poor C catch kill him in front of me and I sex [Applause] You Hey Sarah any update I haven’t had the chance to ask the president if he is fighting with Peter Griffin [Applause] a I wrote that one why are we so damn divided America making Neil Armstrong the first man to walk on the moon who knows maybe someone listening to this might be the first chicken to walk on the Moon I got a shili your Plane Peter grab my hand I can’t it’s too Little what who who put this here I did sure hope that’s Okay Justin Trudeau the hunky prime minister of Canada he’s not that hunky very weak borders I was just kayaking past and it looked like you guys could use some help everything okay no yeah we’re good he touched my daughter but I punched him like aund times so we’re
Fine now I punched you like a million times I punched you infinity times I punched you infinity plus one times damn it right on well then I’ll just go do some awesome Canada stuff hey call me if you ever need help moving Trudeau away that guy’s the best you know who’s
Really the best Putin Putin’s the best yes he is Putin is the best ha I write this part am I not to be a stinker bye-bye American situation comedy with drawings I’m glad we’re back in COG and just in time to see my appearance on Jeopardy Peter what is it like to have
An erection I’m sorry we were looking for the electromagnetic Spectrum Betty still your board I was not included in the final round I’ll tell you one thing I’m not going to miss Washington DC well we had a lot of fun this week and changed zero Minds if you want to learn
More about our president consult the steel dossier which is all about getting peed on he also with whole heart and full throat endorsed a pedophile for the United States Senate that didn’t fit into tonight’s narrative but should not be forgotten and I am a proud hat owner
Shut up Meg from our family to yours we’re very Frightened fore Foree for fore spee foree fore fore
2 Comments
Daddy
I can deal with the zoom but fuck you and the cuts.